October 13, 2012

The SyFy Channel has really gone above and beyond this time. They’ve gone beyond having giant creatures fighting each other and they are now mixing giant creatures with natural disasters with Arachnoquake. Earthquakes bring gigantic spiders to New Orleans, nevermind that fact that the Gulf Coast isn’t exactly know for tremors. A spider-inducing earthquake doesn’t make any less sense that a hurricane full of spiders – why not Arachnocane? But I digress…

The D-List stars of Arachnoquake are Tracy Gold (Growing Pains and star of hundreds of Lifetime Movies) and Edward Furlong (these days more porker than Pecker). They play a married couple with teenagers and although Gold is way older than Furlong, he looks way older than her…he has not aged well at all. He looked like a filthy fat hillbilly.

As I mentioned earlier, the film takes place in New Orleans. The credits involve our hero doing the walk of shame in the French Quarter and there are a few swamp scenes, but other than that, this film could take place anywhere. The few token “Cajuns” sound fucking Russian. Also, there are only 2 African Americans in this film, but…like most horror movies, they died first. (I’m not racist, the entertainment industry is.)

I wasn’t paying much attention by the end of the film, so after an explosion and ending of the film, I asked my son how they killed the big spider. He said the guy crawled up inside the spider and put a string tied to a bomb and then they blew her up. Just kidding, I asked him if he crawled up the spider’s butt (little boys like butt jokes) and quite seriously, he said yes, he crawled up the spider’s butt. I still don’t know if he was just fucking with me or not.

My four year old loved this movie. If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know about Arachnoquake, I don’t know what does.

Year – 2012
Rating –
Runtime – 86 minutes
Genre – SyFy
Director(s) – Griff Furst
Writer(s) – Paul A. Birkett, Eric Forsberg
Actor(s) – Tracey Gold, Edward Furlong, Bug Hall, Ethan Phillips, Megan Adelle
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "It's time to dance, you big beautiful bitch!" - Russian/Cajun Dude