Shrek Forever After

I felt so uncomfortable watching the beginning of this film with my kids…what if they knew that I feel like Shrek sometimes?

As far as I know, my son is no junior psychotherapist…he didn’t pick up any tension as I squirmed in my seat, commiserating with Shrek’s plight. What parent doesn’t reminisce about how cool they were before they had kids? Before responsibility, before potty training and homework, before mortgages and swimming lessons and time outs and smoochies…can’t forget about the slobbery, wet booger smoochies.

Shrek just wants to get away from the stresses of family life for a little while and ends up making some REALLY bad decisions that put him in jeopardy of losing not only his family, but his life. It’s like The Hangover for kindergartners, with a bit of It’s a Wonderful Life on the side. Notwithstanding the movies, I’ve seen people pull this shit in real life, too. The girl I know who decided her husband wasn’t letting her live her life, so she ditched him and her toddlers and shacked up with a 20-something still living with his parents. All of the fucking skeevy old men (and a few women) I work with that fuck anything that moves. Casey Anthony, for fuck’s sake. The planet is full of folks that ditch their familial responsibilities, for just a few hours or days…or forever in some recently shocking cases.

Several months ago, I had the chance to skip town for a ‘girls weekend.’ We could do ANYTHING we wanted – like Shrek, we were free to go scare the villagers. We could do a shitload of drugs and drive down Central Expressway naked, steal signs and traffic cones, go watch (probably gay) men dance naked, make movies about how much we love cigarettes and sea monkeys, dress like an Indian and chase frat boys with knives, or even go pick up underage dudes working at Taco Bell. (All totally hypothetical examples that I know NOTHING about. Maybe.) We could basically do all of the AWESOME things we used to do before we had kids. You know what we did? We ate fast food…a lot…and farted…a lot. We drank a few beers and talked about our kids…and talked shit about other peoples’ kids. We said the words “fuck” and “shit” with freedom…and that’s it. That’s all we did. It wasn’t even a fear of cops or car crashes or herpes or YouTube or husbands that kept us in check…that crazy shit just takes too much energy. Plus, we’ve already done a bunch of crazy ridiculous shit, so we would have to think of NEW crazy ridiculous shit to do…and if you have to plan it, it’s not all that crazy. Don’t get me wrong, we had a blast…but we weren’t exactly scaring any villagers…maybe if we had encountered Rumpelstiltskin, our weekend would have been different. Then again, we probably would have kept our families and asked for unsaggy boobs or a house that cleaned itself.

Back to the film…Shrek has a tantrum and stomps out of his kids’ 1st birthday party. He is promptly roofied by Rumpelstiltskin and signs his old life away. He has a lot of fun at first, until he realizes that his old life doesn’t exist anymore.

Of course, by the end of the film, Shrek gets Fiona to fall in love with him again and things go back to normal. That’s the thing about magic…it’s an easy fix for problems in the land of Far, Far Away. If I got roofied by a midget and ditched my family, I’d be pretty fucked.

Is this supposed to be the last one? Isn’t a Puss in Boots about to come out? When is Mike Myers gonna do something not Shrek related?

  

Shrek the Third

“Willy Wonka” might be about to lose his place as my son’s favorite movie. “Shrek Babies” was the overwhelming favorite over the holidays.

My son was the fortunate recipient of all three Shrek movies, courtesy of Grandpa and Grandma. I tried to go the logical route and start him off watching Shrek, but he was having none of it. He demanded that I take it out of the DVD player immediately and put in “Shrek Babies.” As far as I know, he’s never seen Shrek the Third, but I guess there’s a chance he’s seen it at daycare. (Although every fucking time I walk in the door, they’re watching High School Musical, so I doubt it.) I’m not sure how to explain his obsession and preference for “Shrek Babies.” Has advertising gotten so laser focused that they have figured out how to penetrate the mind of a two year old? I know he’s seen about a jillion TV commercials for the DVD – the first time he saw one, he looked at me and said, “I want to see that.” I guess I should just brace myself for the onslaught of commercial induced begging and pleading now….

Although arguing the point with my son would do little good, I feel obligated to point out that “Shrek Babies” is a bit of a misnomer when it comes to this film. The aforementioned “Shrek Babies” only appear for about 5 minutes – so disappointing! Personally, I am much more fond of the “Drongkey Babies” that appear much more often in the film. Partially because they are cuter, but mostly because every time they appear, my mind wanders to the astronomically confusing physics that must have been necessary for Donkey and Dragon to bump uglies. Or are they the result of some mad magician’s crazy IVF experiments? The mind boggles at the possibilities…

Justin Timberlake is meh…his performance is not even noticeable – they should’ve hired the guy who played Napoleon Dynamite. There’s only one thing he’s good for…dick in a box!

Although I enjoyed Shrek the Third as much as the first and second ones – they’re starting to get a bit formulaic. Is Dreamworks really going to keep spitting these out every three years?

   

Shrek 2

How do a donkey and a dragon have sex? I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around that one. Seriously, I cannot figure it out.

On to less disturbing subjects…Shrek 2 picks up immediately after the end of Shrek with Shrek and Fiona’s honeymoon. (Okay, maybe implied Ogre-sex on the beach isn’t less disturbing.) Just as Shrek is kicking Donkey to the curb in order to get some more hot Ogre lovin’, the newlyweds receive an invite to visit Fiona’s parents, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. Disappointed in his new Son-in-Law and blackmailed by the Fairy Godmother, the King puts a hit out on Shrek. Instead of being rubbed out, Shrek joins forces with his would-be assassin, Puss-in-Boots and stages an armed robbery of the Fairy Godmother’s factory. Shrek uses some of the Fairy Godmother’s stash and wakes up in a barn with 3 chicks. Shrek then has to make his way back to Fiona, who has been fooled by Prince Charming. Why does this sound more like an episode of The Sopranos than a children’s movie?

This is the first kid appropriate movie that I’ve gotten my son to halfway pay attention to – and that was only the singing parts. He really liked the Fairy Godmother’s numbers. I think I’ll introduce him to Absolutely Fabulous next time I have the chance.

It’s not as good as the first one, although my sister disagrees. Shrek and Fiona’s inevitable happy ending just didn’t pack as much of an emotional punch the second time around. How could they not end up together? I was hoping that the third Shrek movie would involve a baby Shrek, but it seems to revolve around some King Arthur nonsense involving Justin Timberlake. Kill me now. Doesn’t Cameron know that starring in a film with your boyfriend is the kiss of death? Just ask J.Lo.

   

Shrek

I should have seen this sooner.

So I go to Lubbock for a couple days to visit Eringoddess, and we run out of things to do by day 3 – so we decide to go to the movies. We narrowed it down to either Boob Raider or Shrek, thankfully we chose Shrek. (Poor Erin had wanted to see Shrek for a long time, but she was seeing some lame-ass that refused to go see it because it was ‘immature’ – needless to say, his ass is history.)

The humor in Shrek is about on the level of The Simpsons or Futurama – it is suitable for children, but there are enough zippy little adult references to keep the adults entertained. Of course, that humor mostly revolves around poo-poo fart jokes, but hey – so does every other film involving Eddie Murphy these days – did you see The Klumps?

Shrek pretty much rips Disney a new asshole – deservedly so! Lord Farquaad’s kingdom is DisneyWorld, a commercialized land of non-substance, fairytale creatures are delegated to the swamp, much as Disney has forsaken it’s fairytale past and has begun to destroy heroes(?) of literature and mythology, such as Tarzan and The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Is it me, or does ‘Lord Farquaad’ sound a lot like ‘Lord Fuckwad’?