May 31, 2008

I am a girl. I didn’t watch much Transformers, okay? I didn’t even own one – I think I had a rip-off Go-Bot, but that’s it. This film wasn’t pissing all over my childhood memories, so I was able to just enjoy it.

Even though Transformers was loo-oo-ong, the pace never slowed down and I never got bored. I’m not usually a fan of Michael Bay blow-up-a-thons, but I do appreciate the amount of humor that he tries to inject into his films. My favorite scene was the one where the autobots hide from Sam’s parents. Would Optimus Prime really say, “Sorry, my bad”? Who cares – it’s funny.

Why did they kill off the only black transformer?

Josh Duhamel…..gahhhhhhhhh…He is the only reason that I tolerate my husband watching that boob-fest, Las Vegas. If only he wasn’t tainted by that real life blow-up doll with a piss leak. If I was ten years younger, I would be SO into Shia LaBeouf…wait, how old is he? 21? Okay, maybe too young – ten years ago I was into Luke Wilson and Johnny Depp. 15 years ago? Keanu Reeves and Johnny Depp. 20 years ago? Matthew Broderick and Johnny Depp. Okay, I don’t think I ever would have had a crush on Shia LaBeouf, but he’s definitely the type of guy that I would want my daughter (or son) to have a crush on. Did I just say that? Christ, I’m old. (And for the record – STILL have a crush on Johnny Depp.)

Should I know Megan Fox from somewhere besides Maxim magazine? I feel like I should, but that’s the only other place I recall seeing her.

So I thought that Bumblebee had WAY too much of a Herbie quality. His communication through beeps and honks was totally Herbie…and wasn’t Bumblebee a VW Beetle originally anyway? His radio match making was totally creepy. And at the end of the film, the happy couple is laying on the hood of Bumblebee making out – who kisses their girlfriend while sitting in another friend’s lap? Do they have sex in Bumblebee? The implications are too disturbing to contemplate…

Transformers 2 is a done deal, right? I heard Rainn Wilson is joining the cast…interesting. A GI Joe movie is coming, as well as another He-Man remake. When does Barbie get her own fucking live-action movie? Even those slutty methed out Bratz have their own movie!


Year – 2007
Rating – PG-13
Runtime – 144 minutes
Genre – Childhood Toy Adaptation
Director(s) – Michael Bay
Writer(s) – Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Actor(s) – Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro
BOB Rating – Three BOBs
Favorite Quote – "He's leaked lubricants all over my foot! Hmmph!" - Ironhide (Jess Harnell)