The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

July 11, 2005

How did she fit that gun in her vag? Furthermore, once she got it up there, how did she get it to stay there?

Although there are many other fascinating topics of conversation that I could expound upon relating to the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – there’s only one that comes to mind again and again. My mouth dropped down to the floor when the hitchhiker pulled a gun out of her crotch, put the barrel in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Un. Fucking. Believable.

The rest of the movie is just as foul. Meat hooks and inbred rednecks and torture and chainsaws all that you would expect from the remake of the first slasher flick. About the only things I can find to recommend about the film are the crotch gun and R. Lee Ermey. He’s like cheese – everything’s better with cheese and/or R. Lee Ermey.

I’m not a fan of Jessica Biel. I don’t know if it’s 7th Heaven or…yeah, it’s definitely 7th Heaven. Although she’s the only one who had the good sense to get out for good, any association, no matter how brief, is pure evil. That show will ultimately be responsible for the coming apocalypse. Anyone who watches that god-forsaken show is dead to me. (Except Mrs. Z, of course.) On the other hand, if they could have gotten Reverend Camden to play Leatherface, this would have truly been a film worth watching.

And no, the movie definitely is NOT based on a true story. There was never a family of killer cannibals living anywhere in Texas. No matter how many times I try to explain the Ed Gein connection, I find people (including one of my sisters) who swear up and down that it really happened. Whatever dude.


Year – 2003
Rating – NC-17
Runtime – 98 minutes
Genre – Horror Remake
Director(s) – Marcus Nispel
Writer(s) – Scott Kosar
Actor(s) – Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, Eric Balfour, Andrew Bryniarski, R. Lee Ermey
BOB Rating – Two BOBs
Favorite Quote – "You know, I have just as much respect for dead as anybody." - Sheriff Hoyt (R. Lee Ermey)