June 29, 2006

Ted’s Bogus Journey, Part Deux.

When the world needs saving – who else are you gonna call, but Keanu Reeves? I’ve lost count of all the different ways that he’s saved the world, but in Constantine, he saves the world from the son of Satan. At least that’s what I think happened – I kept finding myself confused by all the religious mumbo jumbo and visits to Hell. Having never read the Hellblazer comics, my only experience with John Constantine was via the Sandman comics – and that was so long ago that I can’t even remember what he did in them. I think he was some kind of supernatural private investigator?

As I was watching Constantine, I found myself mulling over the details that my ex would have squealed over. It’s gotta be because – as a citizen of the Sandman universe – Constantine is indelibly linked to that rat bastard. Oh, I’ve watched plenty of movies over the last 7 years that he would have liked or loved and I don’t recall ever thinking of him while watching a new movie – I was almost disconcerted by the fact that my brain was picking out details he would have liked or hated. Or was I disconcerted by the fact that I wasn’t coupling my thoughts of him with the usual extreme bitterness? All I felt was curiousity about whether he liked the movie or not (probably not)…but I’m also comfortable with the fact that I’ll never have to know.

Sometimes, I get hypnotized by Rachel Weisz’s eyebrows. They’re big and asymmetrical. From the corner of my eye, I get the distinct feeling that they’re looking at ME. Then I train my eyes on them and stare…and…nothing. I have decided that I like Rachel Weisz, solely based on her decision to keep her eyebrows and not bow to Hollywood pressures to mutilate them. Don’t these hungry little movie stars realize that facial features help you act? Every shot of botox, every strip of hot wax, every layer of skin bleached and every sandwich they don’t strips the humanity out of their faces until all that’s left is a close approximation of their wax museum counterparts. So yeah, as long as Rachel Weisz continues looking like a human being, I’ll be on her side…but if she gets too crazy with the tweezers or the botox, I’ll kick her to the curb.

As a remarkably un-religious and not-spiritual person, I think it surprises people when they find my home full of Ho Tei Statues and my jewelry box full of crosses. (My husband won’t let me hang up my Piss Christ.) Likewise, it’s probably surprising that I enjoy pseudo-religious movies like Constantine, Stigmata,Dogma, Carrie, Hellboy – or is it not surprising at all? I think I’m somewhat drawn to movies depicting the dark, sinister side of Christianity – especially the sinister side of God and/or Angels. The idea that Angels are jealous of human beings intrigues me. Normally, I hate the idea of Angels – wings, harps and halos are just too fey – but bad angels are kind of cool.

Constantine ended on a pretty open ended note – it was hard to tell if they were angling for a sequel. I hope they don’t waste their time – what fun is a non-smoking, Salvation-bound Constantine?


Year – 2005
Rating – R
Runtime – 121 minutes
Genre – Comic Book Adaptation
Director(s) – Francis Lawrence
Writer(s) – Kevin Brodbin, Frank A. Cappello
Actor(s) – Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf, Tilda Swinton, Peter Stormare
BOB Rating – Three BOBs
Favorite Quote – "God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything." - John Constantine (Keanu Reeves)