The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre

It was on again last night. How could I not watch Renée Zellweger’s finest film?

Truthfully, I view this as her finest film. Normally, I can’t stand the squinty eyed little rat, but she’s not so bad when she’s being chased around by a chainsaw.

This is also one of Matthew McConaughey’s best. He plays Vilmer, patriarch of the Chainsaw family. Why he has never been tapped to play a psycho after this, I do not understand. McConaughey is totally over the top and fucking crazy. See, Vilmer had an accident and has a mechanical leg brace that he runs with TV remotes. He actually wears a tool belt full of a dozen remotes, just in case he runs out of batteries. Vilmer is the second best thing about film….

The best thing about the film is the explanation of the existence of the Chainsaw family. (I’m gonna spoil this for you, since it’s highly unlikely that you’ll actually watch this stupid film.) Simply enough, they are commissioned by the Illuminati. That’s right, THE ILLUMINATI. The Illuminati wants to control people through fear…and to show people true horror, they hire a bunch of psychos to continually kill people and eat them, in Texas, of all places. You know, it gives us Texans a bad name….

Leatherface is a transvestite in this film. No shit, he wears women’s skin like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs and dresses in drag.

The acting is horrible and Renée Zellweger doesn’t die, but other than that – it’s a riot to watch.