Dead Ant

 

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Never pee on an ant on sacred Native American lands after taking cursed peyote.

I mean, that’s just common sense, right? Well, apparently, the members of 80s Glam Rock Band Sonic Grave do not have any common sense. And especially don’t buy Peyote from the guy who played Horse on Twin Peaks. He will totally fuck you over.

I only recorded this because Sean Astin & Jake Busey are in the band…and their manager is Tom Arnold. And still, with those low expectations, I was still disappointed.

The film was pretty boring and dumb, but there are moments that had me guffawing. The end is pretty funny because you finally get to hear the band play. They suck so bad, that the giant killer ants commit suicide to escape their shitty music. Sonic Grave does have a song that isn’t shitty – it’s called “Side Boob” and it’s a pretty good jam.

Avengers: Endgame

 

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I don’t even know how to write a review about Endgame that doesn’t contain at least 50 spoilers, so instead…you’ll get feelings and emotions. I know, I know – not like me at all.

We went and saw Endgame on opening weekend, which we NEVER do – but my son made a good case for avoiding spoilers – Infinity War was totally spoiled for him at school. Junior High is a fucking warzone, ya’ll. Even though we planned ahead and got tickets for Sunday, he managed to get spoiled on Friday – some assface “friend” leaked a death. I tried, son…I tried.

I checked my heartrate (via fitbit) while viewing and it was a wild ride. It just kept going up and up and up. The action just never let up. I laughed a lot more than I expected. I cried just the right amount, which is once. I won’t spoil the film by saying what, except to say it was somewhere in the middle and it was a hug and OMG, I AM CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

Endgame was so good, it gave me a to-do list…

To do list #1 – make my son watch The Big Lebowski with me, then rewatch Endgame. Hell, maybe we should watch ALL of the Coen Brothers’ films for good measure.

The Community cameos made me SQUEAL! (Kinda spoiler-y, but I’m not perfect.) To do list #2, persuade both kids to watch Community on Amazon Prime. I’ve been bugging the boy for years to binge watch it, but he won’t do it.

To do list #3, see if my VHS copy of National Lampoon’s Senior Trip still works, so I can revisit my 1996 crush on Jeremy Renner.

Funny story real quick – right before we left to see Endgame, my husband had Fantastic 4 2 on in the background…my daughter was so fucking confused. She asked, “Since when could Captain America do that?” as Johnny Storm was torching around. That gave us a good laugh – she had no idea that Chris Evans was ever another superhero. That brings me to #4 – rewatch Not Another Teen Movie, so I can see America’s Ass™ in a whipped cream bikini.

Endgame gave everyone the ending they deserved. I mean, never before has there been a 22 (or is it 23) movie build-up like this, with expectations built up for so many character arcs. Full disclosure – it’s just 20 movies for me, haven’t watched GotG2 or AM&W yet – even so, I felt so invested in this universe – sure, James Bond has over 20 movies, but who is emotionally invested in James Bond? It’s weeks later and the family is STILL discussing it. I’m actually considering taking the kids to see it again, to pick up any goodies we may have missed the first time. I always thought there would only ever be one 5 BOB movie, but I feel compelled to change my mind and bestow the coveted 5 BOB rating upon Endgame.

Deadpool 2

 

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Deadpool 2 just debuted on HBO, so we all cuddled on the couch for a family movie night. Good thing that Deadpool ASSURED the audience that this is a family film – because we let the 13 year old and the 10 year old watch.

There was no pegging (although it was alluded to), so there wasn’t too much explaining I had to do for the kids. I did have to explain to my daughter what an IUD was – no biggie. Everything else went over her head – thank the lord she didn’t ask me about docking.

The major complaint about Deadpool 2 was the “fridging” of Vanessa. (“Fridging” is killing off a female character, solely to give motivation to a male character.) Yes, she was fridged…but I’m kinda okay with it. Deadpool gives zero fucks about anything BUT Vanessa. There is literally nothing else you could do to Deadpool to motivate him. I do wonder though – NO SPOILERS – how do they motivate him in the next movie?

I wish Josh Brolin was taller.

Now I need to see Taika Waititi’s Hunt for the Wilderpeople, which is where Ryan Reynolds first saw Julian Dennison. He was a punkass little kid.

Stick around for some mid-credits scenes – you won’t be disappointed.

All things considered, I liked Deadpool 2 even more than the first one. The action was okay, but what really got me were the jokes. I feel like I’m the Deadpool in my friend group, what with my pop culture obsession(s). I could not stop laughing throughout the whole film – I even caught myself laughing at jokes the next day. Looking forward to watching Once Upon a Deadpool (maybe should’ve started the kids there), then Deadpool 3/X-force/whatever Ryan Reynolds decides to do. The one downside though…I’ve had Cher’s ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ stuck in my head for the last week. Gee, thanks DP.

The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time

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I don’t care what they call that damn movie, I really doubt it’s the last one. (Are you sensing a certain cynicality in me, when it comes to franchises? You’re goddamn right you are!)

As the last film ended, everyone on the planet was dead I think, except Fin. His son showed up with a time machine…and that’s right where Sharknado 6 picked up. Fin ended up in the Jurassic period and oh look! There’s Tara Reid riding a Pterodactyl. Or was it a “Tara-dactyl”?

As the shark-fighting team travels through history fighting Sharknados, they also travel from continent to continent. Not sure where they started in Dinosaur-land, but they make appearances at King Arthur’s Court (Excalibur was really a chainsaw), the American Revolution, wherever Billy the Kid was hanging out at, then San Francisco in 1996, and then…the far off future full of Tara Reid Clones wearing tinfoil hats. We truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I don’t mean that in a delightful way.

The cameos were fast and furious this go-round. And weird…very, very weird. Alaska Thunderfuck as Morgana (le Fey?); Deanna Troi; Neil deGrasse Tyson as Merlin; The Offspring (the band), literally telling the American Revolution Cavalry to “Come out and play”; Leslie Jordan as Benjamin Franklin; Darrell Hammond as George Washington (but doing his Bill Clinton impression…so weird); Ben Stein as Alexander Hamilton; Dee Snyder; Murr from Impractical Jokers; Gilbert Gottfried (again); Tori Spelling and her gross cheating/anal sex-obsessed husband as Fin’s parents; Peter Brady as Nova’s grandfather; Doc from The Love Boat; LaToya Jackson as Cleopatra; James Hong as Confucius; and Al Roker (also again).

I take it back, this really has to be the last one. There’s no where else to go, right? RIGHT?

Iron Man 3

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I’ve somehow managed to avoid seeing Iron Man 3 in the five years or so since it was released. No particular reason, except maybe the fear of too much GOOP. Even so, I’m hearing rumblings that there are some plot threads from this one that will be picked up in Avengers 4, so might as well dig in.

The film kicked off with a 1999 flashback, featuring one of the worst songs ever recorded – “Blue (ba da bee)”. I was able to look past that, and fully enjoy the site of Happy Hogan decked out like Vincent Vega – bolo tie and all.

The central plot device seems familiar…an Eastern, mystical type, bent on destruction, is revealed to be a sham, with the real villain pretending to be his underling…oh yeah, Batman Begins! And according to Wikipedia, Guy Pearce was even in consideration for Ducard/Ra’s al Ghul.

Miguel Ferrer! What a pleasant surprise! He was one of those underappreciated actors that you don’t think to miss until they’re gone. Even though his role was blink and you’ll miss it, it made me smile.

This film really filled in a lot of gaps for me in Tony Stark’s character arc and how Tony’s attitude changes in Ultron and leading into Civil War. Tony wasn’t exactly humbled, but he experienced a few humble moments. It was interesting to see how Tony was able to scrounge at Home Depot and create weapons – his lab was nice and all, but he makes MacGyver look like MacGruber.

Also, GOOP still didn’t die. Goddammit.

Black Panther

The MCU has got its claws in us now…Black Panther is the second release in a row that we’ve seen in the theater. Granted, it was an early bird, non-3D, 9:35am showing, but we paid nonetheless…

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Before I get into my thoughts on Black Panther, there were SO many good trailers before the film. Deadpool 2 (even though I’ve seen it, I could watch it 100 times), I Feel Pretty (wow, an Amy Schumer comedy that I actually want to see), Venom (again, I’ve seen this, but I’ll never get tired of Tom Hardy), Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (this one was new to me – I got chills down my spine when Jeff Goldblum said, “life finds a way.”), Solo (new to me, but meh), and Ant-man and Wasp (cute). I was surprised there wasn’t an Infinity War trailer – I guess that would be overkill? I need to fall into a coma before this summer, or tickets will get expensive.

Black Panther was flat out amazing. Believe the hype. Not only is the action non-stop, but the plot was strong and woven well around the strong characters. Even without considering the plot within the wider MCU, the theme was worth exploring further – what do the wealthy (individuals, organizations or nations) owe the less fortunate? Colonization vs. Cooperation. What would African nations be capable of today, if their resources hadn’t been plundered by Europe for hundreds of years? It goes without saying that my (75% white/european) opinion means Jack Squat, when compared to the overwhelmingly positive response from the black community. I am hopeful that this positive response is taken seriously by Hollywood and leads to a more black stories being told by black people. For example, a white guy directed Hidden Figures…just sayin’.

I will say, the one thing that boggled me, was the vibranium technology. I didn’t understand a lick of it. But then again, I don’t know how Iron Man‘s arc reactor or suit work. I sure don’t know how the rainbow bridge to Asgard works or the whole mjolnir thing works. Don’t even get me started on Doctor Strange. Comic book stuff – you’re not supposed to understand how any of it works.

I cannot stop laughing about the Andy Serkis/Martin Freeman memes – the two Tolkien white guys. That reminds me, I never watched that last Hobbit movie. D’oh! And the Zamunda memes!

The whole family really enjoyed Black Panther. My husband said it was a close race between Winter Soldier and Black Panther for best Marvel movie so far, and I tend to agree. I’m looking forward to seeing the Black Panther team in Infinity War and in their own standalone adventures.

Captain America: Civil War

We made it! A few weeks after opeing weekend, but we made it to the theater to see Civil War. I missed The Force Awakens and Deadpool, but I wasn’t about to miss Civil War.

Before I jump in, let’s talk trailers. The most anticipated of the bunch was first – Doctor Strange. Even though he wasn’t sitting next to me, I could tell my husband was about to bust a nut. The trailers then went up and down in quality…Jason Bourne (I only give a shit because they filmed the Vegas car chase in front of my hotel when I was there in January), The Shallows (Ryan Reynolds’ wife fights a shark and I don’t give a shit), Rogue One (looks badass), another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie (gross) and Free State of Jones (Matthew McConaughey fights the confederate army/plantation owners/everyone; I kinda actually wanna watch it).

…and with no delay, Civil War starts with a bang. My very first thought as I was watching was, “Scarlet Witch must not love herself – look at those raggedy ass fingernails!” I wish I was joking…but during the whole Lagos fight scene, all I could think about was how rough her red witch-power balls must be on her nails…oh, and how the length of Black Widow’s hair kept changing from shot to shot. Couldn’t they just pick one wig and stick with it?

Team Cap all the way, even though I don’t particularly care for his character that much. His love for Bucky is just…it’s beautiful. I’m not even making a gay joke – Cap and Bucky is what each of us would hope for in a friendship…a “ride or die” BFF who has your back no matter what. A relationship much deeper than any love story ever could be. I want Cap and Bucky happily ever after more than any other film romance I’ve ever seen…more than Mickey and Mallory, Samantha Baker and Jake Ryan…or even Rose and Billy Zane in Titanic (she should’ve picked Billy Zane, just sayin’). I know I’ll be disappointed…but right now, let me dream of Cap and Bucky riding off into the sunset.

Although the Civil War itself was exciting to watch, the introduction of new Avengers was much more interesting. I already knew what to expect with Ant-Man , but I was apprehensive about Spider-Man. I shouldn’t have worried…I think they got the right Spider-Man. (Disclaimer, I have not seen either of the recent Amazing Spider-Man films.) His wisecracking and exuberance were much more in line with what I expected. To be fair, my expectations are based on the Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends cartoon – so take it as you will.

Black Panther…did he have to look so much like Michelle Pfeiffer Catwoman? I was shocked he never started licking himself.

Oh, and that scene at the beginning with the CGI young Robert Downey, Jr. – they nailed it. He looked fresh off the Less Than Zero set and ready to party.

It was good! Better than Ultron, but not quite as good as Winter Soldier. I didn’t think I would miss Thor and Hulk so much, but rumor has it that they’ll be buddying up in Ragnarok. NICE!

Crippled Masters

This is the single weirdest kung fu movie I have seen since The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires.

This movie was Ba-aaa-add! It is about these two kung fu badasses…sounds normal, except one has no arms and one has no legs. Excuse me, that is an oversimplification. One has no arms, but on one side he has a little prehensile stumpy thing. He manages to do a lot of pimp slapping with that little nub. The other guy kind of has legs, but they are atrophied and scaberous and he can’t walk. He does manage to choke some guy to death with them though. Their kung fu master is this feeble old dude who hangs out twisted up inside of a basket. No shit.

It is fucking twisted and weird. I liked it.