Gimme an ‘F’

Is “retardedest” a word? If so, that is the word that I would use to describe Gimme an F.

Gimme an ‘F’ is so named because every time a couple is about to fornicate, one of them is duty bound to say, “Gimme an F!” While funny the first time, it loses its edge with each repetition. Ironically, none of the cheers contain the verbiage “Gimme an F” – not even those of the Fudge High Falcons. That’s right – Fudge High. Insert ‘packing’ joke here.

This is your basic 80s competition movie, complete with training montages. Better off Dead (skiing) and Girls Just Want to Have Fun (dancing) are exemplars of the genre. Up the Creek (rafting), Dirty Dancing (dancing again), Little Darlings (losing their virginity) are also good ones…and let’s not forget the master of them all – The Karate Kid (karate, duh). But in addition to the turn-a-team-of-misfits-into-champions element, there’s a virgin-whore-makeover element, ala Grease. This movie sounds like it should be good, right? It’s not…as a matter of fact, it SUCKS.

There’s ONE part of the movie that doesn’t suck – or rather, it sucks so much that it’s AWESOME. That’s the Shower Dance scene. The head cheerleading coach goes to take a shower and realizes that the cheerleaders are watching him. So he decides to perform a bizarre, stripping breakdancing gymnastics extravaganza in the locker room showers. Yes – stripping, breakdancing AND gymnastics. He pops, he locks, he centipedes – all in his tighty whities, on the wet shower floor (you gotta wonder about athlete’s crotch). For a finale, he does a complete High Bar routine on the shower plumbing, dismounting and removing his underwear. He never does actually wash himself.

One part of this movie completely confounded me. The other cheerleading coach, Roscoe, was obsessed with one of the Fudge High Falcons. He tried all these different ways to get her affection – but I was totally confused by what finally got her attention. She would only fuck him when he was dressed like Wez from The Road Warrior – and his chaps weren’t even assless! He had silver potholders where the cutouts should be! The hell? By the end of the movie, it got her so turned on, that she fainted while on top of the human pyramid and caused her team to lose the competition. I wonder if that’s something I should try? How hard would it be to get my husband into a mohawk and a pair of assless chaps?

I wonder if this movie is better or worse than Bring it On, which I’ve never seen and probably never will. (I woke up in the middle of the night once and caught my husband watching Bring it On. I’d rather have caught him watching barely legal porn – it’s more normal.) I don’t usually regret watching a movie – no matter how bad it is…but I may end up regret picking this one, because my husband hated this one so much that I’ve lost movie picking privileges for the next month at least.

The Road Warrior

Hooray for assless chaps!

Of course I know that by definition, ALL chaps are assless – it’s just more fun to be redundant and point out that indeed, these chaps are assless. Really, everyone should own a pair of assless chaps like Wez. Wez was the best character in the whole movie. I was really disappointed that he didn’t win in the end. He was definitely more likable than Mad Max and he also had motivation. That Feral Kid killed his hot blond boyfriend! What motivation did Max have? So his family was killed – and he got vengeance! He doesn’t need to take it out on poor Wez.

Wez totally reminded me of Beastie from G.L.O.W. – the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. If you don’t know about G.L.O.W. – your life is sadly lacking. Having watched Weird Science about 350 times growing up, I was also familiar with Gary and Wyatt’s confrontation with Wez and crew. I was totally expecting that lumpy headed bald dude to be in the Road Warrior, too. I was so disappointed to find that he wan’t a part of the crew. Oh well, there’s always Smoking in the Boy’s Room – the lamest Motley Crue video ever.

Lord Humungus was played by one of the pirates from The Pirate Movie. I would recognize those delts anywhere. He was one of the gay pirates. (That doesn’t narrow it down, does it?)

I have one bizarre inconsistency that’s been bugging me about this movie. It was filmed IN Australia, right? And it’s about apocalyptic Australia, right? Then why are many – even most – of the characters outfitted in American Football gear? Almost all of the armor worn is obviously modified football shoulder pads. Where the fuck would they get those in Australia? I know that everywhere but the US, Soccer is called Football. I understand that “Australian Rules Football” is like Rugby. I even understand that there may be some Gridiron AKA American Football in Australia. However, the first official gridiron team was not even formed until 1983 – two years after The Road Warrior. I am guessing that the makers of The Road Warrior were predicting that Gridiron Football would become wildly popular in the years to come? Popular enough to outfit most of the members of two rival apocalyptic societies in shoulder pads! That is a more insightful prediction than Nostradamus ever dreamt of. I hope they put it to use and made good money speculating on the Australian Gridiron Football equipment market.

I was going to wait until I had seen Mad Max to watch The Road Warrior, but my husband assured me that Mad Max was a horrible piece of crap movie and that I didn’t need to watch it. I have my suspicions about Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome as well. “We Don’t Need Another Hero” – indeed. The Road Warrior was entertaining enough – I can see why so many guys hail it as a classic – but come on…it’s not Blade Runner.