Tusk

This movie is so fucking weird and fucked up. Of course, it’s a horror movie….but it’s also a comedy…and it’s also a mindfuck. Tusk is like a new genre of movie – Mindfuck Fu. The first Mindfuck is not so much the subject matter – it’s fucked up to be sure, but the real mindfuck […]

21 Jump Street

All the little teen girls can have Zac Efron. Robert Pattison and Taylor Lautner do nothing for me either. Ryan Gosling…again, not interested. But when it comes to Channing Tatum, I do understand…there’s something about him that makes me want to rip his picture out of magazines and plaster them all over my cubicle. It’s […]

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Seriously? THIS is the best they could come up with? A bunch of pirates racing to find the fountain of youth? If pirates wanted to live forever, wouldn’t they take better care of their eyes and teeth? To be fair, it does pick up right after the third one left off, but still… Was anyone […]

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Oh, Tim Burton, you’re like a tampon…when you do your job well, I love you…but when you fuck up, I hate you and I swear I’ll never trust you again…. Visually stunning as Alice in Wonderland was, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was watching twenty pounds of shit in a ten pound bag. […]

Rango

Drugs. Watching Rango made me feel like I was on a large quantity of psychedelic drugs. I’m not just saying that because Raoul Duke and the Great Red Shark made a cameo…although it helped. The whole film had a dark and trippy feel. It’s like the plot was a peyote fever dream left over after […]

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

About halfway through, I found myself wondering if they would ever stop singing, craving a cigarette madly. I’ve never been much into Broadway Musicals, even as a self-professed Drama Fag throughout High School and College. I can pinpoint my rapid loss of interest to exactly the moment that I wasn’t cast as Rizzo in my […]

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Three hours of my life that I will never get back. At least I broke it up into an hour apiece on three different days. It’s like they decided what special effects they wanted to do and then pieced together a plot to string the special effects together. Compounding that, it’s been so long since […]

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

This is a stinky movie, full of stinky pirates, stinky villains and a stinky plot to boot. The first one wasn’t a bad film. Making a movie out of a Disneyland attraction was a novel concept back then…before Haunted Mansion and The Country Bears. Johnny Depp was still best known for his role as Edward […]

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I never saw Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory as a child. I was a 19 year old college student – and it definitely fucked with my head. (There’s a time and place for everything, children. It’s called college.) Consequently, I’m missing all those warm and fuzzy feelings that made so many die hard fans […]

Once Upon a Time in Mexico

Killing off Salma Hayek took some balls. What? It’s not like I spoiled anything by saying that! When I first heard word of this coming out, I was skeptical. Not skeptical of Rodriguez’s talent, just skeptical of the effect Hollywood may have had on him in the past nine years since Desperado. Turns out I […]