Attack of the Killer Donuts

Sometimes, my husband leaves me presents on the DVR…presents like Attack of the Killer Donuts. He’s a romantic at heart…

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The title kind of gives away the plot – there are donuts and they kill people. It’s absolutely as much fun as it sounds. Who knew killer donuts could be so much fun???

The only “star” that I recognized in the film was 80s heartthrob C. Thomas Howell. Say what you will, but after looking at his IMdB page, he works his ASS off in movies and TV. I guess that Soul Man money has run out?

My only complaint was the dialogue…there was too much of it. Characters would just keep on talking, not advancing the plot at all. We wanna see bloody donuts not Rom Com conversations!

A diarrhea fountain is never not funny. I don’t want one in my house or anything…but they’re never not funny in a movie, IE, The Haunted Trailer.

Utterly ridiculous, with an over the top plot, I nevertheless grant Attack of the Killer Donuts two full BOBs for the sheer amount of belly laughs we all enjoyed while watching.

Bad Grandpa

I only hesitate to crown Bad Grandpa the funniest film of 2013 because Anchorman 2 hasn’t come out yet and judging from the trailer, I’ll be sharting myself laughing.

Not that I shouldn’t have worn Depends to see Bad Grandpa – it would’ve been a good idea. Better safe than sharty, I always say. (Although now that I think about it, it’s likely that our pre-movie sushi stop may have caused that sharty feeling – not the hysterical laughter.) Nevertheless, I had better bowel control than poor Irving…and now I’ve said too much. Is it a spoiler to mention that one of the Jackass movies contains sharting? I say no – that’s like saying that a Twilight movie contains meaningful staring…it’s a foregone conclusion.

I didn’t realize it before I saw it, but Bad Grandpa is really Jackass 4…except instead of all the guys from the show doing stunts, it’s just Johnny Knoxville’s dirty old man character, Irving Zissman, doing stunts. I am inclined to describe each and every stunt in detail, but that would take the fun out of watching them unfold. I will say that although the trailer included the very best stunt – the Cherry Pie scene – you might find yourself assuming that a cross-dressing 9 year old stripper is the most offensive thing that Knoxville had to offer…and you would be wrong. So, so wrong.

Bad Grandpa is structured like Borat. The plot is loosely held together by a string of uncomfortable Candid Camera/Punk’d scenes, played out on an unsuspecting public. It’s telling that the scenes take place while traveling from Nebraska to North Carolina – the boring middle part of America. I’m not saying that the people in those states are stupid, but maybe just less likely to get violent. Imagine a film documenting a trip from Texas to Florida – Knoxville wouldn’t have made it halfway across Texas without losing a few teeth, getting shot or both. And Florida…don’t get me started on those crazy fucks down in Florida.

Please, please, PLEASE go see Bad Grandpa…but don’t forget to wear a diaper.


The Haunted Trailer

Not enough farts. Definitely needed more farts.

Just kidding, there were plenty of farts in The Haunted Trailer – farts in practically every scene. I love farts. My best friend also loves farts. (When we get together with some Burger King Onion Rings…watch out!) My eight year old son loves farts, probably because he is eight years old, but also because he is my son. Really, who DOESN’T love farts? If you say you don’t love farts, you’re LYING. Farts make the world go around.

Oh yeah, we were talking about The Haunted Trailer…we were lucky enough to catch a showing at Frightmare a few weeks ago. Every year, it’s our goal to find a film that will equal Black Devil Doll. Last year, we were left disappointed, finding nothing that could equal the greatness of Mubia Abul-Jama. This year, we hit gold…brown gold. To think we almost missed The Haunted Trailer! We accidentally ended up in the showing of The Last Something of Rosalind Somebody and as soon as they started introducing it so earnestly as a masterpiece, we got the fuck out of there. Luckily, we didn’t miss any of The Haunted Trailer…

I’ll be honest, Ron Jeremy was the main draw for The Haunted Trailer. Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about The Hedgehog. I’ll watch anything with The Hedgehog. We even own a copy of John Bobbitt Uncut. So it goes without saying that the Haunted Trailer was a must-see. We were pleasantly surprised at how hilarious it was. Even without Ron, it would have been a winner. Demons…trailer trash…farting – it’s like this film was made for us. A trailer trash family must battle a demon with a familiar name (well, familiar if you’ve ever drank the water in Mexico) that has taken up residence in their single-wide. I’ll leave the description at that – I don’t want to ruin the shocking lengths this family must go to to remove this demon from their home. You’ll laugh…you’ll groan…you’ll shit your pants.

I was proud to find out that this film was created right in my backyard. My heart swells with pride to know that there are other people like me, living stealthily in my community, making quality entertainment. We’re hidden in plain sight, taking our kids to the same parks as you, shopping at the same stores and eating at the same restaurants. The only difference is that when we have to fart, we don’t run to the bathroom and hide. No, we’re proud of our digestive systems. We don’t shy away from the amazing way our bodies have evolved to efficiently remove the build-up of methane. We let it rip, have a laugh and move on. Someday, there’ll be more of us than there are of you…

I can describe this film in one sentence. Pink Flamingos meets Poltergeist. When this film comes out on DVD, I’ll be shoving it down the throat of anyone I can find.


Is it any wonder that when I got married, I had no bridesmaids, no bridal shower, and almost none of the normal shenanigans that accompany most weddings? (I DID have a bachelorette party, an amazing bacchanalian event that I barely remember, although I’m not quite sure if the faded memory is due to the ravages of time…or the massive amounts of illicit substances ingested therein. Seriously, my friends make Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms look like pussies.)

In any case, the reason I shied away from these “normal” hallmarks of the wedding celebration is quite simple…they make women INSANE. And I don’t mean just the bride, weddings make every woman within six degrees of separation of the event a certified nutjob. I’d argue that although weddings do spawn Bridezillas…(I’ve dealt with one before), the bigger impact is felt on those surrounding the bride. Even more so than pregnancy, weddings seem to bring out the worst in women…jealousy, envy, petty behavior, competition…basically, weddings turn women into petulant two year olds. This is the universal truth that Bridesmaids reveals…weddings turn women into cunts.

You think cunt is a strong word? I almost got shanked while buying my wedding dress, because I dared buy the sample off the rack and this lady demanded to try on my dress before I purchased it. I told her FUCK no, mostly because she looked like she smelled and I didn’t want pit stains on my dress. Also while prepping for my wedding, a close friend tried to talk me out of marrying my husband because he didn’t meet her bizarre education qualifications. A few friends just invited themselves to my destination wedding, because surely, I had made an oversight. Oh…and that I should foot the bill. Seriously, I wish there was a stronger word than cunt.

Actually, there may be a stronger word than cunt…that word is Helen. Everyone has a Helen in their life…not necessarily in the context of the movie, where Helen is a new friend driving a wedge between old friends, but in the context of a friend who is so much better than you, that you feel like total shit every time you’re in her presence. We all have Helens…that friend whose house is decorated so much better than your plain white walls…that friend whose kids are in every activity and excel at ALL of them…that friend who still looks like a supermodel, even after shitting out a kid…that single friend who loves to tell you how awesome not having kids is. All Helens. Do they know they’re making you feel like shit? Probably…and they’re probably doing it because another Helen made THEM feel like shit. While planning a bachelorette party years ago, getting every idea that I had shot down by a friend who was so much more hip than me, I realized that I wasn’t having fun any more. So I surrendered and just agreed with everything she wanted. When I arrived at the party, I was so irritated that it was almost impossible to have a good time. She insulted my shoes, my house, my car…but kept telling me how pretty my children are. Apparently, the only thing I have to be proud of is my prizewinning crotchfruit. I did what Maya Rudolph suggested Kristen Wiig should have done in the movie – I just sucked it up and talked about that bitch behind her back. Oh, how I wish I had mustered up the guts to just fling all the organic appetizers to the ground and tell her to go fuck herself…but I didn’t. And I probably never will, although it’s a nice fantasy – one of those things that only happens in movies.

Now that I’ve vented a bit, I can actually talk about the movie. I hesitate to compare Bridesmaids to The Hangover, because although both films revolve around wedding preparations, they’re really about two totally different things. Bridesmaids is about women’s relationships and how they sabotage themselves and each other. The Hangover is about…getting fucked up and shirking adult responsibility. Both films are hilarious and raunchy, but Bridesmaids succeeds on a higher level.

Melissa McCarthy deserves every bit of praise she received for her role as Megan. She is utterly fearless. I read somewhere that she modeled her character on Guy Fieri. Every time I think about it, I giggle.

I think I hate Rose Byrne. But not sure if it’s because she’s Helen or because she always looks like she is silently accusing you of farting in her presence. “How dare you fart in the presence of Rose Byrne!”

So…I’ve had the song ‘Hold On’ stuck in my head for about a week. (The last time that happened was 2005.) I don’t know how I still know all the words, but I do. Isn’t there something I can take to kill those specific brain cells?

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

I didn’t think that I would ever see a more incongruous act than Doogie Howser, M.D. doing a fatality on an evil henchman, but I’d have to say that Doogie Howser snorting coke off a girl’s bum, while hanging out of the sun roof of a moving car, takes the cake.

Far be it from me to define a movie by its cameos, but there you have it. A movie’s hilarity may well be directly proportional to the outrageousness of said movie’s cameo by Neil Patrick Harris. I think I’ll call it the Doogie Theorem.

Time for the inevitable comparison and contrast to Dude, Where’s My Car?. Yeah, they’re definitely buddy quest movies about potheads, but the similarities mostly end there. Whereas Jesse and Chester are total idiots and stereotypical potheads, Harold and Kumar are cut from a different cloth entirely. Both are college graduates – Harold is gainfully employed as an investment banker and Kumar is, although not willingly, in the process of selecting a medical school. Although the story structure and pacing are similar, their accomplishments are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. While Harold and and Kumar grow as individuals once they achieve their goal of White Castle burgers, Jesse and Chester merely achieve bigger breasts for their girlfriends upon finding their car.

The only part of the film that I thought was flat-out stupid was the cheetah riding. Everything up to that point was kosher – Battleshits, Freakshow’s horny wife, even the escape from jail – but the cheetah ride was a bit much. I don’t know why, cheetah riding just rubs me the wrong way?

There are areas of my brain filled with knowledge that I didn’t even know was there. For instance, did you know that I know all the words to Wilson Philip’s Hold On? I didn’t know either until Harold and Kumar started singing it and I found myself singing along in my head. At least I had enough presence of mind not to do in front of my friends. That would have been very un-knobby-like behavior!

Since I live in the south, we don’t have White Castle here, but I have it on good authority that those tiny little burgers are pretty nasty. Now, the grocery store carries a frozen version – but seriously? Who would eat that? In any case, back in college, I remember finding myself on epic quests like Harold and Kumar’s on a regular basis. One memorable trip was in search of a chinese joint called Fang Ti, which supposedly had “moonlight buffet til four AM.” Riiiight. We never did find it, but apparently, it does exist. Heh.


Dumb & Dumber

Even though I’ve spent the better part of a decade claiming up and down that I would never ever watch Dumb & Dumber, I finally relented and watched it this weekend. Oh, the things you’ll agree to when your mother asks…

It was funny, I guess. I did laugh at a few parts – like the bird and the blind kid and when they got pulled over by Harland Williams. I also laughed at Lloyd’s dream sequence…not because Jim Carrey was particularly funny, but because I’m pretty sure that’s every guy’s perfect fantasy. I did not laugh at the pooping scene. I did not laugh at any of the faces that Jim Carrey made, but I did laugh at his chipped tooth. Supposedly that’s really Jim Carrey’s chipped tooth.

I spent most of the movie mystified by Lauren Holly’s hair. The color and texture of her hair have never occurred in nature – of this I am quite sure.

It would have been funnier with anyone else besides Jim Carrey though…like Adam Sandler. Or Chris Farley. Or even Carrot Top. And I HATE Carrot Top.


Van Wilder

National Lampoon is back – and they’re out for blood!

The National Lampoon franchise has been in decline for a number of years. The last one I even bothered to see was Senior Trip, which I never get tired of for some reason. In a bid to regain new followers and possibly win back some of the older crowd that loved Animal House, Van Wilder has been created to fill the shoes that Eric Stratton left behind.

It would be boring and DONE BEFORE to simply compare Van Wilder to Animal House. Of course, there are similarities – that’s the whole point. There are similarities to a number of recent campus comedies of late – Road Trip, Dead Man on Campus…the list goes on and on. What I really see is a simple cross-pollination of two movies – Billy Madison and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Van Wilder’s got the cult of personality of Ferris Bueller and the school issues and fear of growing up of Billy Madison. Throw a bit of Real Genius and Back to School and that’s the entire script.

Not that it wasn’t fun – Van Wilder has now surpassed American Pie and Road Trip as the grossest comedy ever. I had nightmares about the dog jizz donuts. I’ll bet that dog could give Walt Flannigan’s dog a run for the money! I was less impressed by the colon blow episode – it was done better in American Pie. The old lady seduction was also very similar to one in Kingpin – was that the same old broad? All in all, there were very few new gags, but there is only so much the American censors will take before the reviled NC-17 is bestowed.

The one thing wrong with the film was Tara Reid. Have I told you how much I hate Tara Reid? I mentioned it in my review of Josie and the Pussycats – she is just repulsive. Besides the obvious flatness to all characters she has ever played – she is scary looking. She has the body of a twelve year old boy – how that could ever inspire an erection is beyond me.

Another disappointment was the supposedly “unrated” DVD version I saw – what was so unrated about it? I am guessing that some of the “bonus” footage was that of the doggie love scene and maybe some dirty talk…but it wasn’t the big deal it was supposed to be. I was confused as to how the unrated topless tutor scene was so…unrated. Now if the guy would have been naked….

Worth borrowing from a friend…I wonder if PETA protested those prosthetic doggie nads?