Film: Porn

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

As soon as I heard the opening riff of “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver,” I was in love…

Kevin Smith has always had a way with picking the music for his films. I’d argue that the soundtrack for Clerks is one of the top soundtracks ever, alongside The Crow, Singles and Pulp Fiction. I may be a bit biased, as my musical tastes are still a bit stuck in the early to mid 90s, outside of my increasing fixation on Lady Gaga. In any case, I appreciate Kevin Smith taking me on a walk down Memory Lane…I almost cried tears of joy/laughter when I heard the safe sex anthem “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off” during the credits. (If you ‘relax and drink some cherry wine,’ chances are that you will end up with your clothes off anyway?) I’m gonna have to get the soundtrack to snag that and the Boba Fett song.

Anyone that knows me…or is at least a constant reader…knows how much I abhor Romantic Comedies, AKA Rom Coms. I have never seen Pretty Woman or anything starring Sandra Bullock, except Demolition Man. The problem is not that they’re unrealistic – I watch a lot of unrealistic movies. I can’t put my finger on it, they just annoy the fuck out of me. I don’t care much for Romantic Dramas either, but at least one of the leads usually dies at the end…or may even be already dead. Even with my bias, I do like it when Kevin Smith gets romantic. After Chasing Amy, the bar was set pretty high, but again, he hits the nail on the head with Zack & Miri. Even though the situation is unrealistic, their relationship and the challenges they face ring true…which is the exact opposite of most movie romances.

So Seth Rogen is all buff and hot now…somehow I don’t think his role would have played the same way if he wasn’t all fat and schlubby. I guess they could’ve cast Jonah Hill?

I am so glad that Craig Robinson is no longer The Office’s best kept secret. His comedic timing is so precise you could set the Pentagon’s Atomic Clock off it. I’m looking forward to seeing more of him on the screen.

Casting Traci Lords was a stroke of genius. Katie Morgan…meh. Her voice is annoying…then again, she’s not known for her voice. I’m glad Smith was conservative with hiring porn stars. Once you start getting Ron Jeremy or Jenna Jameson involved, you’re in camp territory.

So my best friend is obsessed with Brandon St. Randy. I totally understand. If I was a dude…a gay dude…I would want to be just like Brandon St. Randy, too.

So Smith’s next film is Red State…a horror movie…FINALLY! Details are slim, but I know it’s about crazy fundamentalists ala Fred Phelps. BRING IT ON!

  

Guys Gone Wild: All-American Jock

Imagine you’re a young dude about 19 years old and you’re down on Padre Island for Spring Break. Just how many beers would it take before you were ready to drop your drawers for a hot chick with a video camera, exposing your razor burned and rather limp genitalia for the whole world to see?

Unfortunately, this is not a question answered by Guys Gone Wild. Each of the vignettes begins with the soon-to-go-wild guy already laid out on the bed of his motel room. One wonders how many of them were actually carried into the room and physically placed on their beds due to extreme intoxication. Each one starts off with the camera girl telling them how hot they are and cajoling them into taking off their shirt. (I was surprised at the sheer amount of generic tattoos and nipple piercings – it’s as if there was a clearance sale on tribal armbands and 16 gauge barbells.) The camera girl then lies about how turned on she is and gets the guy to pull out his “monster.” When did guys start shaving their pubes? I could have saved a lot of time pulling pubic hair out of my teeth if guys had started this trend back in the early 90s. They aren’t even good at shaving it – not a one of them was free of razor burn and unsightly bumps…and one of them had his shit shaved into a tiny Hitler mustache. No shit – he had pubes like a porn star. A FEMALE porn star.

So that’s it. That the whole point of this DVD. A camera girl talks drunk guys into “going wild”…and just so we’re clear, “Going Wild” is a euphemism for shaving your balls and drunkenly jacking off the shower. While they’re “going wild,” I imagine that these young men are visualizing that scores of women will be watching the DVD and just fainting in ecstacy over their wet cum gutters. I’m willing to bet a hundred dollars American, that I am the only female in the country that owns a copy of this DVD – and that’s because it was a gag gift. This is pure gay spank material, 100%.

I’m not a prude. After nearly 350 movie reviews, you know I’m not a prude. But this is the first porn – and I hesitate to call it porn because that would imply that I was aroused at some point during my viewing – that I’ve ever watched that just made me feel dirty. It wasn’t that I thought that these boys were taken advantage of – and if they were, I wouldn’t exactly give a shit because they’re just a bunch of dumb frat boys. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m thinking that my distaste was rooted in the fact that I was basically watching children explore their bodies in a cry for attention. It felt more like kiddie porn that something adults should be watching.

Orgazmo

Written by, directed by and starring South Park co-creater Trey Parker…Oh, what a heavy burden to bear. The pressure to supply big laughs must be an almost unbearable burden by now. But probably not….

Trey Parker is a Mormon missionary in LA. He gets talked into being a porn star – because he needs the money to pay for his wedding. He doesn’t have to sin though, to do this – they will just use a ‘stunt cock.’ STUNT COCK? His sidekick, Choader Boy, is played by Little Bitch from BASEketball. He has 2 PhDs from MIT, but has become a porn star because he is…well, he’s Little Bitch. Matt Stone, the other half of South Park, plays cameraman Dave, who’s not queer or nuthin’ – but he thinks Depeche Mode is really kewl…

Ron Jeremy (troll with a big dick) is in this film. I met Ron Jeremy once. Me and Erin went to New Fine Arts to meet him. (Christy Lakes was also there and she hit on us, too.) Anyway, we made the mistake of giving him our phone numbers. He left dirty messages on our answering machines. Mostly because we were too afraid to actually pick up the phone. He wanted us to come and party with him at Eden 2000 (if you know the Dallas area, you know that Eden 2000 was the lamest teenybopper club in the Metroplex.) We didn’t answer our phones for a week after that…

Anyway, back to Orgazmo. Very, very funny, though not quite as funny as BASEketball. Really it is not fair to compare Orgazmo to BASEketball, because BASEketball is a Zucker film and an entirely different type of film. Orgazmo got screwed by the MPAA. It got a rating of NC-17, but was barely and R-rated film. You only get to see breasts ONCE in the entire film. There are a helluva lot of dildos in the film, but that is about it. Boogie Nights has a 18 inch prosthetic penis for Markie Mark and gets an R rating. A couple dildos and Orgazmo gets NC-17…I don’t get it.