September 4, 2011

I doubt that this is the first time that Traci Lords has sprayed someone with her piss on film.

It was a cheap shot, I’m sorry Traci. After reading her autobiography, I actually kind of like her…although that’s not the main reason I subjected myself to watching her drool over Antonio Sabato Jr. while dressed as Princess Leia (sans cinnamon buns) in Princess of Mars. I wanted to be the one drooling over Antonio Sabato Jr.

I put up with a lot to admire the often shirtless Antonio. I even watched his reality dating show, My Antonio…he’s a lot easier on the eyes than Flavor Flav or Bret Michaels, that’s for sure. I was not disappointed -Antonio spent the majority of his time as John Carter very shirtless and glistening. John Carter…that name sounds familiar….maybe because it’s the name of a film coming out next year. Yes, The Asylum has beat Hollywood by 3 whole years this time! I had no idea that either film was related to Edgar Rice Burroughs’ stories – I figured they were just more Avatar type planetary travel/alien love story nonsense.

I was confused for a bit until I figured out that the Princess of Mars is living on a different Mars than the one in my solar system. Or maybe I was confused because I wasn’t really paying very much attention to the “plot.” I was confused enough by the scenes in Afghanistan, which coincidentally looks alot like Mars, which coincidentally, looks a lot like where the crocosaurus came from.

The movie gets one BOB for Antonio Sabato Jr., because he looks hot – even drenched in Traci Lords’ urine. The movie itself would have gotten zero if he wasn’t starring. I’m guessing there’ll be a sequel, since the ending left it wide open and John Carter comes out in 2012.


Year – 2009
Rating –
Runtime – 93 minutes
Genre – Sy Fy?
Director(s) – Mark Atkins
Writer(s) – Edgar Rice Burroughs, Mark Atkins
Actor(s) – Antonio Sabato Jr., Traci Lords, Matt Lasky, Chacko Vadaketh, Mitchell Gordon
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "That was her piss jar!" - Tars Tarkas (Matt Lasky)