Dead Ant

 

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Never pee on an ant on sacred Native American lands after taking cursed peyote.

I mean, that’s just common sense, right? Well, apparently, the members of 80s Glam Rock Band Sonic Grave do not have any common sense. And especially don’t buy Peyote from the guy who played Horse on Twin Peaks. He will totally fuck you over.

I only recorded this because Sean Astin & Jake Busey are in the band…and their manager is Tom Arnold. And still, with those low expectations, I was still disappointed.

The film was pretty boring and dumb, but there are moments that had me guffawing. The end is pretty funny because you finally get to hear the band play. They suck so bad, that the giant killer ants commit suicide to escape their shitty music. Sonic Grave does have a song that isn’t shitty – it’s called “Side Boob” and it’s a pretty good jam.

The Mummy (2017)

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I’ve never tried so hard to NOT watch a movie. I played games on my phone, ate cinnamon toast, took a dump…yet I still ended up watching too much of this abysmal film.

They thought they were starting a Universal Monsters extended Film Universe…but they led with the wrong monster! Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll was the only watchable part of this whole mess. If they had led with Dr. Jekyll, maybe this whole thing could’ve worked.

It wasn’t empowerment – the only reason they made the Mummy a woman was so that they could dress a model in a skimpy mummy outfit.

Oh the good old double-double cross – ugh, I’m so tired of seeing this tired old trope. Also tired of the dead comrade moving the plot along trope – see American Werewolf in London and Pet Sematery. That’s really what’s wrong with the film – it’s all cliches, nothing fresh at all. Ugh, so bad.

Arachnoquake

The SyFy Channel has really gone above and beyond this time. They’ve gone beyond having giant creatures fighting each other and they are now mixing giant creatures with natural disasters with Arachnoquake. Earthquakes bring gigantic spiders to New Orleans, nevermind that fact that the Gulf Coast isn’t exactly know for tremors. A spider-inducing earthquake doesn’t make any less sense that a hurricane full of spiders – why not Arachnocane? But I digress…

The D-List stars of Arachnoquake are Tracy Gold (Growing Pains and star of hundreds of Lifetime Movies) and Edward Furlong (these days more porker than Pecker). They play a married couple with teenagers and although Gold is way older than Furlong, he looks way older than her…he has not aged well at all. He looked like a filthy fat hillbilly.

As I mentioned earlier, the film takes place in New Orleans. The credits involve our hero doing the walk of shame in the French Quarter and there are a few swamp scenes, but other than that, this film could take place anywhere. The few token “Cajuns” sound fucking Russian. Also, there are only 2 African Americans in this film, but…like most horror movies, they died first. (I’m not racist, the entertainment industry is.)

I wasn’t paying much attention by the end of the film, so after an explosion and ending of the film, I asked my son how they killed the big spider. He said the guy crawled up inside the spider and put a string tied to a bomb and then they blew her up. Just kidding, I asked him if he crawled up the spider’s butt (little boys like butt jokes) and quite seriously, he said yes, he crawled up the spider’s butt. I still don’t know if he was just fucking with me or not.

My four year old loved this movie. If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know about Arachnoquake, I don’t know what does.

Eight Legged Freaks

Starring David Arquette, my third favorite Arquette.

David is only my third favorite Arquette because he still has a penis, unlike my first favorite Arquette, Alexis. He also was not in Stigmata, Flirting with Disaster or A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors like my second favorite Arquette. David gets third status based on Airheads and the Scream movies. We’ll not mention the whole 1-800-CALL-ATT thing, where he was only slightly less annoying than his replacement, Carrot Top.

David Arquette returns to his hometown to get busy with the sheriff – Kari Wuhrer. Before he can get the booty, he must save the town (and his gold mine) from the titular eight legged freaks. The spiders grew to monstrous proportions after ingesting toxic waste laced crickets. Apparently, this is a new type of toxic waste – not to be confused with the kind that turns you into a mutant super hero as in The Toxic Avenger or the kind that turns you into a brain munching zombie, as in The Return of the Living Dead. Actually, the only effect on humans was as a topical hair growth agent. Interesting.

Scarlett Johansson also stars as Sheriff Kari’s teenage daughter. She gets to taser her boyfriend in the nuts when he gets too fresh. He sports a pee stain for the rest of the movie. Nice.

The one thing about Eight Legged Freaks that bugged the shit out of me – the sound effects. Why did the spiders make chipmunk noises? I don’t find it outside the realm of possibility that spiders make some kind of noise and that their noises would be magnified into the human hearing range proportionately to their growth…but would they really sound like Chip and Dale, Rescue Rangers?

I liked this movie better the first time I saw it, when it was called Arachnophobia. I know, the spiders are bigger because of toxic waste…but killer spiders are killer spiders, no matter the size. Besides, Arachnophobia was just a rip-off of Kingdom of the Spiders, a great piece of 70s cheese starring The Shat.

 

Invasion of the Bee Girls

B stands for Bronco, Benz, BMW, Bass, Bangles and a pair of Bars, when you see us comin’ up down the ave, you’ll act like we are stars…It’s Invasion of the Bee Girls – not B-Girls! (Am I the only one who remembers that song?)

It seems that all the men in town are dying with their pants around their ankles. What could possibly be causing all these deaths? Is it heart disease? Is it something in the water? Is it an angry homosexual? Or is it something more insidious? A woman scorned, perhaps? Or just your run of the mill, woman/insect mutation?

Playmate of the Year 1968, Victoria Vetri, stars as the sexy librarian who must solve the mystery of the murdered, molested men. Of course, she’s also a suspect – the first guy who died…well, he died after boning her. Maybe it was a coincidence…but maybe she’s a Bee Girl. Doesn’t matter to the detective (The Marlboro Man!) on the case – he tries to get into her pants anyway.

Two scenes stood out and made the film worth watching. The first was when the detective busted into a slain professor’s gay S&M hidey hole. The camera panned around the room – his love shack was so stereotypical that it bordered on offensive – it was a cross between Austin Powers’ swinging bachelor pad and Liberace’s bedroom. There were whips and chains everywhere, a miniature Statue of David and tropical fish…so of course, he must have been a flaming homo. His lover was also crouching in the corner, which begs the question – does he live there? Keep in mind, this hidey hole was behind a hidden door in the Professor’s office – I wonder if all College Professors had this type of set up? That sure would explain a lot…

The other scene that made this movie for me was the scene in which the evil “Queen Bee” creates a Bee Girl. Basically, she kidnapped a housewife and brought her to the Hive – or laboratory…whatever. “Queen Bee” and her Bee Girls stripped the poor woman naked and then groped all over her body. Lesbians were REALLY popular in the 70s, given they were either Vampires, possessed or not human in some way. They then covered her entire body in whipped cream (Was it supposed to be Royal Jelly???). They locked her in a radiation chamber and zapped her. Voila! She’s a Bee Girl. Unfortunately, Bee Girls look just like normal girls, except for their black contact lenses. What a letdown!

This is your stereotypical cheesy 70s flick – lots of campy dialogue, nonsensical “science” jargon and saline-free nudity. Not a total waste of time.