Grease 2

 

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I think my daughter hates me. I was watching Grease and Grease 2 came on afterwards and she made me watch it, too. Somehow, I had managed to avoid it for the last 42 years. It’s so, SO bad. I give her credit, though – about half way through, she begged to change the channel, but I wouldn’t let her. She must live with the consequences of her bad decisions.

So instead of muscle cars, the thing is motorcycles. And instead of Sandy, the Australian exchange student, we get her cousin Michael, the English exchange student. Good thing Frenchy, the Beauty School Dropout, is around to push the plot along by telling Michael exactly what he needs to do to win Stephanie’s heart. Barf. Strangely enough, she mysteriously disappears halfway through the movie.

Why does everyone except Michelle Pfeiffer look period appropriate? Her hair is just not right, and neither are her clothes. Honestly, I don’t even think that Michelle Pfeiffer is even in the same movie as everyone else.

So many songs – and they are so dumb! Weird as hell songs about bowling and sexual reproduction and going to the grocery store. What the actual fuck? and the Motorcycle Heaven scene – are they fucking kidding? There’s only one explanation – cocaine. Bales and bales of cocaine.

Why is the bad guy the same pitted-face dick from the first movie? So lazy. And why did I have to see so much of Adrian Zmed’s nipples? He just comes off as a dick the whole movie, especially when he is making out with Judy Garland’s daughter. Oh, and Christopher McDonald (he eats pieces of shit for breakfast)! And the Sagal twins – I was OBSESSED with that show Double Trouble!

I didn’t realize that Pamela Adlon is Pamela Segall – she was in one of my favorite movies as a kid – Something Special (AKA Milly/Willy). I need to track that down for my kids to watch.

I hope I never have to sit through this again.

Magic Mike

Unless they were swinging their trouser snakes around, this movie was utterly boring.

Actually, the trouser snake slinging wasn’t all that exciting either. I guess we’re old ladies now, but there used to be a time when trouser snake slinging was exciting. Back when we were 18, our moms took my BFF and I to La Bare. We thought we were HOT SHIT. We were young and naive and gleefully shoving our allowance dollars into their banana hammocks. We had even written our phone numbers on the bills, because we were such hot shit. Imagine my mother’s surprise when I got a phone call a few days later. She was PISSED after taking a message from some stripper who admitted he got the number off a dollar bill…

Not enough Big Dick Richie. Not enough DICK in general – just one likely prosthetic peen in a penis pump. A good amount of jiggling buns and oiled up pecs. Lots of boobies.

I gagged every time that Tarzan was onscreen. He looked like Mickey Rourke in Iron Man 2. Blech.

I was confused by the end of the movie. It just fucking ended like they ran out of film. It felt like blue balls – the film was working towards some kind of resolution, but nothing was resolved. Like my BFF said, Magic Mike is basically Boogie Nights with Male Strippers instead of Porn Stars. Male Strippers can’t get Small Business loans and get sucked into bad drug deals. Wahhhhhhhh.

  

Camp Hell

WARNING – teenagers dry humping in the forest can summon demons.

That’s right…those poor teenagers didn’t even get to have sex. They barely got to second base and things went to shit.

What the pastor (Bruce Davison sure is busy these days!) in the film calls “demonic oppression” seems to be the symptoms of being a teenager. As far as I can tell, ALL teenagers are suffering from “demonic oppression.” As a matter of fact, I’m a grown ass woman and I might be suffering from “demonic oppression.” I guess dry humping my husband in the woods wouldn’t work, since we’re married and all. Fuck…how can I go about stirring up some demons in the wooded area behind my house? Maybe if I play some devil music really, really loud…

If I was Jesse Eisenberg, I would be pissed off about being used to market this movie, too. He was in only in the film for a grand total of 2 minutes. Those 2 minutes did not make any sense, either.

Wanna hear the kicker? As the film ends, the audience is informed that this film was “Based on True Events.” After a gigglesnort, I did some googling and found that the director based it on the fucked up super-Catholic summer camp he was forced to attend as a child. I gigglesnort no more. I initially had no idea if the maker of the film was serious or not when he made this film, but after reading that, I can see that he was as serious as a fucking heart attack. I have no doubt that fucked up things happened at that summer camp. I only went to church camp once, but since I was raised Episcopal, it was pretty mild. The most torturous thing that I remember was being made to watch The Hiding Place without a potty break. Oh, and this kid named Bill trying to get us to smoke pine needles. I consider myself pretty lucky that lip-syncing to Tiffany was the most horrifying thing that I remember about church camp. Reading that interview makes me understand the film a bit more, but unfortunately, it doesn’t make the film any less boring either.