Magic Mike

Unless they were swinging their trouser snakes around, this movie was utterly boring.

Actually, the trouser snake slinging wasn’t all that exciting either. I guess we’re old ladies now, but there used to be a time when trouser snake slinging was exciting. Back when we were 18, our moms took my BFF and I to La Bare. We thought we were HOT SHIT. We were young and naive and gleefully shoving our allowance dollars into their banana hammocks. We had even written our phone numbers on the bills, because we were such hot shit. Imagine my mother’s surprise when I got a phone call a few days later. She was PISSED after taking a message from some stripper who admitted he got the number off a dollar bill…

Not enough Big Dick Richie. Not enough DICK in general – just one likely prosthetic peen in a penis pump. A good amount of jiggling buns and oiled up pecs. Lots of boobies.

I gagged every time that Tarzan was onscreen. He looked like Mickey Rourke in Iron Man 2. Blech.

I was confused by the end of the movie. It just fucking ended like they ran out of film. It felt like blue balls – the film was working towards some kind of resolution, but nothing was resolved. Like my BFF said, Magic Mike is basically Boogie Nights with Male Strippers instead of Porn Stars. Male Strippers can’t get Small Business loans and get sucked into bad drug deals. Wahhhhhhhh.

  

Bad Grandpa

I only hesitate to crown Bad Grandpa the funniest film of 2013 because Anchorman 2 hasn’t come out yet and judging from the trailer, I’ll be sharting myself laughing.

Not that I shouldn’t have worn Depends to see Bad Grandpa – it would’ve been a good idea. Better safe than sharty, I always say. (Although now that I think about it, it’s likely that our pre-movie sushi stop may have caused that sharty feeling – not the hysterical laughter.) Nevertheless, I had better bowel control than poor Irving…and now I’ve said too much. Is it a spoiler to mention that one of the Jackass movies contains sharting? I say no – that’s like saying that a Twilight movie contains meaningful staring…it’s a foregone conclusion.

I didn’t realize it before I saw it, but Bad Grandpa is really Jackass 4…except instead of all the guys from the show doing stunts, it’s just Johnny Knoxville’s dirty old man character, Irving Zissman, doing stunts. I am inclined to describe each and every stunt in detail, but that would take the fun out of watching them unfold. I will say that although the trailer included the very best stunt – the Cherry Pie scene – you might find yourself assuming that a cross-dressing 9 year old stripper is the most offensive thing that Knoxville had to offer…and you would be wrong. So, so wrong.

Bad Grandpa is structured like Borat. The plot is loosely held together by a string of uncomfortable Candid Camera/Punk’d scenes, played out on an unsuspecting public. It’s telling that the scenes take place while traveling from Nebraska to North Carolina – the boring middle part of America. I’m not saying that the people in those states are stupid, but maybe just less likely to get violent. Imagine a film documenting a trip from Texas to Florida – Knoxville wouldn’t have made it halfway across Texas without losing a few teeth, getting shot or both. And Florida…don’t get me started on those crazy fucks down in Florida.

Please, please, PLEASE go see Bad Grandpa…but don’t forget to wear a diaper.

 

Zombies Vs. Strippers

We had a difficult decision tonight…Zombies Vs. Strippers or The Tale of the Voodoo Prostitute. I know…how on earth did we choose?

Zombies Vs. Strippers is about a zombie invasion in a strip club, not to be confused with Zombie Strippers, a movie in which the strippers are actual zombies. Other than that, the films are pretty similar…titties and zombies, zombies and titties.

I didn’t realize it until after we had finished watching it, but the film is actually kind of Tarantino-esque. I don’t mean the fact that it takes place in a Tiki-themed strip club called the Tough Titty, as much as the tone and the way characters interact. Besides the violence, all of stripper music was Surf Rock, although I was POSITIVE that all strippers danced to ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me.’ (Just goes to show how long it has been since I’ve been in a titty bar.) In addition, one of the characters was a born again biker named Red Wings (yes, it means EXACTLY what you think it means) and he was spouting religious nonsense. The black stripper was basically an amalgamation of every Pam Greer character from the 70s. There were multiple Mexican Standoffs…and really, who can see a Mexican Standoff without thinking Tarantino?

Zombies are almost to the point of overdone right now, so I get REALLY excited when I see something new when it comes to zombies. Zombies Vs. Strippers did show me something new…zombies actually eating each other while having sex. Not eating like 69, but actually biting pieces of flesh off of each other. It was pretty damn funny.

It was mercifully short at 75 minutes, short even for a Full Moon picture. There were funny moments, but the beginning was painfully slow. I do recommend the film though, even if it’s just for the dancing Michael Jackson zombie.


The Boondock Saints

I was riveted before the credits started. Fucking shit, how did I not see this when it came out? Or at least any time in the last 12 years?

Now I understand the long line to see Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flanery at Texas Frightmare Weekend. I was pretty sure it wasn’t because of Blade II or Mongolian Death Worm, but I didn’t fully understand until I saw the film. They were like modern day superheroes, taking out the mob in the name of the lord. I questioned their inclusion in a Horror Convention, but truth be told, the body count was higher than most horror movies. I stopped counting at 30…

Sean Patrick Flanery *would* have been dead fucking sexy if I hadn’t shared an elevator with him at Frightmare. He’s not freakishly short or Tom Cruise tiny, but he is a small, thin man. Also, no neck tattoo in real life…

Every single person in the film smokes. This film should have a Surgeon General’s Warning, because it is dangerous to my health.

I could have used subtitles…I know I missed half of what the McManus Brothers were saying…dirty Irish mumblers.

Ron fucking Jeremy! And Jeanna Fine! Erin and I LOVE her! She is the star of our favorite porn scene EVER…the one in the barn…you know the one…

“I can’t believe that just fucking happened!” Do I need to start a new list for Pussy Trauma?

Willem Dafoe…I have no words for his performance. He kept surprising me, over and over and over again. I can’t say more, can’t spoil any of his surprises…

So there’s a sequel that came out within the last few years…it’s on the DVR, waiting for me. It

 

Ninja Cheerleaders

77 minutes of my life that I will never get back again.

That’s right, this piece of shit runs a mercifully short 77 minutes, plus 5-6 minutes of slow running credits. It’s even shorter when you account for 10 second montages of ninja swords, boobs and pom poms between each scene. Actually, those headless boob montages are the only boobs you see in the whole film. Even though the titular Ninja Cheerleaders are also Strippers, they never get naked because they assert that they are “Go Go Dancers.” In fact, they are supposed to be so hot that they manage to win a $50,000 Stripping Contest without actually stripping. What. The. Fuck.

Mr. Sulu plays the girls’ Sensei/Strip Club Boss. He is obviously looking out for the girls’ best interests by putting his best students to work non-stripping so that they can all go to an Ivy League School. (They’re not in High School, though – they’re in condemned looking Junior College and I guess cheerleading for a Junior College Basketball team – Huh?) Eddie (sans The Cruisers) portrays the evil mob boss that kidnaps Mr. Sulu. He’s aged so badly that I didn’t even recognize him.

One of the Ninja Cheerleader Non-Stripping Go Go Dancers is portrayed by Trishelle Cannatella, skank of numerous reality shows. She is best remembered for letting Andy Dick slobber all over her and touch her naughty bits during her stint on The Surreal Life. She doesn’t have an issue getting naked on reality shows, but won’t get naked on a straight to cable movie. Maybe the other actresses objected on the grounds of disease control? Sexual contact with Andy Dick doesn’t leave a girl untainted.

The film is basically a blatant rip-off of Charlie’s Angels. Don’t waste your time on it. Unlike Zombie Strippers, the genius title just doesn’t deliver the goods. Also, please don’t confuse Ninja Cheerleaders with Cheerleader Ninjas (2002), because Cheerleader Ninjas is about an internet porn ring and costs 99 cents more on Amazon.

Zombie Strippers!

They really didn’t need to do a lot to make Jenna Jameson look like a zombie, did they?

Jenna Jameson stars as one of the titular stripper zombies. She becomes zombified after being attacked mid-dance by an infected soldier with a weapons grade virus. Maybe weapons grade isn’t the right term – the virus was designed by the military to use on our own soldiers so they could keep on fighting after death. The virus is a little sensitive – it remains pure in females – Jenna is still able to strip and read Nietzsche after becoming a zombie. However, when passed through a male, the virus mutates and the zombies go berserk. Let me be clear – the literary stripper zombies still eat people, they just ramble on about existentialism after they do it.

Existentialism is an underlying theme in Zombie Strippers. Jenna quotes Nietzsche to the other strippers…poorly. The strip club is located in Sartre, Nebraska – how cute. There are also several very boring scenes of strippers having existentialist conversations on whether to become zombies or not. The scenes would actually be better satire without the existentialist overtones – an honest assessment of whether decay is worth stripping glory would have been much funnier.

I felt kind of gypped watching Zombie Strippers on SpikeTV. Notwithstanding the blurring of Jenna’s boobtacular appendages, I can only stand people calling each other “snothead” for so long. Speaking of blurry appendages – Jenna was the only one that got topless anyway, except the redhead with pasties, which wasn’t blurred anyway. How hard is it to find bimbos willing to go topless in a horror flick? What the fuck? At least they didn’t cut out the ping-pong ball/billiard ball scene. Zombie Jenna performs the same trick that Winona Ryder performed in this film…

Robert Englund is the only other well known star in Zombie Strippers – he’s carved out a nice little niche for himself, starring in B Horror Movies. (Now that he’s been replaced in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, what else is he going to do?) I liked his role here, as the germophobic strip club owner, better than the last one I saw him in, the cannibalistic patriarch in 2001 Maniacs. Maybe it’s because the Zombie Strippers get him in most unpleasant way I have EVER seen in a zombie flick – and I have seen a LOT of zombie flicks. I’m not going to ruin it for you, it must be experienced first hand. (I will say that I’m SO glad that this film wasn’t made in Smell-O-Vision.)

Yes, they definitely left it open for a sequel. Let’s see this zombie sex worker thing go in a different direction. How about Zombie Massage Parlor? “Every massage comes with a not-so-happy ending!” Or how about they take the virus to Amsterdam for Zombie Red Light District? Or keep it local with the Zombie Chicken Ranch? Damnit, Zombies + Chickens has already been done before!

 

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

I’ve finally seen John Waters’ favorite movie. I can totally see why this film is his favorite – the cars, the sex, the violence – sure. But what about the big hair, bullet bras and lesbians?

Three lesbian Go-Go Dancers (Are they called Go-Go Dancers because their patrons chant “Go, Go, Go!” at them?) run into a guy and girl out in the desert. After a fierce race, the girls’ leader, Varla, kills the guy with her bare hands (impressive) and takes the girl hostage. While on the run, they come upon a situation that will net them money, sex and violence (not to mention fried chicken) – how could they pass it up?

After watching The Incredibly Strange Creatures or Who Gives a Fuck!!?, my expectations were pretty low. Both are black and white low budget cult films that came out around the same time – 1964/1965, so I was expecting more of the same. I was pleasantly surprised at the quality of Meyer’s work. Beautiful cinematography and artfully framed shots. Film stock that wasn’t shoplifted from Sears. A plot that made a little bit of sense. Sexual innuendoes involving trains. This is Film School stuff – why didn’t Paul ever teach us about films like this?

How disappointing is it that there is absolutely no nudity at all in the whole film? I’m pretty sure that this is the only Russ Meyer film with no nudity! Actually, it’s probably a good thing…I would recount the “60s floppy titties” discussion that I had with my husband, but then he would probably get mad at me and not talk to me for a week.

This movie is a pop culture phenomenon – songs have been written about the film, dialogue sampled in lots of songs (like Thunder Kiss ’65) and even has a crap 80s metal band named after it. It’s probably a good thing that I didn’t see this film back in college when I was dumb and impressionable. I probably would have been dressing like Varla, instead of Mrs. Mia Wallace.

 

Sin City

In the past couple of years, I’ve reviewed many comic books movies – the great, the mediocre, the bad, the craptacular and the almost completely unwatchable. But in all of these cases, never once have I been interested enough to investigate the source material. Until Sin City, that is.

Yup, I borrowed Sin City from a friend and am in the process of reading them right now. I won’t belabor the obvious and point out how closely the film follows the comic – oh wait, I just did. Oops. Of course, some deviation occurred. For instance, instead of solely sticking with black and white – bright bits of color made a statement that plain old black and white never could. So yeah, the visually stunning comic book makes an even more visually stunning film. Now here’s the part of the review where most reviewers compare Sin City to the similarly green screened Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. But see, I would actually have to sit through that tardalicious movie in order to make that comparison. And that just isn’t very likely. I love my readers – but not THAT much. Sorry.

Even though my irritation with Jessica Alba is well documented, she wasn’t the most irritating actress in Sin City. That honor far and away belongs to Brittany Murphy. I shouldn’t even be calling her an actress, should I? Anyone who can be out-acted by Eminem doesn’t really qualify as an actress, does she? Murphy also happened to be afflicted with the worst of the “noir talk” – one of my personal movie pet peeves. “Noir talk” makes me grind my teeth and roll my eyes – and Murphy’s line delivery was just twee enough to make me consider knocking a BOB off the rating of this film. Seriously, the dialogue in the film tended to get on my nerves when delivered by sub-par acting (Jessica Alba, Brittany Murphy, Alexis Bledel), but I didn’t notice it all when delivered along with talented acting (Benicio Del Toro, Rutger Hauer, Carla Gugino – or was I just blinded by her boobs?)

I will never be able to look at Frodo the same again. I am going to have nightmares about him eating Samwise Gamgee’s fingers…AND MAKING HIM WATCH! I should hope that Frodo no longer has any kind of problem with typecasting…but if I’m still calling him Frodo, those typecasting problems may be sticking around a good while longer.

So this is supposed to be Mickey Rourke’s big comeback role? His Pulp Fiction, if you will. There are those that would argue that Mickey Rourke never left, and so is not in need of a comeback. I am not one of those people. If this works out to be his big break back into the public eye, more power to him – way to go Mickey. Maybe if he gets a few more jobs, he’ll stop toting around that stupid damn chihuahua like he’s Paris Hilton.

The one thing this film was missing? Johnny Depp. Rumor has it that he was originally pegged for the character of Jackie Boy, but couldn’t make it due to conflicts, hence Benicio Del Toro. (Possible Fear and Loathing connection?) Which leaves me with one question – Why was Benicio Del Toro wearing Antonio Banderas’ hair? I think he also may have been wearing his nose?

So does Frank Miller have a thing for junk trauma or what? We counted four weener catastrophes – an all time high, even though two are the same person. Way to go Frank!

Ultimately, there’s good news and bad news about the success of Sin City. The bad news is that every successful comic book adaptation nudges the door open a little bit wider for further adaptations from the seemingly endless stream of comics – and Sin City was so successful (and economical) that it pretty much kicked the door open and propped it open, giving filmmakers license to attempt to capitalize of the story of every single comic book hero ever devised. *SIGH* The good news is that at least one of those films, maybe more, will be Sin City sequels, as Rodriguez and Miller have committed to bringing the rest of the Sin City stories to life.