Cult of Chucky

Poor Andy. It’s really hard to get laid when your childhood was ruined by a killer doll.

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Kudos to Chucky (?) For bringing back the original Andy! There’s a bit of meta-power to bringing back the originals…although I would’ve loved a scene that also involved his one-time stand-in, Justin Whalin.

It takes a while to figure out what’s going on, with the going back and forth between Andy and Nica. Once their worlds collide, it becomes a total mindfuck. I’ve got to hand it to Don Mancini, there’s a method to his madness. The whole timeline kind of makes sense. I don’t want to say anything that will give more of the plot away – it’s just too twisted and bizarre. One thing I will say, Cult of Chucky somehow captured the zeitgeist of 2017 by calling out sexual misconduct against women. There are several scenes of sexual abuse that seem to horrify even Chucky himself, which is really saying something. Maybe Don Mancini knew the #ROSEARMY was coming?

I could have lived my whole life without seeing a grown woman breastfeeding a Chucky doll. Just sayin’.

My children have come to the end of their Chucky adventure. They – especially Lily – want to know when the next one is coming out. I don’t know if or when another Chucky is being made, but I hope it is soon. I really want to know what happens after that mindfuck of an ending!

Child’s Play 3

The kids just can’t get enough of Chucky!

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After what I imagine is dozens of foster homes, poor Andy is now 16 and in military school. It’s rather disappointing that the film spends more time showing Andy being bullied by his commanding officer than by Chucky. We want Chucky, not Full Metal Jacket!

I was so sad that they replaced the original Andy (Alex Vincent) with a teenage Andy (Justin Whalin). I can’t watch Whalin in anything without thinking of his Serial Mom role as Scotty the Wanker…

It says a lot about my son that he was way more scared of the Military School Barber, than any scene with Chucky. He’s very protective of his glorious locks. Now I know what to threaten him with…

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A CARNIVAL IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST? Please someone explain this to me, because I do not understand. The cadets are camping out for a paintball war-game and all of a sudden, they’re getting chased by Chucky in a haunted house. Cheesy horror movies don’t have to make complete sense…but a little sense would be nice?

Easily the most boring Chucky film to date. Yawn.

Child’s Play 2

One kid wanted to go see Daddy’s Home 2 and the other one wanted to go see Thor: Ragnarok. Obviously, the only sensible compromise was to take them home and force them to watch Child’s Play 2.

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After the events of the first film, the mom is in the nut hatch and Andy is in foster care. His case worker (Grace Zabriskie AKA Sarah Palmer!) sends him to live with Jenny Agutter and the tough chick from 90210. Jenny Agutter is the worst foster mother on the planet – she sends Andy to school with a fucking egg salad sandwich. It’s like she wants him to be beat up!

In their infinite wisdom, the toy corporation responsible for the Good Guys dolls decide to “fix” Chucky. So then Chucky decides to “fix” Andy…but the cutthroat world of foster care has made Andy a tough little motherfucker…

Honestly, I spent most of the film explaining 90s fashion to my kids…They had so many questions about why people were dressed like that. The hardest one to explain were the slouch socks – no, they are NOT leg warmers. Yes, it’s way more sock than any one person needs.

My kids didn’t agree on whether this one was better than the first one or not…I told therm to buckle up, because we still have 5 Chucky movies to go…

Child’s Play

The time has come…for my children to become men. Well, maybe just one of them – not the daughter.

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Texas Frightmare Weekend has already announced ‘A Celebration of Chucky’ for 2018, so I’ve got to get the kids prepared. Logan got to meet Chris Sarandon last year, so he’s already got a head start. Plus, the two new films – Curse of Chucky and Cult of Chucky – just dropped on cable for Halloween. I filled up my DVR with ALL the Chucky movies over the past month, but I fucked up and missed half of the first one, so I had to run to Wal-Mart and purchase it for $5. It came with a cool-ass horror movie coloring book, so it was totally worth it!

Every time I see that breakfast scene, I cringe. How does she not murder that little shit? Maybe single moms love their kids more. He’s such a whiny little bitch.

I forgot just how long it took for the murdering to start. The kids were bored up to that point, but the were riveted as soon as he took on his trademark snarl and started murdering. What’s funny about kids – they were far more offended by the mom nearly being raped by a hobo, than the fact that this doll is murdering everyone in sight. Precious.

I forgot about the fly decor in the Voodoo Guy’s crib…I’ve definitely been inspired.

So…after watching, I find out that my daughter has a phobia about giant dolls. She said that she’ll be surprised if she doesn’t have nightmares. I forgot that she was terrified of her babysitter’s My Size Barbie. Oops.

Oh, I neglected to mention that I had my son listen to ‘Chuckie’ by The Geto Boys on the way back from Wal-Mart. He said, “That was…interesting.” These kids today, they just don’t understand the hood.

Black Devil Doll

I’ve always had a soft spot for tiny killers, especially killer dolls. I also have a soft spot for complete filth…so is it any wonder that I snatched up the DVD for Black Devil Doll as soon as I passed the booth at Frightmare?

I am not even exaggerating – Black Devil Doll is utterly filthy. The only film that’s filthier is Pink Flamingos and that’s only because of the actual shit-eating and pretend (maybe?) bestiality. (Keep in mind, I haven’t seen Human Centipede yet.) Black Devil Doll stopped short of those two filth standards, but don’t let that disappoint you – there was plenty of filth to be had.

Black Devil Doll is inhabited by the spirit of an executed black militant serial killer, summoned by a bored girl playing with a Ouija Board. (Is it odd that my only personal experience with a Ouija Board was at a church lock-in? Who brings a Ouija Board to a church? Don’t worry, our summoning didn’t work.) Of course, the bored girl immediately starts blowing Black Devil Doll…isn’t that what you’d do? She falls in love with Black Devil Doll, but it all goes to shit when he decides he wants some strange. I could tell you about all the filthy things that Black Devil Doll does, but that would make it that less shocking. I’ll throw you a bone…that little fucker flushes the toilet while a girl is in the shower. If that isn’t evil, I don’t know what is.

The DVD had lots of features – animated shorts, picture galleries and a couple of commentary tracks. There’s an audience reaction track – I’m curious if it’s just the sound of people vomiting then walking out of the film in disgust. There’s also the strangest anti-piracy public service announcement I’ve ever seen.

Black Devil Doll is Rated X, so it’s unlikely to show up on cable…but Netflix has it, so it isn’t too hard to find. Not for the faint of heart – lots of boobies and blood – but I promise you’ll be laughing the whole time.

Piñata: Survival Island

Does it surprise you at ALL that I would watch a movie about a killer piñata? If you are even the least bit surprised, then you don’t know me very well at all.

It’s not the kind of piñata you’re imagining. This killer piñata didn’t come from Party City. No paper mâché here – this bad boy was hand made out of clay and stuffed with the still-beating heart of a wild hog…and a shitload of evil. While searching for 20,000 pairs of underwear (I wish I was making this up – it’s some kind of fraternity/sorority scavenger hunt), the piñata is discovered by a stoned couple. They crack it open with a rock and the piñata goes batshit insane, as piñatas often do.

Jaime Pressly and Xander from Buffy, The Vampire Slayer are the only “big stars” in the film, unless you count the Asian guy from Star Trek: Voyager…which I don’t.

My sister-in-law only made it about 45 minutes in…which is about how long she made it through Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. I made it all the way through, although I was yawning all the way. I seriously need a DVR intervention to keep me from recording shit like this.


Another killer doll movie?

After 8 years and almost 300 reviews…it’s probably obvious that I have a thing for killer dolls. I’ll always tune in for the exploits of the Demonic Toys, the Puppet Master, Dollman, the Blood Dolls of of course, the king of them all – Chucky. So of course, I’ve got to watch Dolls – another killer doll flick executive produced by Charles Band (responsible for all of the franchises above except for the Chucky films) and it’s directed by Stuart Gordon of Re-Animator fame.

Dolls follows the “stranded motorist” formula to the letter. These stranded motorists, caught in a storm, must seek refuge in a creepy mansion. In this case, the motorists are a dysfunctional family – father, daughter and evil step-mother. It took me awhile to figure out that the step mother was NOT a man in drag – she’s just kind of ugly. Anyway, she was wearing a turban for most of the movie – I guess to give off that evil queen in Snow White vibe. More stranded motorists show up – a big goofy guy and two hitchhiking punk hookers. The punk hookers were dressed like Madonna circa Like a Virgin. The owners of the house are an elderly, doll-making couple. DANGER! PEOPLE WHO MAKE DOLLS ONLY MAKE MURDEROUS DOLLS! THEY WILL ALSO TURN YOU INTO A CRAZY KILLER DOLL! DOLLMAKERS ARE FUCKING CRAZY! This rule should be added to the list of horror movie rules, because it’s always fucking true.

I thought I recognized the first punk hooker victim of the killer dolls. She looked familiar in an MTV kind of way. After checking imdb, I found out I was right – she was the chick in the A-Ha video. (Don’t ask which A-Ha video – you know there was only one.)

The scene at the beginning with the giant killer teddy bear reminded me of that Bjork video. I wonder if this is where she got that idea?

I noticed during the credits that the movie was filmed in Rome, Italy. Does that mean it’s a Spaghetti Slasher?

Slow starting…but worth watching for the doll attack scenes – especially the tin soldier firing squad.

Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys

I honestly don’t know who’s worse – Corey Feldman or Vanessa Angel.

Don’t get me wrong – they both suck. A lot. I would be hard pressed to say who would win more in a sucking contest. On the one hand, there’s Corey Feldman. Anyone who saw him in the first season of The Surreal Life hates his fucking guts. He’s a little pretentious pussy who cries at the drop of the hat. (Not that crying makes you a pussy – Vince Neil cried too – and HE’S not a pussy.) He’s also very, very tiny. According to the IMDB, he’s 5’3. He doesn’t even come up to my tits! Also, he’s still the uglier half of ‘The Coreys.’ It’s never good to be the uglier half of ANYTHING. Feldman can’t act, can’t sing and seems to be incapable of grasping the fact that he’s a has-been. Maybe that’s starting to sink in a little bit, now that he’s been in this colossal piece of ass…

Vanessa Angel, on the other hand, probably has a good shot at winning a sucking contest, albeit a sucking contest of another kind. Her lips are now approximately the size of innertubes, which I assume is the result of some kind of cosmetic procedure. It’s either that or hemorrhoids. Seriously, girlfriend might want to start thinking about using Preparation H instead of lip gloss. In any case, her acting is worse that Feldman’s – but due to her inflated jugs, she’s been keeping herself pretty busy with shitty straight-to-Sci Fi Channel movies with titles like Sabretooth, Raging Sharks and Out for Blood. Oh yeah – she also has a spot on one of my least favorite shows ever – Stargate SG-1.

For now, we’re at an impasse – I’ll go on with the review and make up my mind a little later on…For the record, I’m not a scholar of the Full Moon oeuvre of pictures…I’ve seen a parts here and there, but I’ve never sat down and intentionally watched an entire Puppet Master or Demonic Toys movie from beginning to end. With that in mind, I cannot begin to comment on whether this film was a good, bad or indifferent addition to the series. I can tell you that this was a very, very shitty movie that made my eyes bleed.

Corey Feldman plays the middle-aged descendant of the original Puppet Master. Middle-aged? What the fuck? They didn’t even bother putting old age make-up on him. They made his hair a little bit gray and gave him glasses, that’s it. We weren’t even that lazy in High School Theatre…In any case, Feldman also has a “12 year-old” daughter, who looks about 20. Plus, there seemed to be some kind of sexual tension between them – GROSS! Vanessa Angel plays the daughter of the creator of the Demonic Toys – I think? She wants the Puppet Master’s puppets for her very own. Oh yeah, and she’s in league with a demon for reasons that are not entirely made clear. She also likes to put her receptionists in an Iron Maiden made out of plastic, lined with rubber spikes. Again, the reasons for this are unclear.

The Puppets are lame. The Demonic Toys are lame…except for the perverted baby doll – Baby Oopsy. Even though all he does is fart a lot and try to breastfeed with inappropriately sharp teeth, his tiny bit of comic relief is much appreciated.

Oh yeah – I forgot to mention – this is a Christmas film. Not that it matters, just thought I’d warn you.

Back to the sucking contest. Although Feldman delivered good performances in The Goonies, Stand by Me and The Lost Boys, that’s getting to be 20 years ago. Even so, all Vanessa Angel’s got is Kingpin. And she wasn’t even that good in Kingpin. But Angel does have one thing going for her – she’s hasn’t starred in a reality show for washed up celebrities – yet. (Much less gotten married on one – what was he thinking?) And as far as I know, she hasn’t embarked on a self-indulgent music career, nor has she named a child “Zen.” (Most pretentious. Baby name. EVER.) And although her lips appear to warrant a Hemorrhoidectomy, she still doesn’t quite manage to suck as much as Corey Feldman. Sorry Mouth – you win…or lose, depending on your point of view. The only thing that is certain – if you waste your time watching Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, you most definitely DO lose.

Seed of Chucky

As we were sitting in the dark, waiting for the previews to begin, I was put in the position of rationalizing why I felt it was necessary to go see Seed of Chucky on opening weekend. I tried to explain what a big deal it was – that it was like Lord of the Rings. My husband said that was the “most asinine thing I have ever heard you say.” (Not as big an insult as you would think – he says that to me all the time. What can I say? I sometimes tend towards the asinine.) I then changed tack slightly to say that I wanted Seed of Chucky to outgross Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. Yeah…he laughed at me – but who has the last laugh NOW? Chucky grossed $8,774,520, while Bridget only grossed $8,684,055. In your face, Renee Zellwuhuzajigger! You got served by a KILLER DOLL!

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Seed of Chucky lived up to my expectations and more. Picking up 5 years after Bride of Chucky, we find that the “baby” Tiffany shat out was rescued and taken to Merry Old England to perform as a ventriloquist’s dummy in a freak show. (I guess that was the best way to explain why Shithead sounds like a British Hobbit?) After seeing “Chucky” and “Tiffany” on TV promoting their new film, Shithead realizes that they must be his parents, escapes and mails himself to Hollywood, where he brings them back to life. Then the fun begins…

As with most dolls, the Seed of Chucky AKA Shithead is not anatomically correct. This leads to some interesting ‘Glen or Glenda’ scenes – Ed Wood would have been proud, as would Norman Bates. (As a matter of fact, why DO Chucky and Tiffany have genitals, anyway? Did they add an extra verse to the voodoo spell to ensure genitalia? Surely, the Good Guys dolls were not manufactured with a penis?)

Although the genitalia question remains unanswered, many other questions are answered by the end of this film. What reading material does Chucky prefer as a spank aid? Fangoria, of course. What is the average duration of a Voodoo Pregnancy? 2 days, give or take. (I missed the boat on that one, let me tell you.) Does Britney Spears appear in this film? No, but the explosion of the Britney lookalike is just as satisfying. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to see a killer doll do Kung Fu? Yes, it definitely is hilarious.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention – JOHN WATERS! John Waters plays a slimy tabloid photographer who meets a gruesome end. This is me squeeing with delight!

Although wrapping up nicely, just enough room is left in the ending to justify another sequel. I’ll be sad indeed if it takes another six years to make it to the screen.

Blood Dolls

More crap from the writer of those weird ass Puppetmaster movies.

Actually, I am not sure why it wasn’t called Puppetmaster 15 or Demonic Toys 9 – it had exactly the same plot….evil dolls, under the control of some freakass with a grudge against his mother/wife/women in general, go on a killing spree. This time, the deadly dolls are under the control of this weirdo with a really small head. Really small – like that shrunken head guy in Beetlejuice. He starts out with these two dolls – one looks like an evil pimp, complete with pimp hat, bell bottoms and platforms; the other one looks like an ogre from Warcraft II. (Oh shit, I am a dork.) He has a doll making machine and turns his Chinese lawyer into a doll as well, all S&M and shit. But after the first 20 minutes or so, he doesn’t turn anyone else into a doll. What the hell? A complete waste…it would have been a lot funnier if he would have went around turning people into dolls left and right.

What’s really strange about it was the fact that he had a girl band locked in a cage in his house and whenever he wanted them to play for him, he would have his pet midget (that same midget in all these crappy horror films) go electroshock them. He also has this weird preacher henchman, with a clown face…

The warning in front of the film promised brief nudity…it was brief all right. One of the chicks in the band flashes her tits – and that’s it! What a letdown!

Is it obvious that I don’t go to the movies anymore, I just sit around and watch cable?