We woke up early this morning, well 9:35 is early to me. We woke up early this morning, so we could go visit the yuppie mall. The yuppie mall is the newly opened Shops at Willow Bend – or is it a mall? Can I call it a mall, if mall isn’t in the name? Um, hmmmm – well, let’s just call it a mall for the sake of argument.

11:17am – We’re on the road. For once, Russ let me drive – woo hoo! Then I remember why – it’s only 2.5 miles from our apartment to the yuppie mall. Oh. Slightly closer than the Stonebriar Centre (fuck, it’s not a mall either). As we’re getting out of the car, I smack Russ in the face with the silver sun shade that keeps my car one degree cooler than without it. I think I have lost my driving privileges.

We park at the first entrance we find that is not a department store, I would never find my way back if I had to hike through Foley’s to get to my car and I sure as hell am not going into that parking garage – I’d turn a corner and BOOM! My car would be underneath some psycho soccer mom’s SUV. At the entrance is a California Pizza Kitchen where the Luby’s should be. Nope, no Luby’s hiding anywhere in this mall – well, I guess I won’t be taking the grandparents to this mall anytime soon (though not only because of the lack of a Luby’s, but because they are slightly dead). It’s only 11:30 or so, people are hanging out in front of the Pizza Kitchen, but only a few people are inside…is that a Maitre ‘D?

We walk. We glance inside EBX, which looks just like a GameSpot to me – what’s the difference? Oh, I see now, the prices. We really don’t dare go into many of the shops, we didn’t come to buy, we came to browse. Finally, we see a shop maybe worth going into – The Museum Shop. What’s this? Why, it’s a Museum Giftstore, just like the DMA, but conveniently located in the plano yuppie mall. Why bother driving all the way downtown to buy those Van Gogh placemats, when you can get them 2.5 miles from home? They had the usual giftstore stuff, thank you notes, small reproductions of the Statue of David and ugly picture frames, but without having to look at all that ‘fine art.’

We walk some more. KB Toys hasn’t opened yet, why did I even bother getting out of bed this morning? As a matyer of fact, many stores haven’t opened yet. I would say the entire mall is only 2/3 capacity right now. Hmmm….the smell of paint in the air is encouraging me to consume!

Man, there are a lot of maternity stores in this mall. I saw one called ‘Japanese Weekend Maternity’ – what the fuck does that mean? It wasn’t kimonos or anything, though they were rather small. It looked like it should have been called ‘GAP Kids Maternity.’ Maybe they mean to equate Japanese with petite, we’ll never know.

Looking around, the reason for all the Maternity stores may be the multitude of pregnant women here shopping at the yuppie mall. Maybe they knew demographically that 75% of the women in Plano are expecting and chose to build maternity stores to outfit them all stylishly. But what is all the pregnant women are only here because of the plethora of Maternity stores available at the yuppie mall. I don’t know, it’s a total chicken-egg situation.

We’re upstairs now. The end is almost in sight, but Russ is thirsty. We see a sign that says “Pepsi Vending” and veer to the left. Wow, the yuppie mall is a Pepsi only mall, that sucks for me, but Russ is thrilled. He is addicted to Mountain Dew, but that’s a story for another day. As he’s digging money out of his pocket, Russ ponders the strange location of the Sierra Mist Button – right below Pepsi, where Mountain Dew usually is. “I would be so pissed if I hit that button without looking at it and got a Sierra Mist.” “Oh look, this machine has Code Red.” Russ bends over and hits the Code Red button, which is at the very bottom. Out pops a Sierra Mist. “FUCK!” I am laughing uncontrolledly. Russ puts in more money and hits the button for regular Mountain Dew. “FUCK!” Out pops a Pepsi. I am laughing even harder. Russ takes out his cell phone and begins to call the repair number plastered on the front of the Pepsi machine, then he thinks better of it. The people that frequent this mall deserve to have a Pepsi machine that fucks with their heads.

As we’re moving towards the exit, we’re almost skipping like Dorothy and friends leaving the poppy field to get to the Emerald City. Then we see the California Pizza Kitchen. it’s fucking packed, with a line out the door. keep in mind, we’ve only been in the mall 30 minutes or so. The area around the entrance looks like a stroller parking lot – there are over a dozen just sitting there. And they are all NAVY BLUE. I shit you not, every mommy in Plano has the same damn navy blue stroller. We seriously consider stealing one – hey, that’s $300! In the end, we just go back to my car, since I really don’t want a navy blue stroller, I want one of those Eddie Bauer editions that I saw at Target.

11:59am – back at the car, never to return. Well, at least until I need some Lalique Glass, Swarovski Crystal or Japanese Weekend Maternity clothes – or maybe a stroller….