Once Upon a Time in Mexico

February 24, 2004

Killing off Salma Hayek took some balls. What? It’s not like I spoiled anything by saying that!

When I first heard word of this coming out, I was skeptical. Not skeptical of Rodriguez’s talent, just skeptical of the effect Hollywood may have had on him in the past nine years since Desperado. Turns out I didn’t have anything to worry about. Rodriguez’s singular vision is still there. However, I wasn’t exactly disappointed in the film, but I wasn’t overly thrilled either. The pace was good and the action was outstanding – but it was just a little TOO cartoony and outlandish. I have little patience for scenes in which our hero is getting shot at by 20 guys and yet they miss every time. But on the other hand, the plot wasn’t predictable – it was slightly confusing even. I had no idea what would happen up until the very end.

Antonio Banderas hasn’t aged a day since Desperado. It’s not surprising, looking at his freak of a wife – she probably doses him with Botox in his sleep.

As corrupt CIA Agent Sands, Johnny Depp gets to model many different fake porn star mustaches, wear many different stupid T-shirts and carry many amusing lunch boxes. Low budget as this film was, I suspect that Johnny provided his own wardrobe, props…and mustaches. As in Pirates of the Caribbean, the scenes with Johnny Depp were the best. I’m not sure how to sum up his character. At times, he was a complete bastard, but at others, he would be totally sympathetic. And what was up with his ‘Crow’ get-up at the end? Intentional?

I just wanted someone to shoot Eva Mendes in her big, fake titties – is that too much to ask? An FBI Agent that runs around with that much silicone is just asking for it – and no bulletproof vest? Unless her implants were made of Kevlar…

Why is Willem Dafoe playing a Mexican? What the fuck? He did a good job, but it was still weird. And I could have lived the rest of my life without seeing Mickey Rourke’s deformed mug again. The man seriously looks like he’s made of Play-Doh. And what was up with that nasty little dog? Did that dog mean that he was gay?

I’m not entirely sure that this was a movie that was just screaming to get made – but it was fun, nonetheless. Oh yeah, the DVD has more extra content than movie. The funniest part was the 10 Minute Cooking School – I need to watch it again and get that recipe.