Stan Helsing

Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface and Michael in a movie together? It’s like a horror fan’s wet dream, right?

Not so fast…it’s not really Jason, his name is Mason. And that’s not Freddy, it’s Fweddy…and why is he wearing Flavor Flav’s clock? Is that a yarmulke on Michael Myers head? And why is Pleatherface (not Leatherface) wearing a Coach Purse on his face? Because Stan Helsing is basically Scary Movie 5, that’s why.

Stan Helsing is loosely parodying Van Helsing, except Stan isn’t hunting vampires and werewolves – he’s hunting 80s horror movie characters. Stan works at Schlockbuster Video (like I did!) and on Halloween night, he is ordered to drop off some videos to the owner’s mother. Stan talks his best friend (SNL’s Kenan Thompson) into detouring to make the delivery while on the way to a Halloween party. That’s when things started to get fucked up.

I was expecting a comedy, but wasn’t expecting the full Scary Movie parody treatment. In fact, if it was made by the Producers of Scary Movie, why didn’t they just call it Scary Movie 5? Licensing maybe?

There was one scene that terrified me more than anything I’ve seen recently…the scene where the Stripper/Massage Therapist is stuck in a pipe and a mouse crawls all over her vagina. Yeah, she’s wearing underwear, but that thing was sniffing and scratching and poking everywhere…If Freddy, I mean Fweddy, was gonna give me nightmares, THAT’S what would send me over the edge – vermin in my vagina. (I wonder what would happen if I google “vermin in my vagina”? Let’s see what the first result is… Holy. Fucking. Shit.)

About half the film is really lame, especially the karaoke ending – but the other half is actually pretty funny. I’d rather watch Stan Helsing 100 times than have watch Van Helsing again just once.

 

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

How did she fit that gun in her vag? Furthermore, once she got it up there, how did she get it to stay there?

Although there are many other fascinating topics of conversation that I could expound upon relating to the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – there’s only one that comes to mind again and again. My mouth dropped down to the floor when the hitchhiker pulled a gun out of her crotch, put the barrel in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Un. Fucking. Believable.

The rest of the movie is just as foul. Meat hooks and inbred rednecks and torture and chainsaws all that you would expect from the remake of the first slasher flick. About the only things I can find to recommend about the film are the crotch gun and R. Lee Ermey. He’s like cheese – everything’s better with cheese and/or R. Lee Ermey.

I’m not a fan of Jessica Biel. I don’t know if it’s 7th Heaven or…yeah, it’s definitely 7th Heaven. Although she’s the only one who had the good sense to get out for good, any association, no matter how brief, is pure evil. That show will ultimately be responsible for the coming apocalypse. Anyone who watches that god-forsaken show is dead to me. (Except Mrs. Z, of course.) On the other hand, if they could have gotten Reverend Camden to play Leatherface, this would have truly been a film worth watching.

And no, the movie definitely is NOT based on a true story. There was never a family of killer cannibals living anywhere in Texas. No matter how many times I try to explain the Ed Gein connection, I find people (including one of my sisters) who swear up and down that it really happened. Whatever dude.

 

The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre

It was on again last night. How could I not watch Renée Zellweger’s finest film?

Truthfully, I view this as her finest film. Normally, I can’t stand the squinty eyed little rat, but she’s not so bad when she’s being chased around by a chainsaw.

This is also one of Matthew McConaughey’s best. He plays Vilmer, patriarch of the Chainsaw family. Why he has never been tapped to play a psycho after this, I do not understand. McConaughey is totally over the top and fucking crazy. See, Vilmer had an accident and has a mechanical leg brace that he runs with TV remotes. He actually wears a tool belt full of a dozen remotes, just in case he runs out of batteries. Vilmer is the second best thing about film….

The best thing about the film is the explanation of the existence of the Chainsaw family. (I’m gonna spoil this for you, since it’s highly unlikely that you’ll actually watch this stupid film.) Simply enough, they are commissioned by the Illuminati. That’s right, THE ILLUMINATI. The Illuminati wants to control people through fear…and to show people true horror, they hire a bunch of psychos to continually kill people and eat them, in Texas, of all places. You know, it gives us Texans a bad name….

Leatherface is a transvestite in this film. No shit, he wears women’s skin like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs and dresses in drag.

The acting is horrible and Renée Zellweger doesn’t die, but other than that – it’s a riot to watch.