Dead Ant

 

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Never pee on an ant on sacred Native American lands after taking cursed peyote.

I mean, that’s just common sense, right? Well, apparently, the members of 80s Glam Rock Band Sonic Grave do not have any common sense. And especially don’t buy Peyote from the guy who played Horse on Twin Peaks. He will totally fuck you over.

I only recorded this because Sean Astin & Jake Busey are in the band…and their manager is Tom Arnold. And still, with those low expectations, I was still disappointed.

The film was pretty boring and dumb, but there are moments that had me guffawing. The end is pretty funny because you finally get to hear the band play. They suck so bad, that the giant killer ants commit suicide to escape their shitty music. Sonic Grave does have a song that isn’t shitty – it’s called “Side Boob” and it’s a pretty good jam.

Leprechaun Returns

 

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A direct sequel to the first Leprechaun, would you be surprised to hear that Jennifer Aniston is nowhere to be found?

You know who WAS around from the first film? Ozzie, better known as Francis in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Turns out that Jennifer Aniston’s character died of cancer, so her daughter comes back to the VERY SAME HOUSE, which is now an environmentally conscious sorority house. It’s exactly 25 years later, and very bad Leprechaun things start to happen…

I was ready to be fiercely loyal to Warwick Davis’s portrayal of our Leprechaun hero, but it turns out that the new Leprechaun, played by Linden Porco, was pretty consistent with the OG Leprechaun. He was silly and brutal and full of limericks.

This one character gets stoned and yells at goats. I feel that in my bones. She also takes a Leprechaun selfie – that must be some goooood shit. And then this other guy takes a leprechaun selfie – and he wasn’t even high. What the fuck is wrong with kids today?

There were some good chuckles in this one, like when the Leprechaun finds some Crocs and gets offended. He wasn’t impressed by their Prius either.

Unlike the abominable Leprechaun: Origins, Leprechaun Returns is a throwback to the original Leprechaun films and is a worthy installment in the series. There are a few major laughs and a few truly stomach churning moments.

Victor Crowley

 

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My husband records the weirdest movies.

At first I thought it was a typical slasher movie, but then it went all meta, a survivor writing about a massacre ten years ago and then a group of kids making a film about the events…what events?

Turns out Victor Crowley is the fourth film in a series. I’ve never even heard of the Hatchet series, but apparently, there were three of them before this one. How have I never heard of them???

Was that Jonah Ray in the cold open? IMDb says yes. Look for Felissa Rose (Angela in Sleepaway Camp!) as Andrew’s publicist. Q from Impractical Jokers also has a starring role. Tony Todd was there – blink and you’ll miss it.

Pretty funny for a slasher film. Equal opportunity when it comes to nudity – there were tits and a weener. Victor Crowley also perpetrated some of the most awesomely brutal death gags I’ve seen in a long time – like TROMA level gags. Have you ever seen a killer rip someone’s arm off, shove it up their cooter so hard, that their cell phone comes out their mouth? Me neither! Now I need to check out the first three…

A Tale of Two Coreys

I felt dirty just watching this.

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Lifetime is already known for shitty, exploitive “biopics”, like the ones they did on Saved by the Bell and Full House. This one goes one step further into the abyss, by skipping past petty grievances and hook-ups, straight into sexual molestation and ODs. Corey Haim is show getting molested on the set of Lucas within the first five minutes of the film. The production was ultra-low budget, with whatever budget available bei g used on multiple Corey Feldman wigs. For real, that kid had a new ridiculous wig in every scene.

So. Much. Cocaine. Maybe they were going for a Less Than Zero vibe, but it was more like an Afterschool Special. I swear Sam Kinison gave them coke in one scene – no one called him Sam Kinison, but his look is pretty specific. They partied at the “Playpen” Mansion. It was so weird, but I guess they had to legally protect themselves. There were no scenes with Charlie Sheen, etc.

With Corey Feldman himself onboard as Executive Producer, most of the blame is pushed onto either his parents or Haim. I don’t doubt that both Coreys were used by EVERYONE as they sought stardom – their parents, their handlers, their hangers-on – essentially every adult they came into contact with. But films like this don’t shed any light on the situation, nor prevent it from happening in the future. I’m curious as to whether Feldman will ever get funded for his “Truth” documentary on Hollywood pedophiles. I’m expecting not, nor am I expecting any true revelations, as long as he can continue to book interviews with Dr. Oz. Sigh.

Get Him to the Greek

Why does Russell Brand have a career again?

Seriously, I don’t get it – he’s not all that funny. And when he is funny, it’s so far over the line, that he’s guilted into apologizing for it later. (His Jonas Brothers jokes, for example…) He should take a page from Ricky Gervais and Sacha Baron Cohen and not apologize for shit.

I was worried that I hadn’t seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall yet, but it didn’t really matter. Maybe I’ll change my mind, if I ever watch it. You’d think that the promise of male full frontal would do it for me, but none of the reviews of Jason Segel’s penis were positive. Speaking of penises, I’m glad that Russell Brand didn’t reveal his. He’s so gross, in my mind’s eye, I’m picturing it as resembling Gonzo’s nose – purple and misshapen. I need eye bleach.

As annoying as Russell Brand is, I found myself laughing all the way through this movie…although that could have been because I was watching it with my best friend. We could be watching paint dry and it would be hilarious. My daughter was almost scarred for life while we were watching it though…she was running around the house, coloring and playing, not at all paying attention to the movie. But wouldn’t you know it, the exact moment she chooses to climb into my lap and cuddle was during the scene where someone is waving around a giant fucking dildo! I did what any good mother would do…I turned her around in my lap, cupped her cheeks while simultaneously covering her ears and started kissing her all over the face. She was so confused by this unsolicited display of affection that she ran out of the room. I deserve an award.

The funniest scenes were the ones involving The Jeffrey and the furry wall. I’m pretty sure I had a Jeffrey (not on purpose) back in college. I almost passed out in an Albertson’s, trying to buy a pack of gum. For some reason, most of my craziest college adventures involved a trip to Albertson’s – like the time we decided to randomly give “employee of the month” awards to the night stockers.

So I’ve watched Get Him to the Greek and Grandma’s Boy – I think that Amy still wants me to watch White Chicks, Bad Teacher and Easy A…but I draw the line at Valentine’s Day.

 

Grandma’s Boy

The good thing about having friends – besides getting into shenanigans – is forcing them to watch movies you love. So after forcing Amy to watch Carrie (They’re all gonna laugh at you!), she forced me to watch Grandma’s Boy. She’d been after me for probably a year to see it, even lent me the DVD, but I never got around to watching it. (I did, however, get around to watching the Shorty Mac DVD. My response to that horrorshow was a text message that said, “Fuck you.”)

Grandma’s Boy is like an Adam Sandler movie, except without Adam Sandler. It was made by Happy Madison Productions and has the usual Adam Sandler co-stars, so I might as well put it into that category. Alex loves his grandma just as much as Happy Gilmore and he’s just as immature as Billy Madison, so it fits. They’re all pretty much the same movie, when you think about it…

More Nick Swardson! I don’t necessarily want to watch him starring in a film – Bucky Larson looks pretty shitty – I just want him in a large supporting role. Preferably one where he is acting creepy as fuck. That’s what I liked about Pretend Time ans Reno: 911 – he was always creepy as fuck.

I laughed quite a bit – this is one of those films I can see watching again, but not alone. You HAVE to have someone else there, laughing with you.

 

Pineapple Express

“I just don’t think this kind of shit is as funny as you do…” Oh really? Why are you laughing your ass off, then?

My husband did have a point – this is exactly the kind of shit that I think is funny. Friday, Half Baked, Super Troopers, Jay & Silent Bob…all rate rather highly with me. True, I am a long way past my Pineapple Express days (There’s a time and place for everything children and that’s COLLEGE), but I can still appreciate the humor inherent in Stoner Movies.

Seth Rogen is the mastermind behind Pineapple Express, supposedly inspired by Brad Pitt in True Romance. I can totally see that, but a true homage would have included the honey bear. Just sayin’. Anyway, Seth played an excellent straight man to James Franco’s Saul. (I totally knew a guy like Saul back in the day – you UTDers know who I mean.) I have to admit that Franco is growing on me. I was a total hater after Spider-Man, but by Spider-Man 3 I was warming up to him. After watching him host SNL, I became a total fan. Rumor is, he’s gonna star in the Planet of Apes prequel reboot. I’m in.

Gary Cole plays the bad guy again…why is he so good at being bad? I’ve got a theory – it’s his hair. Gary Cole’s hair is evil. From A Simple Plan to Office Space to Desperate Housewives, his evil hair stole the show. But put a wig on him and he’s Mike Brady, as good and wholesome as they come. It’s the hair, just watch out for his hair…

The Asians were a good choice for Ted’s nemesis – the usual old Cartel wouldn’t have been nearly as funny as the silent, but deadly assassins that were sent to take him down. Bobby Lee was easily the best thing about MadTV and Ken Jeong is the second best thing about Community – the first, of course, being Joel McHale’s…hair. What! My husband is gonna read this!

Thumbs up for Pineapple Express, I guess I need to get around to watching Knocked Up and The Hangover now. Oh, and yes please to a sequel. Also, BEST use of Electric Avenue EVAH!

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Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

While it’s not at all considered bad taste to like The Beatles, The Bee Gees or Peter Frampton individually, it is most definitely bad taste to like watching Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

I had the bright idea to turn Friday nights into “Movie Night” for my kids, intending to show them the films that I loved as kid. The inaugural film was Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, a musical mashed together out the titular Beatles’ album, plus Abbey Road. Peter Frampton stars as “Billy Shears,” the lead singer of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” The rest of the band is played by The Bee Gees as “The Hendersons” and his girlfriend is “Strawberry Fields.” George Burns is “Mr. Kite.” The villain is “Mean Mr. Mustard.” There’s also a “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” Alice Cooper is Father Sun, AKA “The Sun King.” Steve Martin is the highpoint in his manic turn as “Maxwell.”

My four year old son did not give a shit about any of the film, except the scene with Steve Martin performing “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.” His eyes were glued to the screen and his only words were, “I want to be him!” In retrospect, I should have asked him why…I suspect it was because he was hitting people on the head with a hammer.

The first time I ever saw this film, I thought it was part of a fever dream when I had the chicken pox in second grade. My sister and I were stuck at home for a whole week, all we could do was watch TV and scratch ourselves. I remember watching it on the Channel 13 Million Dollar Movie and falling in love. (Don’t judge me, I was 8 years old!) Eventually, I recorded it and watched it ad nauseum for a few years. I loved the soundtrack and had it on cassette. In college, I bought the soundtrack on pristine vinyl at Half Price Books…but I hadn’t seen the film in almost 20 years until this viewing – I’ll be the first to admit that it was extremely painful to watch. It was even worse than I expected. I had forgotten that there is no dialogue, the story is advanced via the songs and narration by George Burns. I was rather surprised by all the pot smoking in a PG film, but it would be easy enough for a child to overlook. Surprisingly, the music still holds up – especially Aerosmith’s cover of “Come Together,” which I actually prefer to The Beatles’ version. My son’s only other comment during the film was “I want long hair,” after seeing Steven Tyler performing. Hmmmm…

The finale of the film is a living, singing version of the cover of the Sgt. Pepper album, with the cast and a bunch of people who were famous in 1978, but are probably dead now. Except Carol Channing – she’s not dead yet? Oh yeah, I think Tina Turner is still alive, too.

In summary, movie night was a success, but I’m not so sure that my kids were too happy about my film choice. Next up, Howard the Duck.

    

The Serpent and the Rainbow

For the longest time, I thought this film was about vampires.

For years, the poster for The Serpent and the Rainbow hung in the window at Showtime Video and creeped the bejesus out of me. (This is Waller we’re talking about – the posters only got changed when they were stolen or someone peed on them.) The poster has Bill Pullman coming out of a coffin, in whiteface makeup, with what looks like blood on his forehead – totally vampires, right? WRONG – it’s about zombies and voodoo. I don’t know what serpents and rainbows have to do with zombies and voodoo – or vampires, for that matter, but I guess it’s a better film title than “Bill Pullman Goes to Haiti and Gets a Railroad Spike Through His Penis.”

Or maybe it was through his balls, I couldn’t really tell through all the wiggling and screaming. In any case, my husband was NOWHERE to be found during this scene, with good reason. Any time this film is mentioned in male company, the atmosphere turns somber – eyes are cast downward and the head shaking begins. Nothing makes a man turn introspective quite like damage to the babymaker.

Other than the aforementioned peepee skewering, The Serpent and the Rainbow is pretty boring stuff. The zombies do not eat brains. The Voodoo Master is pretty scary, but mostly because he has crazy eyes. The drug induced nightmares are kind of whacked out – they seem like what some of my friends report after taking Ambien. Maybe that shit was scary in the 80s, but we’ve got bigger fears in the 00s – drywall that emits a toxic gas, Chimpanzees ripping people’s faces off and Octo Mom. That’s WAY fucking scarier than a crazy voodoo master with smokebombs and a railroad spike.

  

The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years

Before there was Celebrity Rehab, there was The Decline of Western Civilization II: The Metal Years.

If the last decade of knobbygirl-ness proves nothing else, it proves that I’ve got an overdeveloped sense of schadenfreude. I fucking love watching people embarrass themselves – especially celebrities. It’s even better when they’re getting paid for it.

VH1 certainly owes it’s current “celebreality” success to Penelope Spheeris’ 1988 documentary on the L.A. Metal scene. The defining scene is Chris Holmes of W.A.S.P., giving an interview from a pool float, while finishing off three bottles of vodka. The interview ends when he pours the rest of a bottle onto his face and he sinks to the bottle of the pool. I’m assuming that someone pulled his ass out of the pool shortly after, because he’s still around. You gotta wonder how much of it was staged. There’s a similarly embarrassing cooking scene with Ozzy Osbourne that is completely staged to make him look like a complete brain dead burnout. It’s obviously the prototype for The Osbournes. There are a bunch of other band interviews – KISS, Alice Cooper and Poison – there was already something obviously wrong with Bret Michael’s hair. Everyone seemed pretty confident that there was no end in sight to their success…

Metal was neatly killed by grunge a few short years after this documentary came out. I hesitate to link the documentary to the rise of grunge – none of my friends were watching fancy documentaries back in High School, we got our music from the radio and to a lesser extent, MTV. Obviously, consumers have little input to what gets played, the record companies decide that with their payola system. So really, the record companies are the ones that pushed metal to the wayside to make way for grunge. In any case, metal is still around (although primarily on VH1, the former home of Michael Bolton and Celine Dion). Where’s grunge? Most of the players are either dead or in Pearl Jam, which is pretty much the same thing.

Speaking of killing a music movement…Maybe Penelope Spheeris should get out there and make a Part IV about Emo.

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

CUH! CUH! CUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

HWAAAA! PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Sorry, that was the sound of me laughing really hard, lapsing into a coughing fit and spitting into a wastebasket. Say what you want about 80s Hair Metal, at least it wasn’t as boring as Emo. Chicks don’t show their boobs to Fall Out Boy or My Chemical Romance! Who would even bother watching a documentary about Emo? Emo fans are all too busy hanging out at Hot Topic and updating their MySpace profiles. (Yes, I buy my children clothes at Hot Topic and I have a MySpace profile. Schadenfreude!.)