The 12 Disasters of Christmas

December 19, 2012

Of course, everyone knows that the world is ending in a few short days…on December 21, 2012. How do we know that it is ending? Because that’s when the Mayan Calendar supposedly ends, so of course, that must be the absolute end of the world…as opposed to when they basically just ran out of room on their stone tablet. (In any case, if the Mayans were so good at predicting the future, how did they not see the Spaniards coming? Riddle me that, Batman!)

Not to be outdone by the 2009 John Cusack disaster epic 2012 (which I still haven’t seen, but I’m considering watching it on New Year’s Eve), the SyFy Channel has released a more timely take on the impending apocalypse. Not only do they get points for timing, but they actually incorporate Christmas into the proceedings. How, you ask? By constructing a ridiculous explanation that the apocalyptic disasters that are occurring were detailed in the song…The 12 Days of Christmas. Yes, the Mayans originally wrote that song to warn us about the 12 disasters of the apocalypse. As the original lyrics aren’t all that scary, instead of “lords a leaping” and “pipers piping” – we get ice chunks falling from the sky and dead birds. Oh and a impenetrable forcefield around the town that seems to have been stolen from Stephen King’s ‘Under the Dome.’ At least there ARE five golden rings in the story. I would have been more entertained if the filmmakers had tried to keep the disasters more in line with the song, like killer french hens and attacking turtle doves.

The key to averting the impending apocalypse is a teenage girl named JC who doubles over with severe ovary pain whenever she’s in the presence of the aforementioned golden rings. (Shades of the original Buffy?). It took me over half the film to realize that JC’s parents are named Mary and Joseph…of course they are. The bad guy’s name is Kane…but isn’t that a different bible story? There’s also a Jude. That makes a little more sense.

So this movie has it all: the apocalypse, Christmas songs and a Jesus parable. But guess what? It still sucks!

Year – 2012
Rating –
Runtime – minutes
Genre – Holiday Disaster
Director(s) – Steven R. Monroe
Writer(s) – Rudy Thauberger
Actor(s) – Ed Quinn, Magda Apanowicz, Holly Elissa, Ryan Grantham, Andrew Airlie
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote –