Ninja Cheerleaders

77 minutes of my life that I will never get back again.

That’s right, this piece of shit runs a mercifully short 77 minutes, plus 5-6 minutes of slow running credits. It’s even shorter when you account for 10 second montages of ninja swords, boobs and pom poms between each scene. Actually, those headless boob montages are the only boobs you see in the whole film. Even though the titular Ninja Cheerleaders are also Strippers, they never get naked because they assert that they are “Go Go Dancers.” In fact, they are supposed to be so hot that they manage to win a $50,000 Stripping Contest without actually stripping. What. The. Fuck.

Mr. Sulu plays the girls’ Sensei/Strip Club Boss. He is obviously looking out for the girls’ best interests by putting his best students to work non-stripping so that they can all go to an Ivy League School. (They’re not in High School, though – they’re in condemned looking Junior College and I guess cheerleading for a Junior College Basketball team – Huh?) Eddie (sans The Cruisers) portrays the evil mob boss that kidnaps Mr. Sulu. He’s aged so badly that I didn’t even recognize him.

One of the Ninja Cheerleader Non-Stripping Go Go Dancers is portrayed by Trishelle Cannatella, skank of numerous reality shows. She is best remembered for letting Andy Dick slobber all over her and touch her naughty bits during her stint on The Surreal Life. She doesn’t have an issue getting naked on reality shows, but won’t get naked on a straight to cable movie. Maybe the other actresses objected on the grounds of disease control? Sexual contact with Andy Dick doesn’t leave a girl untainted.

The film is basically a blatant rip-off of Charlie’s Angels. Don’t waste your time on it. Unlike Zombie Strippers, the genius title just doesn’t deliver the goods. Also, please don’t confuse Ninja Cheerleaders with Cheerleader Ninjas (2002), because Cheerleader Ninjas is about an internet porn ring and costs 99 cents more on Amazon.

Play-Mate of the Apes

Get your damn paws off me, you damn dirty dyke!

That’s what I would have said if I was in this movie. Very disappointing for late night Skinemax – well, I would have been disappointed if I could stop laughing.

Three lesbian astronauts crashland on the Planet of the Apes, during rug-munching, of course. The Captain looks like a 13 year old prostitute and her two lieutenants are even scarier – a Russian chick with a glitter and blue fingernails and an even scarier skank with a bitched boob job and enough collagen in her lips to float an intertube. Serioosly, her lips looked like a duck’s bill. Anyway, they crash and eat more carpet until they are found by the Apes. They’re taken hostage, where they mingle bodily fluid with other human female captives.

Dr. Cornholeous and Dr. Queerus (a huge pink gay Orangutan) are convinced that humans are equal in intelligence to Apes. Their adversary, Captain Laid, think that humans are soul-less…because they have no soul. As in, they can’t dance! And then the musical numbers start…

I am NOT making this up! Seriously, I couldn’t make up anything this bizarre. There was no human ape action. That’s just wrong. The only reason I sat through it was for some bestiality! If that wasn’t bad enough, all the sex scenes were lesbian. Nothing against lesbians, but I like a little man ass in my Skinemax. The lesbian scenes were sub-standard anyway. All they did was lick each other’s thighs – they were no where near a vagina at any point in the whole movie!

I could tell you the ending, but that would just ruin it for you. Aw hell, you’ll never watch it anyway. After an uprising, then peacemaking and the Missing Link Rap – yes, I said RAP – the lesbians escape the Planet of the Apes…and crash-land on the Planet of the Chickens. So that means a sequel is WIDE open.

Night Calls: The Movie, Part 2

This is the movie with the wacky fun noodle horse.

No shit, a wacky fun noodle horse just randomly prances through the scene occasionally. I don’t know why. I do not understand at all. It actually freaked me out the first time I saw it.

This is is typical Skinemax soft core porn. It does show more than any of the other ones I have seen though. You get to actually see Juli Ashton’s Beaver and Bunghole. Not that her beaver is overly exciting, but I have never seen one on cable before. Juli Ashton is in Orgazmo, though don’t let that insinuate in any way that she can act. None of them can act. I was amused by the monk with the very large schlong though. His schlong doubled as a compass throughout the film. Neato!

Back to the horse…2 days after I saw it the first time, I was walking through WalMart and Lo and Behold, there it was. WalMart had wacky fun noodle horses. I figured someone made it specially for the movie. Of course I bought one. My wacky fun noodle horse has had many adventures. My friend Lisa and I took many romantic pictures with it. Wacky fun noodle horse has been to many parties and has been between many people’s legs. I am not sure why, but guys like to put it between their legs. Ego? Wacky fun noodle horse has also been down someone’s pants, but I will keep his identity a secret, so that he has some dignity left.