Wonder Woman 1984

 

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It wasn’t THAT bad…but yeah, it was definitely not a good movie, per se…or even a mediocre one, because its failures were spectacular in scope…dammit, okay, I’m dancing around it. Wonder Woman 1984 was bad.

Bad is purely subjective when it comes to the DCEU…it surely wasn’t the worst – see Batman v Superman for example – but since the first Wonder Woman is clearly the best so far, it makes it all the more obvious that WW84 just doesn’t stack up. It’s a rehash of old plots…almost as if Superman 2 arrived to an 80s themed party with an Infinity Stone in one hand and a Monkey’s Paw in the other. That’s as spoilery as I will get, as there may be a few out there who haven’t seen it yet.

Kristen Wiig was wasted as Cheetah. Her character was the most fun to watch, even though her character arc was ridiculous. She was doing the best she could with the horrible material she got.

The internet has decided that Wonder Woman raped that poor guy who was unfortunate enough to host the personality of Steve Trevor. It’s an interesting ethical question to be sure – which entity is more important, the mind or the body it presently inhabits. I’m assuming the screenwriter intended the ethical dilemma, or why not have a naked Steve Trevor fall out of the sky? Even so, this brings up questions for any piece of media with body-swapping. Was Sam Beckett getting folks raped in every episode of Quantum Leap (maybe)? Ooooh, was Elizabeth Perkins a child molester in Big (yikes, but kinda)? Wait..was Steve Trevor sexually assaulting his host body every time he took his dick out to pee??? Ultimately, it matters little whether Wonder Woman raped that guy or not…she’s the daughter of Zeus, a god known for having his way with every living creature that crossed his path. How can you apply human laws to a god?

There were a few joyful moments in the film. The invisible jet was fun, although I have a hard time believing that The Smithsonian keeps fueled jets in the backlot and an even harder time believing that WWI era Steve Trevor could fly one. The after-credits scene made me giddy…I shrieked!

An ideal ending for ME would’ve been Bruce Wayne wishing his parents back to life, only to have them disappear 15 minutes later, which in turn, is what drives him to become Batman, in order to KILL Wonder Woman. Yes, THAT would’ve been an interesting twist.

I’d love to say that I have high hopes for the already greenlighted Wonder Woman 3, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Richard Pryor might show up…

Santa Jaws

 

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What in the shit?

Rest assured, Santa Jaws is exactly as bad as I thought it would be. I had zero expectations going in, expecting some mindless, season-appropriate entertainment on Christmas night and this film fulfilled those expectations.

This kid gets a magic pen and it brings drawings to life, so he draws “Santa Jaws”, a killer shark that wears a Santa hat on its fin. Santa Jaws comes to life and eats his Grandpa, and then slowly works his way through the rest of the kid’s family and friends.

Throughout the film, Santa Jaws also acquires a Narwhal-like peppermint horn and festive teeth made out of Christmas lights. The protagonists attempt to conquer Santa Jaws with baked turkeys full of gunpowder. What kind of Christmas party requires 3 baked turkeys and several buckets of gunpowder? Outside of Texas, of course – that’s a totally normal party set-up here in the Lone Star State.

Per my husband, Santa Jaws is one of THE WORST films he has ever seen on SyFy and he has seen them all, from Mansquito to Sharknado.

On a side note, I found “Santa Jaws” wrapping paper on post-Christmas clearance at Target today. I totally bought it.



Iron Man 3

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I’ve somehow managed to avoid seeing Iron Man 3 in the five years or so since it was released. No particular reason, except maybe the fear of too much GOOP. Even so, I’m hearing rumblings that there are some plot threads from this one that will be picked up in Avengers 4, so might as well dig in.

The film kicked off with a 1999 flashback, featuring one of the worst songs ever recorded – “Blue (ba da bee)”. I was able to look past that, and fully enjoy the site of Happy Hogan decked out like Vincent Vega – bolo tie and all.

The central plot device seems familiar…an Eastern, mystical type, bent on destruction, is revealed to be a sham, with the real villain pretending to be his underling…oh yeah, Batman Begins! And according to Wikipedia, Guy Pearce was even in consideration for Ducard/Ra’s al Ghul.

Miguel Ferrer! What a pleasant surprise! He was one of those underappreciated actors that you don’t think to miss until they’re gone. Even though his role was blink and you’ll miss it, it made me smile.

This film really filled in a lot of gaps for me in Tony Stark’s character arc and how Tony’s attitude changes in Ultron and leading into Civil War. Tony wasn’t exactly humbled, but he experienced a few humble moments. It was interesting to see how Tony was able to scrounge at Home Depot and create weapons – his lab was nice and all, but he makes MacGyver look like MacGruber.

Also, GOOP still didn’t die. Goddammit.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Ooh ee ooh ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang.

That is the exact point that I stopped being okay with this film – the remake of my favorite Chipmunk song ever. Do juvenile chipmunks *really* need skanky back-up dancers? I thought that was what The Chipettes were for? Coincidentally, The Chipettes will be featured in the upcoming sequel. Meh.

Jason Lee makes yet another kid-friendly film. Hey – at least it’s better than Underdog, although the Chipmunks are also suspiciously genital-free. Lee was a surprisingly good choice for David Seville. He got the “Alvinnnnnnnnn!” yell just right.

The romance element was stupid. That girl was at least 15 years too young for Jason Lee – did he find her while trolling the high schools? I thought I recognized her, but I couldn’t figure out where from. The only thing that stood out on imdb was Point Pleasant, some godawful FOX show from a few years ago – my husband tried to watch it until it was canceled, it was just pointless.

So what was the point of getting a big name like Justin Long to play Alvin? It’s not like his voice acting is at all recognizable when it’s all speeded (is that even a word?) up like that. He doesn’t have kids to impress or $cientology bills to pay like Jason Lee does, so he must need the money. Maybe he picked up a coke habit from hanging around with Kirsten Drunkst? I suppose Jesse McCartney is a big name with girls that don’t need training bras yet – first I ever saw of him was on Thanksgiving – I don’t remember if it was on a float or during a football game – I just remember everyone trying to figure out who the fuck he was.

So I haven’t decided whether or not the fued between David Cross and Patton Oswalt over this film is real or not. If it is real, I’m torn over who to side with. Patton does have a point – being the bad guy in a kid’s film is a kinda shit role – but then again, his attitude can sometimes be just on the self righteous side of snobby. Sure, Ratatouille is fucking great film and he deserves to be proud of his involvement, but not at the expense of his fellow working comedians. It’s not like he personally won an Oscar for it. Also, being in Chipmunk movie is hardly the most D-list thing that David Cross has been involved in – that would be the Celebrity Poker Tournament. Alvin & The Chipmunks is certainly a step up? Even though Patton clarified and apologized, Team Cross!

As much as I complained about the film, I still bought the soundtrack for my son for Christmas. I’d much rather listen to Alvin & The Chipmunks than Barney, The Wiggles or fucking Elmo Sings the Blues. I’ll just quietly skip over the remake of ‘Witch Doctor’ and he won’t be the wiser. (I also got him an animatronic baby chipmunk. I guess it’s a good thing he can’t read yet, huh? This review sure would ruin Christmas.)

 

Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys

I honestly don’t know who’s worse – Corey Feldman or Vanessa Angel.

Don’t get me wrong – they both suck. A lot. I would be hard pressed to say who would win more in a sucking contest. On the one hand, there’s Corey Feldman. Anyone who saw him in the first season of The Surreal Life hates his fucking guts. He’s a little pretentious pussy who cries at the drop of the hat. (Not that crying makes you a pussy – Vince Neil cried too – and HE’S not a pussy.) He’s also very, very tiny. According to the IMDB, he’s 5’3. He doesn’t even come up to my tits! Also, he’s still the uglier half of ‘The Coreys.’ It’s never good to be the uglier half of ANYTHING. Feldman can’t act, can’t sing and seems to be incapable of grasping the fact that he’s a has-been. Maybe that’s starting to sink in a little bit, now that he’s been in this colossal piece of ass…

Vanessa Angel, on the other hand, probably has a good shot at winning a sucking contest, albeit a sucking contest of another kind. Her lips are now approximately the size of innertubes, which I assume is the result of some kind of cosmetic procedure. It’s either that or hemorrhoids. Seriously, girlfriend might want to start thinking about using Preparation H instead of lip gloss. In any case, her acting is worse that Feldman’s – but due to her inflated jugs, she’s been keeping herself pretty busy with shitty straight-to-Sci Fi Channel movies with titles like Sabretooth, Raging Sharks and Out for Blood. Oh yeah – she also has a spot on one of my least favorite shows ever – Stargate SG-1.

For now, we’re at an impasse – I’ll go on with the review and make up my mind a little later on…For the record, I’m not a scholar of the Full Moon oeuvre of pictures…I’ve seen a parts here and there, but I’ve never sat down and intentionally watched an entire Puppet Master or Demonic Toys movie from beginning to end. With that in mind, I cannot begin to comment on whether this film was a good, bad or indifferent addition to the series. I can tell you that this was a very, very shitty movie that made my eyes bleed.

Corey Feldman plays the middle-aged descendant of the original Puppet Master. Middle-aged? What the fuck? They didn’t even bother putting old age make-up on him. They made his hair a little bit gray and gave him glasses, that’s it. We weren’t even that lazy in High School Theatre…In any case, Feldman also has a “12 year-old” daughter, who looks about 20. Plus, there seemed to be some kind of sexual tension between them – GROSS! Vanessa Angel plays the daughter of the creator of the Demonic Toys – I think? She wants the Puppet Master’s puppets for her very own. Oh yeah, and she’s in league with a demon for reasons that are not entirely made clear. She also likes to put her receptionists in an Iron Maiden made out of plastic, lined with rubber spikes. Again, the reasons for this are unclear.

The Puppets are lame. The Demonic Toys are lame…except for the perverted baby doll – Baby Oopsy. Even though all he does is fart a lot and try to breastfeed with inappropriately sharp teeth, his tiny bit of comic relief is much appreciated.

Oh yeah – I forgot to mention – this is a Christmas film. Not that it matters, just thought I’d warn you.

Back to the sucking contest. Although Feldman delivered good performances in The Goonies, Stand by Me and The Lost Boys, that’s getting to be 20 years ago. Even so, all Vanessa Angel’s got is Kingpin. And she wasn’t even that good in Kingpin. But Angel does have one thing going for her – she’s hasn’t starred in a reality show for washed up celebrities – yet. (Much less gotten married on one – what was he thinking?) And as far as I know, she hasn’t embarked on a self-indulgent music career, nor has she named a child “Zen.” (Most pretentious. Baby name. EVER.) And although her lips appear to warrant a Hemorrhoidectomy, she still doesn’t quite manage to suck as much as Corey Feldman. Sorry Mouth – you win…or lose, depending on your point of view. The only thing that is certain – if you waste your time watching Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, you most definitely DO lose.

Elf

So I finally saw Elf…and I hate to say it, but I was very disappointed. It wasn’t nearly as good as I thought it would be.

It’s not like I’m trying to compare Elf to the raunchier Holiday films like Bad Santa or The Hebrew Hammer. It’s not that I’m against family films – there are plenty of Christmas-y family films that I love – Scrooged, A Christmas Story. A PG rating isn’t an automatic downer for me. And it can’t be Will Ferrell’s fault – he’s funny as Elf, so maybe it was the plot? Something about Elf just fell flat for me.

Who the fuck is Zooey Deschanel? Where did she come from? Wasn’t she the “It Girl” a few years ago? What has she been in? I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything else, which is probably a good thing – she’s creepy looking.

At least there was a midget. Or was that a dwarf? Whatever – that little dude made the movie for me. I can’t help it – I have a midget fetish.

Now that I think about it – it was probably the schmaltz factor that did me in. The entire movie was just too precious. It was like those fuckin’ baby torturing Anne Geddes “Art” prints. It was sleeping puppies and kittens playing with string. God, I’m going to make a shitty mother, aren’t I?

Bad Santa

Billy Bob Thornton IS a bad Santa. Really bad.

I’ve never cared much for Billy Bob Thornton. I’ve never seem him in a particularly likable role. His personal life is deplorable. Plus, he just looks like he smells like a Truck Stop Bathroom. That being said, I liked him in this role. I could really see hanging out with this bad Santa – he seemed like my type of guy. Maybe because he liked to pick up women from the Big & Tall section…

Lauren Graham’s character must have been a little retarded. Seriously. I don’t care what kind of Hanukkah hang-ups you have…sexual attraction to Santa Claus is just wrong. Sick and wrong. I don’t think I will ever be able to watch Gilmore Girls in the same way again. Wait! I never watched it anyway, so it’s no big loss.

I don’t care what anyone says – the funniest scenes were the ones between John Ritter and Bernie Mac. Hell, any of the scenes with John Ritter are easily the best in the whole film. Too bad this is his last film…

Tony Cox was damn funny as well. He also starred as one of Santa’s elves in The Hebrew Hammer. Guess he’s the goto guy when you need a mean little elf.

That kid must have amazing self-esteem. Even though he is slightly less pathetic by the end of the movie, it takes an amazing heart to go along with the abuse in this film. I have one wish for the snot kid. Kid, I hope puberty treats you well, because you look like you’re gonna grow up to look like Harry Knowles.

Oh yeah, and what the fuck was that shit about the talking walnut?

A pretty funny film, except for the ending kind of annoyed me. If they would have cut the film about 3 minutes before the credits (right after the cops) – it would have been a perfect dark comedy, but of course they had to wrap everything up in a pretty bow. I hate that shit!