The Goonies

February 3, 2005

For some reason, I have this uncontrollable compulsion that causes me to watch The Goonies every single time it’s on TV. I’ve watched it on HBO and I’ve watched it cut to hell on USA and even on the crappy local station. I’ve even watched it on Telemundo, which makes the scene with the maid a bit surreal. I wonder if it’s just me that’s burdened with this weird affliction? Or is there a whole cadre of Gen X-ers completely incapacitated every single time The Goonies is shown on television?

In any case, I’ve had that stupid Cyndi Lauper song stuck in my head for several days since my last viewing of The Goonies – did I mention that I still have the Goonies single on 45? Catchy as it is, it’s not a song that you’d want to be stuck in your head for days on end…because along with that song comes images of professional wrestlers trying to act in a shitty music video. Who wants Captain Lou Albano dancing around in their head for three days straight? I’ll also pass on trying to explain the relationship between a group of misfit kids and a bunch of greased up, middle aged men in underoos who tackle each other for a living.

The plot is simple – the Goonies are on a quest to find hidden treasure to avoid the foreclosure on Mikey’s home. It sounds retarded now as an adult, knowing what I know about mortgages and banks and how worthless “treasure” is, since it always ends up in a museum, with the finder getting jack shit. To a kid though, the Goonies had set upon a most noble quest, nobler still when you consider they were being chased by a bunch of murderous Italians.

Did Joe Pantoliano ever have a full head of hair? No? Okay then, carry on.

I love all the Goonies equally – except Andie. I hate Andie. Her screeching was annoying and I get totally skeeved everytime she makes out with Mikey. I mean, come ON – he’s 12!

Everytime someone in the movie says “One Eyed Willie,” I giggle like a schoolgirl. Why? Because I have a very juvenile sense of humor. Funny though – I didn’t think of a penis when the movie first came out…Maybe only adults are capable of being that immature?

Sooooo…I’ll bet you were expecting a continuation of my Corey Feldman rant, weren’t you? Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve got nothing but good things to say about Corey here. Even though it can likely be attributed to the Chris Columbus’ writing, somehow Feldman ended up with the best character out of all the Goonies. He’s got the best one liners and the best comic delivery of any of the kids. His hair looks kind of fucked up throughout the whole movie, but that’s the worst thing that I can think to say about him in this context. Plus, he hadn’t met Corey Haim yet, so I cut him a little slack.

One last thing…I am SO glad those talks of a Goonies sequel are over and done with! I was horrified, yet intrigued when the rumors started making the rounds several years ago, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it would be like copping a squat on John Matuszak’s grave. Just because most of the cast has nothing better to do doesn’t mean that it should be done. Gosh!