The Lego Movie

Everything is awesome!

Actually…the only thing about The Lego Movie that’s not awesome is the song, “Everything is Awesome” – because that song has been stuck in my head for weeks on end. It’s the only thing I hear. Maybe I shouldn’t have switched my ringtone from “What Does the Fox Say?” to “Everything is Awesome”? Maybe it’s my own fucking fault?

The meaning of The Lego Movie came to me a few nights ago, as I was in that liminal stage between awake and asleep. It’s an allegory about overthrowing a totalitarian regime, an Animal Farm for the new millennium. Think about it…the rules that the Lego people must follow and the penalties for disobedience. The construction workers are the proletariat. The lego croissants are like Victory Gin. The kragl is like…the face cage full of rats?

When you think about it, it’s so easy to fall into the role of a totalitarian dictator as a parent. I sometimes find myself focusing so much on the rules and trying to get them to follow my rules that I forget about their feelings. I don’t know that I can totally stop being a dictator when it comes of mealtimes and hygiene, but I think I do a pretty good job at not being a dictator when it comes to playtime. When I play Barbies with my daughter, I let her be the dictator. If I put the wrong dress on a Barbie, she SCREAMS at me…and that’s ok. It’s one small arena in which she is in charge and the rules are hers.

Batman is a fucking dick. Will Arnett is so damn good at being a dick. Besides Batman, my favorite character was Princess Uni-kitty. I totally want to buy one!

The Lego Movie is an instant classic, like Toy Story or Shrek. We will definitely get the DVD when it comes out. A sequel has even been announced already. Like my son said, 2017 is so far away!

Transformers

I am a girl. I didn’t watch much Transformers, okay? I didn’t even own one – I think I had a rip-off Go-Bot, but that’s it. This film wasn’t pissing all over my childhood memories, so I was able to just enjoy it.

Even though Transformers was loo-oo-ong, the pace never slowed down and I never got bored. I’m not usually a fan of Michael Bay blow-up-a-thons, but I do appreciate the amount of humor that he tries to inject into his films. My favorite scene was the one where the autobots hide from Sam’s parents. Would Optimus Prime really say, “Sorry, my bad”? Who cares – it’s funny.

Why did they kill off the only black transformer?

Josh Duhamel…..gahhhhhhhhh…He is the only reason that I tolerate my husband watching that boob-fest, Las Vegas. If only he wasn’t tainted by that real life blow-up doll with a piss leak. If I was ten years younger, I would be SO into Shia LaBeouf…wait, how old is he? 21? Okay, maybe too young – ten years ago I was into Luke Wilson and Johnny Depp. 15 years ago? Keanu Reeves and Johnny Depp. 20 years ago? Matthew Broderick and Johnny Depp. Okay, I don’t think I ever would have had a crush on Shia LaBeouf, but he’s definitely the type of guy that I would want my daughter (or son) to have a crush on. Did I just say that? Christ, I’m old. (And for the record – STILL have a crush on Johnny Depp.)

Should I know Megan Fox from somewhere besides Maxim magazine? I feel like I should, but that’s the only other place I recall seeing her.

So I thought that Bumblebee had WAY too much of a Herbie quality. His communication through beeps and honks was totally Herbie…and wasn’t Bumblebee a VW Beetle originally anyway? His radio match making was totally creepy. And at the end of the film, the happy couple is laying on the hood of Bumblebee making out – who kisses their girlfriend while sitting in another friend’s lap? Do they have sex in Bumblebee? The implications are too disturbing to contemplate…

Transformers 2 is a done deal, right? I heard Rainn Wilson is joining the cast…interesting. A GI Joe movie is coming, as well as another He-Man remake. When does Barbie get her own fucking live-action movie? Even those slutty methed out Bratz have their own movie!