The Lost Boys

 

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Would you believe I practically had to threaten my crotchgoblins to sit down on the couch with me and watch The Lost Boys?

For the boy, I wanted him to see the greasy sax man. He’s a budding musician – with several saxophones – and I wanted him to enjoy the greasy musical icon. The girl though…she has recently started devouring young adult vampire romance novels, plus all the Twilight movies. Which is fine…but…but…I cannot handle the fact that her only vampire knowledge is that glittery pussy in Twilight. I’ve got to help her before it’s too late!

Strangely enough, I don’t have any sentimental memories about seeing The Lost Boys as a kid. I know I saw it and enjoyed it, being a “Two Coreys” aficionado – but no big life moments I associate with the film. I did get a chuckle, remembering the WILD filming stories depicted in the Two Coreys movie, however.

My favorite theory floating around right now is that Sam is gay and vampires are gay and the 80s were gay and the film is a metaphor for sexual awakening. There are hundreds of articles and posts about it (here’s a link to one of my favorites).  That weird bubble bath scene kinda cements it for me…

Ultimately, I feel like my mission was a success – both children “said” they enjoyed the film. The girl is now rabidly consuming all the vampire flicks she can get her hands on. We’ve already watched Interview with the Vampire and From Dusk Til Dawn is next. (Undecided as to whether I’ll torture them with BSD.) The boy…well…he’s decided that he wants to bleach his hair white-blond like Keifer Sutherland. At least they both now understand why I have skulls and antlers hanging on all the walls – you never know when you’re gonna need to impale a vampire in your living room!

What We Do in the Shadows

 

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Ever curious, I’d been wondering where Taika Waititi came from – like what did he do before Thor: Ragnarok? A quick google pointed me towards his vampire mockumentary with Jemaine Clement, What We Do in the Shadows. I’d had it filed away in the back of my mind for awhile, until I saw a commercial for an upcoming TV series based on the film. Oooh, better get on it!

Having a weekend of flying ahead of me, WWDitS was the first thing I downloaded from Prime. Filmed in two camera documentary style, it wasn’t the easiest film to watch in daylight, on a 7 inch tablet – keeping with the vampire theme, it is rather dark and grainy at times. I squinted my eyes and blazed forward. Goddamn, this is one of the funniest vampire films I’ve ever seen – and there are A LOT of funny vampire films – Fearless Vampire Hunters, Vampire’s Kiss, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Once Bitten, Innocent Blood, Queen of the Damned – oops, I don’t think that last one was supposed to be a comedy.

I have a total crush on Vladislav, probably because he reminds me of my BFF’s future husband, Voltaire. I know his look was a nod to Bram Stoker’s Dracula, but I didn’t hate it.

Taika’s Viago is a dandy vampire, with a tragic backstory. He is roommates with Vladislav, the Nosferatu-esque Petyr and the Lugosi-ish Duncan – they all share a Wellington flat…and argue over who is going to do the dishes. They also go clubbing, try to lure victims and get into a turf war with the local werewolf pack. It is sidesplittingly funny – it’s a dry humor, though not as dry as British humor, with a bit more of the physical comedy. I’ll never get over the vampire sissy slap fight or Vladislav’s failure to “get the face right”.

I don’t know if it is valid to say I have a “New Zealand sense of humor”, just based on Taika Waititi and Peter Jackson – I cannot even think of anyone else from New Zealand. <Googles New Zealand Celebrities…> Nope.

Underworld: Blood Wars

I had totally forgotten that they’d made another one of these…until it magically appeared on the DVR – thanks, husband. You are the best at fulfilling all my “vampires fucking werewolves” needs.

Even though the film started with a brief “Previously on…” summary of the first four films, I had a difficult time following the threads of the plot. I had totally forgot that Theo James was in the last one – and fuck if I remember what he did there. Vampire things, I guess? Vampire gun things? I cannot tell if he is supposed to be a love interest for Selene or a son type figure? Both?

My favorite thing about Blood Wars – besides Theo James – were the Viking Vampires. The Viking Vampires were fucking badass. Don’t get me wrong, I like the black, goth vampire thing…but sometimes, a white silky nightgown is more comfortable to eat people in.

So yeah, there’ll be at least one more of these movies coming out. I predict they’ll keep making them as long as Kate Beckinsale can squeeze into a leather catsuit.

Underworld: Awakening

Is it sad that this is the best film that we could think of to see on ‘date night’? Seriously, my husband and I hadn’t seen a film in a theater together since The Dark Knight. We just don’t get out much.

I previously complained that the first, second and third Underworld films were boring. Believe it or not, I wasn’t bored at all through this one! BUT…and it’s a big BUT…that’s because this was also the first 3D film I’ve ever seen. (IMAX nature films at Moody Gardens don’t really count. I know, I’m totally behind the times. I also still use an unupgraded iPhone 3GS and pay my bills with checks. I am a fucking dinosaur.) In any case, I was in total “Look! Pretty pictures!” mode. I was like fucking little kid, staring, slackjawed. I’m fairly certain that I wouldn’t have enjoyed the film nearly as much if we had been sitting in a 2D theater.

I didn’t know much about the plot going in, except that there was a three-way Vampire/Werewolf/Human conflict of some kind. Wait – isn’t that also the plot of Twilight? Anyway, the entire plot of the film seemed to be crafted for the express purpose of NOT having Scott Speedman in the film. No complaints from me there, his character was sorta douchey. Too bad the film ended setting up a douchey sequel.

I had no idea that 3D movies have 3D trailers. It was sequel=tastic! They’re making yet another Resident Evil sequel. Meh. I was shocked that Wrath of the Titans looks like it may be pretty cool, unlike the first one. The monsters actually look intimidating and Perseus has hair. I raised an eyebrow that the trailer music was Marilyn Manson. Then there was the trailer for the Ghost Rider sequel. Somehow I never saw the first one, but the sequel for that one looked pretty cool, too. The only trailer that wasn’t a sequel was for The Cabin in the Woods, again with Marilyn Manson as the trailer music. When did Marilyn Manson become so socially acceptable? Anyway, the trailer makes the film to be a somewhat original horror film. Or maybe that’s because I am remembering how original Cabin Fever was? In any case, they’re all in 3D and I would be happy to sit through any of them…except maybe the Resident Evil one…

 

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Someone over in Hollywood must be reading my reviews, because they got rid of Selene and made a prequel all about Lucien.

That being said, Rise of the Lycans was still fucking boring. I was able to paint my toenails and load the dishwasher without really missing anything. There wasn’t much of a plot; Vampire enslaves werewolf, werewolf fucks the shit out of the vampire’s daughter, vampires fuck shit up and then werewolves fuck even more shit up.

I am intrigued by the concept of Werewolves that tunnel through the ground like gophers. Why??? That makes no fucking sense at all.

Why is it that Michael Sheen makes a smoking hot, long-haired werewolf, yet in real life, he looks like he drives a Diddler Van? It must be Hollywood magic and special effects.

I was largely indifferent to the exchange of Kate Beckinsale for Rhona Mitra. Rhona has better cheekbones, that’s about the only difference.

Underworld 4 is coming out in 2012…fourth time’s a charm…our planet may finally be free from insomnia for eternity.

    

Lost Boys: The Tribe

Finally, the not so greatly anticipated sequel to The Lost Boys makes its basic cable debut!

That’s right, this sequel is not even good enough to be straight to HBO or Skinemax – it went straight to TNT. That’s not even a real channel – all they show are Angel and Charmed reruns! I had to fast forward through commercials! I missed adult language! I missed jumblies! I assume I missed some blood and guts, because there wasn’t much on the screen.

You know what I didn’t miss (but wish I had)? The Two Coreys reunion. Two decades ago, as the Two Coreys began their public descent into drugs and straight to VHS glory, who would have predicted that the “normal” one would be Feldman? 20 years ago, Feldman was dressing like Michael Jackson, dating Drew Barrymore and needing rehab. Somehow, today he is married with a kid and still getting steady work, while Haim can’t get a job, can’t get laid (even when he goes out with the girl who made a sex tape with Colin Farrell) and so very obviously still an addict. (You KNOW I didn’t miss an episode of their very contrived reality show, The Two Coreys – I can never resist a trainwreck.) In any case, Feldman reprises his role as Edgar Frog and is in about a third of the film. He is “acting” in a weird, gravelly voice that gets on my fucking nerves. Haim doesn’t make an appearance until the credits, when Edgar Frog and Sam Emerson have a “confrontation.” Damn straight, it’s a set-up for a sequel that no one wants to watch.

The one bright spot was a pre-credits cameo by Tom Savini, make-up artist extraordinaire. I was expecting a continuation of the tongue-in-cheek sense of humor after his funny cameo, but after the credits, the film was firmly rooted in OC-Gossip-Hill-210 territory. A couple of teens move into a sleepy California town and quickly discover a vampire surfer problem. Oh, I didn’t mention that the vampires are surfers? (I didn’t mention it because it’s fucking retarded.)

Didn’t Keifer Sutherland end up on a pair of antlers at the end of the original? Yeah, more antlers in this one AND more Sutherland. Of course, not Keifer – since he has a job and stuff – but his little half-brother Angus was available to play the leader of the big bad surfer vampires. Unfortunately, Angus is also only half as badass as Keifer was. Come on, he’s a SURFER. I half expected him to start belting out Pineapple Princess, for chrissakes.

In summary, the film is low on action, low on blood and low on Coreys. OH…and it has a shitty cover of “Cry Little Sister” during a love scene. Worst. Cover. Ever.

 

Vegas Vampires

Every once in a while, my husband will surprise me by DVRing horrible films for me to review. With a title like ‘Vegas Vampires,’ there’s no way he could pass this one up – it had to be total shit. In fact, it’s so shitty that I had to narrow it down to a top ten list.

10. The Title – how lazy can you get?

9. The Musical Cameo (K-Ci and Jo Jo) – they must have needed to fill screen time. There were a bunch of other rappers, too.

8. The Ugly Fat Baldwin Brother from Celebrity Rehab.

7. Only one scene with boobies – and it was 53 minutes into the fucking film.

6. The acting – so, so bad.

5. Blurring out all the logos on the cast’s clothes…and since they’re ALL rappers – that is every single article of clothing. Fucking irritating.

4. Zombies – why put zombies in a vampire movie? Or maybe they were vampire zombies – no, that doesn’t make any sense either.

3. The special effects – I think they used Photoshop.

2. The vampire hunting nun that rips off her habit to reveal a leather bustier – I am not making this up.

1. The Fred Williamson/Richard Roundtree vampire ass-kicking scene. (Actually, this scene was so cringeworthy that it was actually the best thing about the whole film.)

I could go on, but why?

I Am Legend

Very few actors could carry almost an entire film on their shoulders, but Will Smith is definitely one of them. He’s on his own for 80-85% of the film and he owns it. If I had bothered to watch Cast Away, I could compare the two – but I think I am safe assuming that Tom Hanks put in a good performance.

Will Smith is definitely one of the most likable actors out there today. (Will Smith: The Black Man Everyone At Work Can Agree On) I’d like to see him branch out and play a character that’s downright nasty and despicable. Something like Kevin Spacey in Se7en would be interesting. He’s never played a bad guy before…even his buddy Tom Cruise has tried it once!

I love zombies and I LOVE vampires – so a film with Zombie vampires should be doubly awesome, right? Not if the zombie vampires are CGI. It was a ballsy move and would have been revolutionary if it would have worked – but it didn’t. The “Dark Seekers” were fucking lame and I was too distracted by their smooth skin and flip-top heads to be scared by them. The dead eyed kids on The Polar Express were scarier.

I haven’t read the novel yet, but while researching the film for my review, I read enough to know that the film doesn’t deliver the same message that the original story does. The alternate ending included on the DVD reportedly comes closer, but still doesn’t capture the same meaning. *sigh* This makes me like the film less. I was ready to give them film a 3 BOB rating, but this information will make me kick it down to 2 BOBs. This is NOT because the film doesn’t adhere to the original source material. I changed my mind because I realized that I had been TRICKED…tricked again by what I call the “noble martyr Hollywood ending.” Although I constantly grouse about “Hollywood endings” in which everyone lives and all the loose ends are tied up, I am equally irritated by endings in which the main character martyrs him or herself for the greater good. Maybe I am still irritated by the fact I cried at the end of Armageddon. [Oops, I swore that I would carry that piece of information to the grave, but what the hell…] Films don’t make me cry – EVER – but for some reason, that moment when Bruce Willis sent Ben Affleck back to continue fucking his daughter really got to me. Within a few minutes though, I was angry, not sad. Angry that I had fallen prey to Michael Bay’s patriotic, tearjerking bullshit. Anyway, learning that the ending of I Am Legend had been changed for the film made realize that I had fallen for it AGAIN. For the record, I didn’t cry – not even earlier in the film with Sam.

At least there won’t be a fucking sequel.

  

Underworld: Evolution

Yet another film starring Kate Beckinsale in a corset, fighting vampires and werewolves and various hybrids of the two. Even though it’s the sequel to Underworld, it had enough in common with Van Helsing to confuse the hell out of me and make me have to think real hard about what had happened in the previous movie and who the characters were.

Underworld: Evolution picks up right after the last movie ended…I think. The bad vampires are about to wake up the first vampire ever created. Once this guy is back in action, he goes looking for the first werewolf, who just happens to be his brother. As soon as they’re reunited, they’re going to…uh…do something…really bad? Kill everyone on the planet or something? Just as boring as the first one, I put my brain on auto-pilot while watching this one and didn’t store any of the plot points in my long term memory. it’s just as well, because I’m sure they did make any sense anyway.

I was weirded out by Kate Beckinsale’s body double. That sex scene contained the most awkward and contrived bare abdomen close-up I’ve ever seen. If you are going to have an extreme close-up of a naked body part, why on earth would you pick the belly button?

The prequel is still coming. Why?

    

Blade: Trinity

I’m always up for vampire ass-kicking, especially when accompanied by a techno soundtrack.

The creatively named Blade: Trinity is the third (and probably not last) installment in the series. Blade is yet again ambushed in his hideout – doesn’t this happen in both the other movies, too? Whistler is yet again killed – although I expect to see him back in future installments – and Blade is captured. Blade is then rescued by Whistler’s illegitimate daughter Abigail (the one who DIDN’T get turned into a vampire) and ex-Vampire Hannibal King. There’s some plot stuff about a Vampire King, blah-diddy blah blah blah – didn’t they pull that shit in The Mummy Returns? It even looks like the same set! More plot stuff followed by more fighting. Then more fighting and some plot stuff. Without revealing too much about the plot stuff and ending, it’s a total rip-off of V: The Final Battle.

Although my hatred of 7th Heaven has not waned since cancellation, I’m not going to bash Jessica Biel. I have nothing negative or positive to say about her performance…except that I really liked her blouse – the reddish one with an Asian design. (Wonder if they sell something like it at Urban Outfitters?) Her shirt was the only thing memorable about her performance. Conversely, there were some very memorable things about Ryan Reynolds’ performance – and most of them revolved around his lack of a shirt. MY GAWD, he certainly has been hitting the gym since Van Wilder, hasn’t he? Speaking of Van Wilder, EVERY character Reynolds plays is an iteration of Van Wilder. I guess it works for Jack Nicholson and Christian Slater, so why not? Hannibal King also loves the Hasselhoff – so if my husband falls off a cliff, he can be my soulmate.

Patton Oswalt and Natasha Lyonne rounded out the Vampire Killing Crew. Why, oh why, does Patton Oswalt come across as more fuckable? There’s also a token black guy, but he’s only in one scene.

Parker Posey made the best vampire villain EVER! Her sometimes shocking skinniness fit her character, as did her razor sharp features. One point I agree with Hannibal King on – her hair did look fucking stupid. Posey MADE the movie for me. She makes EVERY movie better. She would also make a great Bond villain, a campy Cat-Woman, an amazing Mutant. In fact, I think she should join EVERY SINGLE MOVIE FRANCHISE STILL RUNNING. Movies would be better for it.

Triple H…is NOT The Rock. Just…no. But his vampire dog was AWESOME. I want one – so I can take it to Hollywood to eat Paris Hilton’s mutt.

This film was like one loo-o-ong iPod commercial. Product placement in almost every scene – WTF?

I was pleasantly surprised to find that Blade: Trinity was better than I expected. I was even more surprised that it was better than the second one. I heartily recommend it, as does Logan. You know he LAUGHED at the vampires?