Blade: Trinity

May 26, 2006

I’m always up for vampire ass-kicking, especially when accompanied by a techno soundtrack.

The creatively named Blade: Trinity is the third (and probably not last) installment in the series. Blade is yet again ambushed in his hideout – doesn’t this happen in both the other movies, too? Whistler is yet again killed – although I expect to see him back in future installments – and Blade is captured. Blade is then rescued by Whistler’s illegitimate daughter Abigail (the one who DIDN’T get turned into a vampire) and ex-Vampire Hannibal King. There’s some plot stuff about a Vampire King, blah-diddy blah blah blah – didn’t they pull that shit in The Mummy Returns? It even looks like the same set! More plot stuff followed by more fighting. Then more fighting and some plot stuff. Without revealing too much about the plot stuff and ending, it’s a total rip-off of V: The Final Battle.

Although my hatred of 7th Heaven has not waned since cancellation, I’m not going to bash Jessica Biel. I have nothing negative or positive to say about her performance…except that I really liked her blouse – the reddish one with an Asian design. (Wonder if they sell something like it at Urban Outfitters?) Her shirt was the only thing memorable about her performance. Conversely, there were some very memorable things about Ryan Reynolds’ performance – and most of them revolved around his lack of a shirt. MY GAWD, he certainly has been hitting the gym since Van Wilder, hasn’t he? Speaking of Van Wilder, EVERY character Reynolds plays is an iteration of Van Wilder. I guess it works for Jack Nicholson and Christian Slater, so why not? Hannibal King also loves the Hasselhoff – so if my husband falls off a cliff, he can be my soulmate.

Patton Oswalt and Natasha Lyonne rounded out the Vampire Killing Crew. Why, oh why, does Patton Oswalt come across as more fuckable? There’s also a token black guy, but he’s only in one scene.

Parker Posey made the best vampire villain EVER! Her sometimes shocking skinniness fit her character, as did her razor sharp features. One point I agree with Hannibal King on – her hair did look fucking stupid. Posey MADE the movie for me. She makes EVERY movie better. She would also make a great Bond villain, a campy Cat-Woman, an amazing Mutant. In fact, I think she should join EVERY SINGLE MOVIE FRANCHISE STILL RUNNING. Movies would be better for it.

Triple H…is NOT The Rock. Just…no. But his vampire dog was AWESOME. I want one – so I can take it to Hollywood to eat Paris Hilton’s mutt.

This film was like one loo-o-ong iPod commercial. Product placement in almost every scene – WTF?

I was pleasantly surprised to find that Blade: Trinity was better than I expected. I was even more surprised that it was better than the second one. I heartily recommend it, as does Logan. You know he LAUGHED at the vampires?