December 27, 2019
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What in the shit?
Rest assured, Santa Jaws is exactly as bad as I thought it would be. I had zero expectations going in, expecting some mindless, season-appropriate entertainment on Christmas night and this film fulfilled those expectations.
This kid gets a magic pen and it brings drawings to life, so he draws “Santa Jaws”, a killer shark that wears a Santa hat on its fin. Santa Jaws comes to life and eats his Grandpa, and then slowly works his way through the rest of the kid’s family and friends.
Throughout the film, Santa Jaws also acquires a Narwhal-like peppermint horn and festive teeth made out of Christmas lights. The protagonists attempt to conquer Santa Jaws with baked turkeys full of gunpowder. What kind of Christmas party requires 3 baked turkeys and several buckets of gunpowder? Outside of Texas, of course – that’s a totally normal party set-up here in the Lone Star State.
Per my husband, Santa Jaws is one of THE WORST films he has ever seen on SyFy and he has seen them all, from Mansquito to Sharknado.
On a side note, I found “Santa Jaws” wrapping paper on post-Christmas clearance at Target today. I totally bought it.
Rating – TV-PG
Runtime – 86 minutes
Genre – Killer Sharks
Director(s) – Misty Talley
Writer(s) – Jake Kiernan
Actor(s) – Reid Miller, Courtney Lauren Cummings, Jim Klock, Carrie Lazar, Arthur Marroquin
BOB Rating – ZERO BOBs
Favorite Quote – "Ho-ho-ho, you son of a fish." - Cody (Reid Miller)