Ratpocalypse

 

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What kind of drug-fueled bender led to the making of this film?

Casper Van Dien, late of Starship Troopers plus a hundred hack SyFy films, stars as a US Senator traveling to Russia to speak to their Parliament. He freaks out during his televised address and warns the corrupt politicians that they will all turn into rats…yeah, everyone is laughing until they start turning into CGI rats. It’s not so funny now, is it?

First off, the plot was bonkers. It wasn’t that it didn’t make sense – it was clearly trying to be an allegory of our corrupt political system. The problem is that if every corrupt politician turned into a rat tomorrow, there wouldn’t be riots…there would be PARADES. Literally NO ONE would give a shit. Second, the story doesn’t conclude – the film just…ends. It’s like the filmmaker saw Easy Rider and was like YEAH! That’s not how that works, that’s not how ANY of this works.

I love “so bad, it’s good” movies – they’re my favorite. Sadly, Ratpocalypse is just BAD. I do not recommend.

The Hangover

It had been sitting on my DVR since last May, I FINALLY got around to seeing The Hangover.

It’s everything I thought it would be…and more. Seriously, I couldn’t stop laughing. Even after hearing about it endlessly for almost 2 years, seeing all the press, hearing people quote it (“I am a one man wolf pack.”), all the spoofs, even a CSI: Miami rip-off episode…The Hangover exceeded my expectations of fuckedupedness. I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard since Old School. Coincidence? I think not…

The music was priceless. I was fucking shocked that the movie opened with Danzig…not that there’s anything wrong with that…I missed it while viewing, but there’s a Treat Her Right song on the soundtrack album. NOW THAT’S QUALITY MUSIC RIGHT THERE. I need to buy the soundtrack now. Oh yeah, The Dan Band was back again as well…

I just wanted to punch Bradley Cooper in the face. I don’t think it was just his douchey character Phil, either. I wanted to punch him in the face in Kitchen Confidential (yes, I am one of the eight people who actually watched that show) and I wanted to punch him in the face in Nip/Tuck (he played the TV star that broke his back trying to “Namaste” himself). I can’t think of anything else that I’ve seen him in, so maybe I only know his douchey side? I’ve got to admit though, if I was a widow, I’d totally fuck him in a Burger King bathroom and then deny it later.

I was a fan of Zach Galifianakis long before The Hangover…notwithstanding G-Force, of course. Since his second stint hosting SNL, he’s definitely proven himself as a comedy force…a force that is not afraid to show an unfortunate amount of skin. I wonder if he gets a lot of tail? For the record, I would not have sex with him, bathroom or otherwise.

I wouldn’t have sex with Ed Helms or Ken Jeong either. Justin Bartha…no way, he’s been tainted by an Olsen Twin, not sure which one. Mike Tyson…NO. Heather Graham…certainly, definitely yes. I’ll always have a soft spot for Annie.

Well…this review degenerated rather quickly. Let’s talk about the sequel…the boys go to Thailand…it seems like a money grab, but then again, I didn’t think Harold and Kumar could make the magic last, but they proved me wrong. Here’s to artistic integrity!

   

Monster

Monster almost makes up for The Astronaut’s Wife and The Cider House Rules. Almost.

I find it nearly impossible to forgive stars for inflicting bad performances and/or bad movies upon the public. As much as I love Kyle MacLachlan, I’ll never forgive him for The Flintstones. The same goes for Matthew Broderick – The Cable Guy – why? Of course, Johnny Depp gets a pass for The Ninth Gate, but only by the thinnest margins of Fear and Loathing. With that in mind, Charlize Theron is one step closer to a pass…though I doubt that she’ll have the good sense to start passing up tripe.

Many have accused Theron of merely uglying up for an Oscar nod. I even had that assumption before I actually saw the film. Admittedly, the makeup and hair and clothes made a very attractive woman look like she crawled out of a ditch, but that was irrelevant to her performance. As ‘ugly’ as she was, her performance was the truly ugliness. It’s rare that I am actually able to overlook the actress and just see the character. As a rabid viewer of forensics shows, I’ve seen several documentaries on the real Aileen and her courtroom outbursts – for once, it wasn’t overacting – Aileen really was a crazy bitch.

As for Christina Ricci, her performance wasn’t noteworthy in any way. I assume that her character, Selby, was a bit difficult to capture as it could only be an approximation of Aileen’s real companion, Tyria Moore. Tyria understandably distanced herself from the whole situation after selling Aileen down the river. Even so, Ricci’s presence was entirely her own and not the character’s.

Funny how some have accused Monster of showing Aileen’s crimes in such a sympathetic light.I didn’t feel that way at all. Of course, it’s unlikely that Aileen was ever raped by any of her Johns. Even so, the depiction of her rape doesn’t make her any more sympathetic. An unfortunate number of women are raped each day (about one per minute), but how many develop into serial killers afterwards? I think that the film took great strides to show how deeply wrong Aileen’s murders were, starting first with her deserved rapist, moving to threatening Johns and ultimately onto someone who only wanted to help her.

Another glowing recommendation for the film? Monster was the first film in recent memory that my mother did not fall asleep during. Seriously, from the time my sister and I were old enough to go to the movies, it was a given that my mom would be snoring within the first 30 minutes – it was a wonder we didn’t get snatched! Anyway, if it was good enough to keep her awake, it must have been kickass, right? It was either that, or all the yelling and screaming and cursing in the film…

Very Bad Things

Fucking shit.

I have wanted to see this since it came out. My sister went and saw it and of course she told me about the hooker getting headstabbed with the towel hook. Every review mentioned it and I saw just that scene a few times while flipping channels. But I actually sat down and watched it last night and I was not prepared. The hooker’s death was nothing compared to the rest of the weird ass shit that happened…

Christian Slater kissed another guy. Lots of drugs. Lots of killing. The ending is the very best though. I don’t care what anyone says, amputees are funny, funnier than midgets even.

I laughed very hard at the very bad things that these assholes did. I really enjoyed the film, though it confirms my long standing fear of bachelor parties. I had a boyfriend once that did a very bad thing at a bachelor party. He didn’t kill anyone, I don’t think, but still….Anyway, now I am scared to death of them…even if they ‘only’ have strippers, most strippers are pretty damn slutty…I think I am going to try to get my boyfriend’s friends to set up a transsexual stripper if we ever get married.

 

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

Okay – he’s a male prostitute that doesn’t fuck any of his clients. That’s just wrong.

That’s right, he doesn’t fuck any of them, except for the one he falls in love with and she’s gorgeous. She only has one leg, but she is gorgeous nonetheless. Sorry to have spoiled it for you, but it’s a R movie, for chrissakes. You had to expect more than that.

I laughed a lot, but for the most part, this movie was pretty bad. The only reason that it got 3 stars was because I got to see Oded Fehr’s ass. (Remember him from The Mummy?) He is still my sex god. Seeing him, naked, spread-eagled against the wall was all it took…

There were a few genuinely funny gags – like the aquarium guy who only spoke in fisting sexual innuendo, the chick who kept getting sea snails from the bottom of the tank and the cop who kept pulling out his willie…and the ass waxing, can’t forget the ass waxing.

I am glad that I waited for it to come out on video…wish I would have waited for it to come on cable. I am glad I saw it by myself though, wouldn’t want my boyfriend to see me drooling…

;

Frankenhooker

When Jeffrey Franken’s girlfriend, Elizabeth Shelley, is killed by his automated lawn mower, he decides to bring her back to life using the body parts of dead prostitutes. That’s the plot in a nutshell.

Plot is not important in Frankenhooker. Bad special effects are what’s important. Lame jokes are what’s important. This film has what’s important. Like drilling a hole into the correct quadrant of your brain would stimulate the correct nerve to give you a good idea. (Trepaning is gaining popularity these days…) Like a super-concentrated form of crack would cause the user to explode. Like a guinea pig would inhale crack fumes. Like an estrogen-based blood serum would enable female body parts to meld together forming breast monsters and walking heads.Yeah right. Who would believe that crap? Me, that’s who.

Exploding hookers. Deep freezers full of purple goo that keep body parts fresh. Lots of nudity. A weatherman that looks like the Phantom of the Opera. A flip-top head like in the toothbrush commercial. Good movie…good, good movie. Wanna date?