Æon Flux

I watched the original animated Æon Flux on MTV, but I have no idea how closely the film followed the original, because I don’t believe I ever saw a single episode while sober.

Charlize Theron is too pretty to be Æon Flux. Julia Roberts is homely enough, but hardly the action star type. Angelina maybe? I’m wracking my brain to think of who could have been a better Æon Flux, but I’m coming up blank, so I guess Charlize was okay.

Jonny Lee Miller should be in more movies. I have no facts to back up this assertion, other than how humpable he was in Trainspotting and Hackers.

A friend of mine from college once told me that he had a dream in which he was sexually violated by me and Æon Flux…flattering? Or disturbing? Both? Weren’t there lesbian parts in the original Æon Flux? The same lady directed who directed Girlfight and Jennifer’s Body directed this movie, so WHY weren’t there any lesbian scenes???

  

Scooby-Doo

The latest movie that my children have become addicted to…may well turn them into potheads.

The Luna Ghost looks like the Graffix logo. The scene with smoke coming out of the Mystery Machine (a slow reveal shows sausage cooking), ‘Pass the Dutchie’ playing in the background. Shaggy saying that he stays away from hydroponics. Shaggy tells Mary Jane that ‘Mary Jane’ is his favorite name. They’re ALWAYS hungry…I could go on and on…

I always knew that Scrappy Doo was a fucking asshole and this movie just proves it. I was always annoyed by the Scrappy Doo episodes and now I know why – he was a fucking crazy, soul-stealing, egomaniacal sociopath. I wish Buffy would have fucking staked him.

Sugar Ray? Even my kids think Sugar Ray is lame – they run outside right before they perform.

Daphne and Fred kissing was kind of cool, but kind of gross.

Watching the credits…WHAT THE FUCK! The story was co-written by James Gunn. The same James Gunn that wrote Tromeo and Juliet. I need to go cry now.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

Few things give me nightmares these days, but hearing Alvin the chipmunk tell someone that he’s going to eat their liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti sent chills down my spine. He even did that slurpy, tongue flicking thing.

This can only mean one of two things. Either Alvin is a serial killer and his use of the quote was only intended to make adults laugh OR David Seville is a rotten parent and allows his little chipmunks to watch Rated R movies. Either way, the implications are chilling. I’m leaning towards the latter, since Alvin also does a Taxi Driver impersonation in the film.

Believe it or not, The Squeakquel is the first, last and only film that I got to see in the theater in 2009. I kept meaning to go see some stuff, especially Zombieland, but I never got around to it. So while I was wishing for my death yesterday, my son was watching the best movie ever made. He really liked the first one, so I thought we could have a special day together at the movies. Now I know why my mother fell asleep during every single movie – it was self preservation!

The plot is pretty cliché…your basic ‘battle of the bands’ storyline. (Do ‘battle of the bands’ even occur in real life? The closest I’ve ever seen was a lip-synching contest back in college, and that was mostly an excuse for guys to cross-dress.) For some reason, the chipmunks are in High School? If they were actually High School age, wouldn’t their voices have changed by now? Wouldn’t they be chip-men? I was also grossed out by chipmunks flirting with teenage girls. Again, with the bestiality.

The Squeakquel pulled a classic bait and switch with the cast. Jason Lee is only in the film for about three minutes…the chipmunks are being taken care by Dave’s nephew, Toby, who is suspiciously played by the guy from Chuck. Maybe NBC set up the trade? In any case, that kind of bullshit is for straight-to-DVD movies, not big budget Christmas releases. Bringing back the same villain for two movies in a row is also some lazy bullshit. I love David Cross to pieces, but seriously? Shenanigans! I call shenanigans!

At least I got to see some good trailers. First, I was horrified by the fact that they’re making another Free Willy. How many times has that stupid fucking whale been caught? If he’s that stupid, he deserves to end up in a tuna can. I was even more annoyed when I saw it was starring Bindi Irwin – she is REALLY annoying. I was excited to see a trailer for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland…too bad my son said it looks too scary to watch. I was surprised that the new Karate Kid remake with Jackie Chan and Fresh Prince Jr. looked decent. Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief has an unnecessarily long title, but it looks pretty good. Despicable Me also looks worth researching. The Rock as the Tooth Fairy looks like shit. My husband argued with me about it, defending The Rock’s career choice, but I think it was the hockey fan talking. Oh yeah, they’re also making Marmaduke. I gagged before I realized that Owen Wilson was starring, then I actually did vomit a little.

Back to the Chipmunk thing…I have make a confession. I did want to see The Chipettes perform Single Ladies. I admitted it, now leave me alone.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Ooh ee ooh ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang.

That is the exact point that I stopped being okay with this film – the remake of my favorite Chipmunk song ever. Do juvenile chipmunks *really* need skanky back-up dancers? I thought that was what The Chipettes were for? Coincidentally, The Chipettes will be featured in the upcoming sequel. Meh.

Jason Lee makes yet another kid-friendly film. Hey – at least it’s better than Underdog, although the Chipmunks are also suspiciously genital-free. Lee was a surprisingly good choice for David Seville. He got the “Alvinnnnnnnnn!” yell just right.

The romance element was stupid. That girl was at least 15 years too young for Jason Lee – did he find her while trolling the high schools? I thought I recognized her, but I couldn’t figure out where from. The only thing that stood out on imdb was Point Pleasant, some godawful FOX show from a few years ago – my husband tried to watch it until it was canceled, it was just pointless.

So what was the point of getting a big name like Justin Long to play Alvin? It’s not like his voice acting is at all recognizable when it’s all speeded (is that even a word?) up like that. He doesn’t have kids to impress or $cientology bills to pay like Jason Lee does, so he must need the money. Maybe he picked up a coke habit from hanging around with Kirsten Drunkst? I suppose Jesse McCartney is a big name with girls that don’t need training bras yet – first I ever saw of him was on Thanksgiving – I don’t remember if it was on a float or during a football game – I just remember everyone trying to figure out who the fuck he was.

So I haven’t decided whether or not the fued between David Cross and Patton Oswalt over this film is real or not. If it is real, I’m torn over who to side with. Patton does have a point – being the bad guy in a kid’s film is a kinda shit role – but then again, his attitude can sometimes be just on the self righteous side of snobby. Sure, Ratatouille is fucking great film and he deserves to be proud of his involvement, but not at the expense of his fellow working comedians. It’s not like he personally won an Oscar for it. Also, being in Chipmunk movie is hardly the most D-list thing that David Cross has been involved in – that would be the Celebrity Poker Tournament. Alvin & The Chipmunks is certainly a step up? Even though Patton clarified and apologized, Team Cross!

As much as I complained about the film, I still bought the soundtrack for my son for Christmas. I’d much rather listen to Alvin & The Chipmunks than Barney, The Wiggles or fucking Elmo Sings the Blues. I’ll just quietly skip over the remake of ‘Witch Doctor’ and he won’t be the wiser. (I also got him an animatronic baby chipmunk. I guess it’s a good thing he can’t read yet, huh? This review sure would ruin Christmas.)

 

Josie and the Pussycats

The best thing about this film was the dopey Boy Band, Du Jour (French for “of the day”). They were unbelievably GAY – but not any more so that real Boy Bands, like NSYNC or The Backstreet Boys. I was surprised by their nasty song, ‘Backdoor Lover.’

The film was pretty funny, but not for the obvious reasons that the average teen audience would find funny. Didn’t they realize that this movie was making fun of them? How could they laugh at the fact that this film flat out says that they are low IQ, trend following imbeciles that will slurp up whatever marketing ploys that the big corporations put in front of them?

The product placement in this film was mind-numbing. Of course, it was a part of the plot – but I’m sure it added a pretty penny to the production budget as well. I don’t think could wash myself with a Fry Guy and take myself seriously as a human being.

Carson Daly is the Antichrist.

Tara Reid made me want to kill. I know she was supposed to be goofy and dumb, but it was just grating. I actually applauded when she was killed in Urban Legend.

I like Parker Posey. See the The House of Yes.

Professor Sean loves this movie. At first, I thought he was just a pedophile, but it was pretty entertaining – for a teen movie.