August 9, 2003
August 9, 2003
Get your damn paws off me, you damn dirty dyke!
That’s what I would have said if I was in this movie. Very disappointing for late night Skinemax – well, I would have been disappointed if I could stop laughing.
Three lesbian astronauts crashland on the Planet of the Apes, during rug-munching, of course. The Captain looks like a 13 year old prostitute and her two lieutenants are even scarier – a Russian chick with a glitter and blue fingernails and an even scarier skank with a bitched boob job and enough collagen in her lips to float an intertube. Serioosly, her lips looked like a duck’s bill. Anyway, they crash and eat more carpet until they are found by the Apes. They’re taken hostage, where they mingle bodily fluid with other human female captives.
Dr. Cornholeous and Dr. Queerus (a huge pink gay Orangutan) are convinced that humans are equal in intelligence to Apes. Their adversary, Captain Laid, think that humans are soul-less…because they have no soul. As in, they can’t dance! And then the musical numbers start…
I am NOT making this up! Seriously, I couldn’t make up anything this bizarre. There was no human ape action. That’s just wrong. The only reason I sat through it was for some bestiality! If that wasn’t bad enough, all the sex scenes were lesbian. Nothing against lesbians, but I like a little man ass in my Skinemax. The lesbian scenes were sub-standard anyway. All they did was lick each other’s thighs – they were no where near a vagina at any point in the whole movie!
I could tell you the ending, but that would just ruin it for you. Aw hell, you’ll never watch it anyway. After an uprising, then peacemaking and the Missing Link Rap – yes, I said RAP – the lesbians escape the Planet of the Apes…and crash-land on the Planet of the Chickens. So that means a sequel is WIDE open.
Rating – UR
Runtime – 89 minutes
Genre – Skinemax
Director(s) – John Bacchus
Writer(s) – John Bacchus
Actor(s) – Misty Mundae, Darian Caine, Debbie Rochon, Anoushka, Sharon Engert
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "I may be a lesbian, but I'm not into that inter-species stuff!" - Commander Gaylor (Misty Mundae)