Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

December 31, 2009

Few things give me nightmares these days, but hearing Alvin the chipmunk tell someone that he’s going to eat their liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti sent chills down my spine. He even did that slurpy, tongue flicking thing.

This can only mean one of two things. Either Alvin is a serial killer and his use of the quote was only intended to make adults laugh OR David Seville is a rotten parent and allows his little chipmunks to watch Rated R movies. Either way, the implications are chilling. I’m leaning towards the latter, since Alvin also does a Taxi Driver impersonation in the film.

Believe it or not, The Squeakquel is the first, last and only film that I got to see in the theater in 2009. I kept meaning to go see some stuff, especially Zombieland, but I never got around to it. So while I was wishing for my death yesterday, my son was watching the best movie ever made. He really liked the first one, so I thought we could have a special day together at the movies. Now I know why my mother fell asleep during every single movie – it was self preservation!

The plot is pretty cliché…your basic ‘battle of the bands’ storyline. (Do ‘battle of the bands’ even occur in real life? The closest I’ve ever seen was a lip-synching contest back in college, and that was mostly an excuse for guys to cross-dress.) For some reason, the chipmunks are in High School? If they were actually High School age, wouldn’t their voices have changed by now? Wouldn’t they be chip-men? I was also grossed out by chipmunks flirting with teenage girls. Again, with the bestiality.

The Squeakquel pulled a classic bait and switch with the cast. Jason Lee is only in the film for about three minutes…the chipmunks are being taken care by Dave’s nephew, Toby, who is suspiciously played by the guy from Chuck. Maybe NBC set up the trade? In any case, that kind of bullshit is for straight-to-DVD movies, not big budget Christmas releases. Bringing back the same villain for two movies in a row is also some lazy bullshit. I love David Cross to pieces, but seriously? Shenanigans! I call shenanigans!

At least I got to see some good trailers. First, I was horrified by the fact that they’re making another Free Willy. How many times has that stupid fucking whale been caught? If he’s that stupid, he deserves to end up in a tuna can. I was even more annoyed when I saw it was starring Bindi Irwin – she is REALLY annoying. I was excited to see a trailer for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland…too bad my son said it looks too scary to watch. I was surprised that the new Karate Kid remake with Jackie Chan and Fresh Prince Jr. looked decent. Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief has an unnecessarily long title, but it looks pretty good. Despicable Me also looks worth researching. The Rock as the Tooth Fairy looks like shit. My husband argued with me about it, defending The Rock’s career choice, but I think it was the hockey fan talking. Oh yeah, they’re also making Marmaduke. I gagged before I realized that Owen Wilson was starring, then I actually did vomit a little.

Back to the Chipmunk thing…I have make a confession. I did want to see The Chipettes perform Single Ladies. I admitted it, now leave me alone.

Year – 2009
Rating – PG
Runtime – 88 minutes
Genre – Shitting on our childhood; Sequel
Director(s) – Betty Thomas
Writer(s) – Jon Vitti, Jonathan Abel
Actor(s) – Zachary Levi, Jason Lee, David Cross, Justin Long, Christina Applegate
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "I'll eat your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti!" - Alvin (Justin Long)