But I’m a Cheerleader

March 7, 2006

The lesbian cheerleader. For most men, the stuff of which dreams are made. Or if not dreams, then Skinemax at the very least.

This is SO NOT that kind of movie. Natasha Lyonne stars as a dopey cheerleader whose dykey proclivities are obvious to everyone but herself. She’s only able to make out with her boyfriend while thinking about bouncing cheerleader boobies. (Don’t many guys have that problem?) Her horrified parents (Brewster McCloud and Connie Marble!!!) stage an intervention and send her to deprogramming camp called “True Directions.” The de-gayifying camp is run by a crazy lady (named Mary – HEE!) whose son is gayer than all her campers. Her main coach is RuPaul out of drag. He’s in the closet, too. The campers are made to do gender role based activities and forced to electroshock their privates when they have dirty gay thoughts. You know, there are real places that do stuff like that?

I was glad to see Melanie Lynskey again – and using her own accent. And in another lesbian role! I’d have to say that she’s more believable as a lesbian than as crazy Rose, getting all horny for Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. I love her character, but really…only a totally broke hooker would get that worked up over Charlie Sheen.

But I’m a Cheerleader is trying hard to exist within the John Waters universe. It teeters on the edge, but at the very end it plummets into maudlin sentimentality. The sticky sweet ending just doesn’t do it for me. Gay liberation is great and all, but I was hoping for retribution, or at the very least, something Thelma and Louise-like.

Ironically, Natasha Lyonne’s personal life has skidded into John Waters territory recently. In addition to a drunken driving charge, she has been charged with threatening to molest her neighbor’s dog. Uhhhhhh…I cannot even think of a good joke to go along with that. Even Divine wouldn’t stoop as low as pet rape?