A Tale of Two Coreys

I felt dirty just watching this.

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Lifetime is already known for shitty, exploitive “biopics”, like the ones they did on Saved by the Bell and Full House. This one goes one step further into the abyss, by skipping past petty grievances and hook-ups, straight into sexual molestation and ODs. Corey Haim is show getting molested on the set of Lucas within the first five minutes of the film. The production was ultra-low budget, with whatever budget available bei g used on multiple Corey Feldman wigs. For real, that kid had a new ridiculous wig in every scene.

So. Much. Cocaine. Maybe they were going for a Less Than Zero vibe, but it was more like an Afterschool Special. I swear Sam Kinison gave them coke in one scene – no one called him Sam Kinison, but his look is pretty specific. They partied at the “Playpen” Mansion. It was so weird, but I guess they had to legally protect themselves. There were no scenes with Charlie Sheen, etc.

With Corey Feldman himself onboard as Executive Producer, most of the blame is pushed onto either his parents or Haim. I don’t doubt that both Coreys were used by EVERYONE as they sought stardom – their parents, their handlers, their hangers-on – essentially every adult they came into contact with. But films like this don’t shed any light on the situation, nor prevent it from happening in the future. I’m curious as to whether Feldman will ever get funded for his “Truth” documentary on Hollywood pedophiles. I’m expecting not, nor am I expecting any true revelations, as long as he can continue to book interviews with Dr. Oz. Sigh.

The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep watching crappy Lifetime biopics? Am I getting so close to middle age that I just can’t stop myself?

I’d like to say that I never watched Saved by the Bell when it was originally on, but as a child of the 80s, it was hard to avoid. As cartoons faded away, all there was to watch for a kid without cable was stuff like Saved by the Bell. At least I can say I never experienced a “Zack Attack”.

The film is nominally based on Screech’s autobiography, so needless to say – it’s mostly bullshit and full of sour grapes. The film is told from Screech’s point of view and makes the case that Zack secretly bleached his own hair and loved Lisa, Jessie thought she was a serious actress, Slater was drowning in pussy, and Screech was jealous of all of them. Except for Screech, the casting was HORRIBLE. It’s like they didn’t even bother watching the show before casting all these kids.

I was full of shame as I watched this…but not quite as much shame as when I watched Inside the Osmonds.

At least I didn’t fall for Lifetime’s trap and watch the Brittany Murphy biopic that tries to infer she was murdered…haven’t fallen for it YET.

  

Liz & Dick

I’m just going to pile on to the rest of the fucking planet and say that Liz & Dick was one of shittiest movies I’ve ever seen. As a rule, Lifetime movies are shit, but they’ve hit a new low with Liz & Dick.

Lindsay Lohan is bearing most of the criticism for the atrociousness perpetrated by Liz & Dick and I won’t disagree that her performance was flat, uninspired, one-note, lackluster…I could think of insulting adjectives all day. I suspect that she has never even seen an Elizabeth Taylor film. Even so, the material she had to work with was shit. Yes, she could have worked a little harder to put lipstick on that pig, but the script was horrendous. The film was inter-cut with ridiculous narrative vignettes of Liz and Dick sitting on a stage, reminiscing and explaining to the viewer what happened in the preceding scene. How stupid does the screenwriter think that the people who watch Lifetime movies are? Okay, maybe that’s a fair assumption…but the cut scenes did not work AT ALL.

At the very least, I was hoping to see LiLo in a fat suit…nope. Richard Burton spent the last half of the film calling Liz “fat”, yet there was no “fat” in sight. What a rip-off!

If my criticism sounds harsh, keep in mind just how low my standards are. I watch mostly SyFy Channel movies like Sharktopus and Pirahnaconda…and I STILL think Liz & Dick is shit.

Face of Evil

There is not SHIT on TV on Sunday mornings. That’s my story and I am sticking to it…how else can I explain sitting through an entire movie on the Lifetime Movie Network?

I wish I could say that I was hungover like my houseguest…but I wasn’t. As the designated/impregnated driver the night before, I merely woke up with tired as hell after getting about 3 hours of sleep. I did have a headache – does that count?

Tracey Gold stars as the titular “face of evil” – between her and Meredith Baxter-Birney, they’ve got the Lifetime Movie Market cornered. I missed the first 10 minutes of the film, but I figured out that she killed an art student in an airport bathroom and stole her identity. She gets on a plane with the dead body in her checked luggage. Huh? Her roommate is Shawnee Smith – she’s pretty stupid and doesn’t suspect anything…at first. Not until Tracey fucks her dad, anyway. It’s so sad that it takes actual father-fucking for her to realize that her roommate is nuts. She started to get a little suspicious after the pizza spiked with rat poison, but she really didn’t start to put the pieces together until she caught Tracey feeling up her dad, who is played by one of the guys from Riptide. Does it really matter which one? Either way, it’s gross.

The whole thing felt rather familiar from the get go. I quickly realized that it was because there is not an original thing about the film. From beginning to end, it’s a complete amalgamation of the plots of Poison Ivy and Poison Ivy II. Those are pretty crummy movies to begin with – why even bother ripping them off?

This movie made me sad to be alive.