Ant-Man and the Wasp

 

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Thanks to my kids’ Netflix account, we all finally got to watch Ant-Man and the Wasp. You heard me right – my kids mutinied and set up their own Netflix account for the summer. (I canceled my account when we moved out to the Double D Ranch, land of 1.5mbps internet.) It is a testament to their character and financial acumen that they were able to agree to each contribute $4/month to share an account, all without any involvement of my husband or I. The best part – if they ever start fighting about it, I can just throw up my hands and walk away. My son may have made a great mistake though – Netflix has ALL the Buddies movies – and my daughter LOVES them. It’s gonna be a rough summer for him…

Oh, and about Ant-Man and the Wasp…the story picks up a bit after Civil War, near the end of Scott Lang’s house arrest. Although I knew that the story centered on finding Janet Van Dyne, I had somehow managed to avoid any other spoilers (other than the obvious Endgame tie-ins). The film was a fun ride with a lot of unexpected gifts.

My favorite gift? Luis’ grandma’s jukebox that only played Morrisey songs. I feel like she’s a woman I could relate to. In fact, everything having to do with Luis is a gift. I hope he gets his suit, powers or not.

Walton Goggins was another gift. Unfortunately, I always get him confused with Simon Ogg (The Walking Dead), who is coincidentally also a gift.

Baba Yaga. Gift.

Randall Park (also a gift) gets to be in the DCEU AND the MCU! No fair!

PS, I hate magic tricks, especially sleight of hand, but Scott Lang’s card tricks were also a gift.

I was not in love with the ending – the “laying of hands” part got big eye-rolls from me. The word “quantum” itself became a deus ex machina in Endgame, but it I guess I’m not smart enough to understand what “quantum powers” are. I’ve even seen every episode of The Big Bang Theory and I STILL don’t get it. I guess I’m just dumb.

Looking forward to the next Ant-Man installment. Will Cassie get a chance to be his partner?

Ratpocalypse

 

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What kind of drug-fueled bender led to the making of this film?

Casper Van Dien, late of Starship Troopers plus a hundred hack SyFy films, stars as a US Senator traveling to Russia to speak to their Parliament. He freaks out during his televised address and warns the corrupt politicians that they will all turn into rats…yeah, everyone is laughing until they start turning into CGI rats. It’s not so funny now, is it?

First off, the plot was bonkers. It wasn’t that it didn’t make sense – it was clearly trying to be an allegory of our corrupt political system. The problem is that if every corrupt politician turned into a rat tomorrow, there wouldn’t be riots…there would be PARADES. Literally NO ONE would give a shit. Second, the story doesn’t conclude – the film just…ends. It’s like the filmmaker saw Easy Rider and was like YEAH! That’s not how that works, that’s not how ANY of this works.

I love “so bad, it’s good” movies – they’re my favorite. Sadly, Ratpocalypse is just BAD. I do not recommend.

Passengers

 

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Good god, this film was annoying. Even days later, I am annoyed by this film.

It was just so cliche – the whole ‘I love you/conflict/I hate you/conflict/I love you again’ structure is so tiresome and predictable. I was able to predict each beat of the film minutes before it happened. Also, the film would’ve been more compelling if the stars weren’t so conventionally “hot”. I know, I know – no one wants to see ugly people fuck, but imagine if the film was recast with more normal looking actors…OR if there was a wide gulf between the two. Imagine someone like Seth Rogen or Josh Gad trying to make Jennifer Lawrence fall in love with him – THAT’S a movie.

Michael Sheen as the AI Bartender was the one bright spot in the film. I still cannot tell if he was a malicious AI, or merely lacking in social awareness.

So, am I the only one disappointed that the film didn’t go into full on Shining territory? I feel like the beginning was boring, but that there was potential for some really great psychological exploration in the middle…but then the explosions started and it was just another SciFi movie. Blech, boring.

Re-Animator

 

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Re-Animator was another film featured in Eli Roth’s History of Horror, so of course, my kids had to see it. On top of that, there’ll be a Re-Animator reunion at Texas Frightmare Weekend this year, with Jeffrey Combs, Bruce Abbott and Barbara Crampton in attendance. Since I already met Jeffrey Combs at one of his appearances years ago, I’ll probably skip his line this year – but I think it gives the kids a thrill to just walk by these actors and recognize them from their works.

Loosely based on a H.P. Lovecraft story that I’ve never read, Re-Animator is the tale of Dr. Herbert West and his quest to reanimate the dead. It’s not hyperbole to say that Herbert West is Jeffrey Combs’ most iconic role and the one he’s most known for. His frantic, erratic energy is contagious. As Lily said, “Ugh, he’s just as weird as he was in The Frighteners.” She did not like him at all. Probably because of Rufus…

I’d forgotten about how creepy and rapey Dr. Hill was – I think he scared the kids more than Herbert West! I also forgot about his, um…lick rape? Is that what you call it? We were all rooting for his comeuppance.

More than 30 years later, Re-Animator is still a suspenseful thrill ride, filled with gallons and gallons of blood. Good thing there are some sequels I can find for the kids!

6-Headed Shark Attack

 

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How many heads could a 6-headed shark give, if a head-giving 6-headed shark could give head?

The set-up to the shark feeding frenzy is ridiculously frustrating. A bunch of couples are stranded on a desert island in Baja, in order to take part in Survivor-style Couples Therapy. If I wanted to watch a bunch of dysfunctional couples arguing, I’d just wait until the holidays. Every single one of them is an asshole – who cares if the 6-headed shark eats them?

I do not understand the dynamics of the 6-headed shark. Unlike the 5-headed shark, all of the heads are up front – no butthole heads on this shark. The 6-headed shark looks like Patrick Star with an erection. Also, when angered, the 6-headed shark may bite off one of his own heads. I don’t even fucking know anymore, guys.

I will never unsee the sight of that dipshit 6-headed shark walking like a crab, on the tips of 4 of its shark-noses. Why? Does The Asylum even science?

The Asylum does NOT science, as evidenced by the ending. I feel like it was supposed to be an homage to the ending of the original Jaws, with the oxygen tanks and flare gun. Don’t they know that the Mythbusters already debunked that???

The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time

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I don’t care what they call that damn movie, I really doubt it’s the last one. (Are you sensing a certain cynicality in me, when it comes to franchises? You’re goddamn right you are!)

As the last film ended, everyone on the planet was dead I think, except Fin. His son showed up with a time machine…and that’s right where Sharknado 6 picked up. Fin ended up in the Jurassic period and oh look! There’s Tara Reid riding a Pterodactyl. Or was it a “Tara-dactyl”?

As the shark-fighting team travels through history fighting Sharknados, they also travel from continent to continent. Not sure where they started in Dinosaur-land, but they make appearances at King Arthur’s Court (Excalibur was really a chainsaw), the American Revolution, wherever Billy the Kid was hanging out at, then San Francisco in 1996, and then…the far off future full of Tara Reid Clones wearing tinfoil hats. We truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I don’t mean that in a delightful way.

The cameos were fast and furious this go-round. And weird…very, very weird. Alaska Thunderfuck as Morgana (le Fey?); Deanna Troi; Neil deGrasse Tyson as Merlin; The Offspring (the band), literally telling the American Revolution Cavalry to “Come out and play”; Leslie Jordan as Benjamin Franklin; Darrell Hammond as George Washington (but doing his Bill Clinton impression…so weird); Ben Stein as Alexander Hamilton; Dee Snyder; Murr from Impractical Jokers; Gilbert Gottfried (again); Tori Spelling and her gross cheating/anal sex-obsessed husband as Fin’s parents; Peter Brady as Nova’s grandfather; Doc from The Love Boat; LaToya Jackson as Cleopatra; James Hong as Confucius; and Al Roker (also again).

I take it back, this really has to be the last one. There’s no where else to go, right? RIGHT?

Princess of Mars

I doubt that this is the first time that Traci Lords has sprayed someone with her piss on film.

It was a cheap shot, I’m sorry Traci. After reading her autobiography, I actually kind of like her…although that’s not the main reason I subjected myself to watching her drool over Antonio Sabato Jr. while dressed as Princess Leia (sans cinnamon buns) in Princess of Mars. I wanted to be the one drooling over Antonio Sabato Jr.

I put up with a lot to admire the often shirtless Antonio. I even watched his reality dating show, My Antonio…he’s a lot easier on the eyes than Flavor Flav or Bret Michaels, that’s for sure. I was not disappointed -Antonio spent the majority of his time as John Carter very shirtless and glistening. John Carter…that name sounds familiar….maybe because it’s the name of a film coming out next year. Yes, The Asylum has beat Hollywood by 3 whole years this time! I had no idea that either film was related to Edgar Rice Burroughs’ stories – I figured they were just more Avatar type planetary travel/alien love story nonsense.

I was confused for a bit until I figured out that the Princess of Mars is living on a different Mars than the one in my solar system. Or maybe I was confused because I wasn’t really paying very much attention to the “plot.” I was confused enough by the scenes in Afghanistan, which coincidentally looks alot like Mars, which coincidentally, looks a lot like where the crocosaurus came from.

The movie gets one BOB for Antonio Sabato Jr., because he looks hot – even drenched in Traci Lords’ urine. The movie itself would have gotten zero if he wasn’t starring. I’m guessing there’ll be a sequel, since the ending left it wide open and John Carter comes out in 2012.

 

Sharktopus

Sharktopus fucking tried to eat me!

Sharktopus is not picky.

Sharktopus will eat sharks, old boat painters, bungee jumpers, surfer dudes, Volkswagens…Sharktopus is nasty! Sharktopus just doesn’t give a fuck.

Sharktopus escapes from a Navy funded super-secret genetic lab in Long Beach. Sharktopus wants a fucking vacation, so Sharktopus heads to Puerto Vallarta. Crazy, nasty ass Sharktopus wants some Mexican food.

Sharktopus will walk on land, Sharktopus don’t care. Sharktopus WILL eat your whole fucking boat. Thanks for the meal, stupid.

Sharktopus says Eric Roberts looked fucking high as a kite. “I’m not fucking eating that,” says Sharktopus. (Sharktopus must have been made before his stint on Celebrity Rehab.)

Sharktopus even has its own fucking theme song! Sharktopus will be back, nothing stops the crazy, nasty-ass Sharktopus.

Mega Piranha

I should’ve known that between The Soup and Web Soup, I’d already seen all the good parts of this film.

Speaking of one the best parts, the part when the piranha ass-kicker shoots a helicopter pilot in the face with a flare gun, oh yeah while the guy is FLYING the helicopter he’s in…I managed to allow my five year old son to watch that scene, because I was folding laundry and not paying attention. All he said was, “Did it hurt?” I am gonna win a parent of the year trophy, I know it!

Tiffany…remember her, from the 80s…is the pop culture cred star of the film. I’m not sure if this is a step up or down from Celebrity Fat Club, but it’s at least a paying job for her. I was always in the Tiffany camp, while my sister was firmly in the Debbie Gibson camp. In the end, they both ended up on the SyFy channel, there are no winners here. Tiffany plays a scientist that accidentally creates mutant piranhas that double in size every few hours. They can also breathe air, live in both fresh water and salt water, FUCKING FLY and grow several extra organs. She has no idea how this happened. Did I mention they can also withstand a 26 megaton nuclear blast, eat submarines, helicopters and hotels…plus, they are hermaphrodites. SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW THIS HAPPENED. She can also power a helicopter with an oxygen tank.

In addition to Tiffany, Barry Williams and his weird toupee are onboard for laughs. If his character is named ‘Bob Grady,’ then why isn’t Tiffany’s character named ‘Fittany’?

I knew I recognized the main piranha ass-kicker, Paul Logan – he was in the old flophouse favorite, Night Calls, Part 2! He’s also in a film called Aliens on Crack, which I must see soon.

I’ve known about The Asylum for a while, but this is actually the first one of their films that I’ve sat down to watch. I’ve got to give them credit for picking up right where Roger Corman left off – they are excellent at beating Hollywood to market. What they lack in production values, plot and starpower, they make up for with the sheer BALLS to keep churning out shitty copies of blockbuster films. You know what? They’ve got something going for them. I wasted two hours of my life watching Mega Piranha, but I still haven’t seen Avatar yet. Suck it, Hollywood.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Meh.

I guess I’m just not dorky enough to “get” The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I “get” British comedy, I don’t think that’s the problem. I like The Office, Monty Python and Ab Fab. I even laugh at Benny Hill. I think that I must have a fundamental issue with British Sci Fi. I cannot stand Dr. Who and Red Dwarf just bores me to tears. It’s all so pretentious – don’t get me wrong, ALL Sci Fi is pretentious on some level, but British Sci Fi is like adding insult to injury. They insist on making everything so…cute. Dolphins…cute. Mice…cute. Towels…cute.

Martin Freeman played the bland everyman to a tee. He’s a bit typecast right now, I’m watching his next move. I was also not surprised by Sam Rockwell – he’s good in everything. Mos Def’s performance was most definitely a big surprise. I’m used to him being hilarious on Chappelle’s Show, but he’s popping up in more and more movies. I think he’s got a shot at shrugging off the “rapper slash actor” label and becoming known as an “actor.”

John Malkovich was criminally underused. He was only in the film for like 5 minutes, if that. More Malkovich would have meant less boredom.

Even though he was voiced by Alan Rickman, it was really Warwick Davis inside Marvin, the Paranoid Android. Davis must have a total lockdown on all big budget movies that require a little person. He better watch his back, Deep Roy is gaining fast.

At least now I know the origin of all the little Hitchhiker’s Guide references that I’ve been hearing for years. I never found it particularly funny when someone answered “42” as a response to a serious question. After watching the movie, it’s even less so. I’m a big fan of Babelfish. I use it all the time, most recently to translate the lyrics to Lady Marmalade. Paranoid Android is no longer just a Radiohead song and Trillian isn’t just a messaging program.

This movie gave me a headache that did not go away until the middle of the next day. Watch at your own risk.