Guys Gone Wild: All-American Jock

March 1, 2007

Imagine you’re a young dude about 19 years old and you’re down on Padre Island for Spring Break. Just how many beers would it take before you were ready to drop your drawers for a hot chick with a video camera, exposing your razor burned and rather limp genitalia for the whole world to see?

Unfortunately, this is not a question answered by Guys Gone Wild. Each of the vignettes begins with the soon-to-go-wild guy already laid out on the bed of his motel room. One wonders how many of them were actually carried into the room and physically placed on their beds due to extreme intoxication. Each one starts off with the camera girl telling them how hot they are and cajoling them into taking off their shirt. (I was surprised at the sheer amount of generic tattoos and nipple piercings – it’s as if there was a clearance sale on tribal armbands and 16 gauge barbells.) The camera girl then lies about how turned on she is and gets the guy to pull out his “monster.” When did guys start shaving their pubes? I could have saved a lot of time pulling pubic hair out of my teeth if guys had started this trend back in the early 90s. They aren’t even good at shaving it – not a one of them was free of razor burn and unsightly bumps…and one of them had his shit shaved into a tiny Hitler mustache. No shit – he had pubes like a porn star. A FEMALE porn star.

So that’s it. That the whole point of this DVD. A camera girl talks drunk guys into “going wild”…and just so we’re clear, “Going Wild” is a euphemism for shaving your balls and drunkenly jacking off the shower. While they’re “going wild,” I imagine that these young men are visualizing that scores of women will be watching the DVD and just fainting in ecstacy over their wet cum gutters. I’m willing to bet a hundred dollars American, that I am the only female in the country that owns a copy of this DVD – and that’s because it was a gag gift. This is pure gay spank material, 100%.

I’m not a prude. After nearly 350 movie reviews, you know I’m not a prude. But this is the first porn – and I hesitate to call it porn because that would imply that I was aroused at some point during my viewing – that I’ve ever watched that just made me feel dirty. It wasn’t that I thought that these boys were taken advantage of – and if they were, I wouldn’t exactly give a shit because they’re just a bunch of dumb frat boys. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m thinking that my distaste was rooted in the fact that I was basically watching children explore their bodies in a cry for attention. It felt more like kiddie porn that something adults should be watching.