Santa Jaws

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Lara (@knobbygirl) on

What in the shit?

Rest assured, Santa Jaws is exactly as bad as I thought it would be. I had zero expectations going in, expecting some mindless, season-appropriate entertainment on Christmas night and this film fulfilled those expectations.

This kid gets a magic pen and it brings drawings to life, so he draws “Santa Jaws”, a killer shark that wears a Santa hat on its fin. Santa Jaws comes to life and eats his Grandpa, and then slowly works his way through the rest of the kid’s family and friends.

Throughout the film, Santa Jaws also acquires a Narwhal-like peppermint horn and festive teeth made out of Christmas lights. The protagonists attempt to conquer Santa Jaws with baked turkeys full of gunpowder. What kind of Christmas party requires 3 baked turkeys and several buckets of gunpowder? Outside of Texas, of course – that’s a totally normal party set-up here in the Lone Star State.

Per my husband, Santa Jaws is one of THE WORST films he has ever seen on SyFy and he has seen them all, from Mansquito to Sharknado.

On a side note, I found “Santa Jaws” wrapping paper on post-Christmas clearance at Target today. I totally bought it.



The 12 Disasters of Christmas

Of course, everyone knows that the world is ending in a few short days…on December 21, 2012. How do we know that it is ending? Because that’s when the Mayan Calendar supposedly ends, so of course, that must be the absolute end of the world…as opposed to when they basically just ran out of room on their stone tablet. (In any case, if the Mayans were so good at predicting the future, how did they not see the Spaniards coming? Riddle me that, Batman!)

Not to be outdone by the 2009 John Cusack disaster epic 2012 (which I still haven’t seen, but I’m considering watching it on New Year’s Eve), the SyFy Channel has released a more timely take on the impending apocalypse. Not only do they get points for timing, but they actually incorporate Christmas into the proceedings. How, you ask? By constructing a ridiculous explanation that the apocalyptic disasters that are occurring were detailed in the song…The 12 Days of Christmas. Yes, the Mayans originally wrote that song to warn us about the 12 disasters of the apocalypse. As the original lyrics aren’t all that scary, instead of “lords a leaping” and “pipers piping” – we get ice chunks falling from the sky and dead birds. Oh and a impenetrable forcefield around the town that seems to have been stolen from Stephen King’s ‘Under the Dome.’ At least there ARE five golden rings in the story. I would have been more entertained if the filmmakers had tried to keep the disasters more in line with the song, like killer french hens and attacking turtle doves.

The key to averting the impending apocalypse is a teenage girl named JC who doubles over with severe ovary pain whenever she’s in the presence of the aforementioned golden rings. (Shades of the original Buffy?). It took me over half the film to realize that JC’s parents are named Mary and Joseph…of course they are. The bad guy’s name is Kane…but isn’t that a different bible story? There’s also a Jude. That makes a little more sense.

So this movie has it all: the apocalypse, Christmas songs and a Jesus parable. But guess what? It still sucks!

The Hebrew Hammer

The Hebrew Hammer has possibly replaced A Christmas Story as my all-time favorite Christmas movie.

The Hebrew Hammer is a far cry from being just another spoof film. This is not another I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. The Hebrew Hammer functions as more of a tribute than a spoof, filling a void left between Austin Powers and Undercover Brother, although I seriously doubt that there is enough gas left in the subject matter to warrant more films in the franchise.

Adam Goldberg, not to be confused with Jonathan Silverman of Weekend at Bernie’s fame, stars as Mordechai Jefferson Carver, The Hebrew Hammer. The Hammer is a Certified Circumcised Dick – that’s detective to you gentiles. As the first Jewish Superhero, he is the defender of all that’s kosher. When Santa is murdered by his evil son Damien (Andy Dick, how I loathe you), The Hammer must prevent Hanukkah from being destroyed.

As much as I DO hate Andy Dick, he did a bang up job as Damien. Dick is as his best when playing a total dick, pardon the pun. Not only does he have his father, the current Santa, killed, he is a racist, misogynist pig. Strangely enough, he is also having an affair with Tiny Tim. Yes, THAT Tiny Tim.

The most intense scenes are the ones with The Hammer’s mother, played with every stereotype in mind by Nora Dunn. The yelling, the screaming and the guilt are amazingly realistic. I could have done without the cat in the diaper, though. Fucking nasty.

What is it with Comedy Central and midgets? First The Man Show and Insomniac, then Knee High PI, now The Hebrew Hammer has a midget cornucopia in Santa’s Workshop. Well, it IS a Christmas movie. Christmas movies keep midget actors in demand.