July 4, 2006

Is “retardedest” a word? If so, that is the word that I would use to describe Gimme an F.

Gimme an ‘F’ is so named because every time a couple is about to fornicate, one of them is duty bound to say, “Gimme an F!” While funny the first time, it loses its edge with each repetition. Ironically, none of the cheers contain the verbiage “Gimme an F” – not even those of the Fudge High Falcons. That’s right – Fudge High. Insert ‘packing’ joke here.

This is your basic 80s competition movie, complete with training montages. Better off Dead (skiing) and Girls Just Want to Have Fun (dancing) are exemplars of the genre. Up the Creek (rafting), Dirty Dancing (dancing again), Little Darlings (losing their virginity) are also good ones…and let’s not forget the master of them all – The Karate Kid (karate, duh). But in addition to the turn-a-team-of-misfits-into-champions element, there’s a virgin-whore-makeover element, ala Grease. This movie sounds like it should be good, right? It’s not…as a matter of fact, it SUCKS.

There’s ONE part of the movie that doesn’t suck – or rather, it sucks so much that it’s AWESOME. That’s the Shower Dance scene. The head cheerleading coach goes to take a shower and realizes that the cheerleaders are watching him. So he decides to perform a bizarre, stripping breakdancing gymnastics extravaganza in the locker room showers. Yes – stripping, breakdancing AND gymnastics. He pops, he locks, he centipedes – all in his tighty whities, on the wet shower floor (you gotta wonder about athlete’s crotch). For a finale, he does a complete High Bar routine on the shower plumbing, dismounting and removing his underwear. He never does actually wash himself.

One part of this movie completely confounded me. The other cheerleading coach, Roscoe, was obsessed with one of the Fudge High Falcons. He tried all these different ways to get her affection – but I was totally confused by what finally got her attention. She would only fuck him when he was dressed like Wez from The Road Warrior – and his chaps weren’t even assless! He had silver potholders where the cutouts should be! The hell? By the end of the movie, it got her so turned on, that she fainted while on top of the human pyramid and caused her team to lose the competition. I wonder if that’s something I should try? How hard would it be to get my husband into a mohawk and a pair of assless chaps?

I wonder if this movie is better or worse than Bring it On, which I’ve never seen and probably never will. (I woke up in the middle of the night once and caught my husband watching Bring it On. I’d rather have caught him watching barely legal porn – it’s more normal.) I don’t usually regret watching a movie – no matter how bad it is…but I may end up regret picking this one, because my husband hated this one so much that I’ve lost movie picking privileges for the next month at least.

Year – 1984
Rating – R
Runtime – 101 minutes
Genre – T&A Competition
Director(s) – Paul Justman
Writer(s) – James V. Hart
Actor(s) – Stephen Shellen, Jennifer Cooke, Daphne Ashbrook, Beth Miller, John Karlen
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "Remember, the longer you look, the better it gets. And the better you look, the longer it gets." - Janna (Karen Lee Kelly)