Friday the 13th: Part III

 

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Although released to the theaters in 3D, Part III is one the most boring installments in the series.

The film wastes so much time with the motorcycle gang. Why even bother having them harass the kids at the convenience store, other than to show what pussies the kids are? Or maybe it was just an excuse to add some unsympathetic victims to the body count? Or a deus ex machina to get gasoline out of the van?

This is the film that gives Jason his iconic Hockey Mask, stolen from Shelly, the prankster.

The final girl, Chris, had previously survived an encounter with Jason in the woods…but when was that? Was it in-between the first and second films, when he was mourning his mother? And why is she imagining Mrs. Voorhees (with her head) dragging her into a lake at the end?

We DVRed this one for the kids off SyFy and it’s edited all to hell. We actually got the whole series, up to Jason X in one shot…so I guess they’ll miss out on all the good stuff.

Friday the 13th Part 2

 

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So my DVR is doing this weird thing, where shows disappear and reappear at random. I had recorded this for the us to watch on the last Friday the 13th, but it had disappeared. Lily was devastated…and then – I shit you not – it reappeared on Saturday the 14th. I don’t even fucking know…sometimes I think the DVR is fucking with us on purpose.

ANYWAY…the first sequel to the most prolific horror franchise (so far) starts right where the last one left off. The first five minutes is a brief recap of how the first film ended and the PTSD that the final girl is still experiencing…and then she gets a knife in the head. Well, who could’ve done that? She beheaded Mrs. Voorhees in the first film…oh, it’s her son, Jason. He wants revenge for the death of his mom, who died seeking revenge for the death of her son…seems like a bit of circular logic, huh?

I totally forgot that Jason wore a bag on his head in this one…the hockey mask doesn’t become part of his outfit until the third film!

A few interesting kills, but fairly boring, as far as slasher flicks go. The best part is the “mommy shrine” – I hope my kids build one for me when I die!

Friday the 13th

There’s nothing like introducing your children to a cinema classic…yes, this Friday the 13th, I’ve started the kids on Friday the 13th…

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I haven’t decided for sure, but there’s a slim chance that they might go to some kind of camp this summer…I want them to know the consequences of their promiscuity! (Just kidding, I’ll make sure my 10 year old has a few boxes of condoms packed.) Growing up a bit poor, I didn’t have much “Camp” experience – just a single weekend at a church youth camp, the highlight of which was a dumb as kid trying to smoke pine needles. But movies like Friday the 13th and Sleepaway Camp make it look like so much fun! I’ve always had serious “Camp” envy, even though I hate going outside. So ironic!

Kevin Bacon stands alone as the single big star to come out of this film…not to mention the only guy that gets to come in the film (ba DUM dum). His later success was like a clarion call to young actors that they could star in horror films and still have a stellar career – not to mention a cool party game named after them.

Having been about 20 years or so since I’ve watched Friday the 13th intentionally, I’d forgotten that it dragsssss…even so, I’ll stand by it as revolutionizing the horror genre as a money making franchise machine. I also stand by the ending of the film as one of the wildest twists in film history – I love it!

Stan Helsing

Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface and Michael in a movie together? It’s like a horror fan’s wet dream, right?

Not so fast…it’s not really Jason, his name is Mason. And that’s not Freddy, it’s Fweddy…and why is he wearing Flavor Flav’s clock? Is that a yarmulke on Michael Myers head? And why is Pleatherface (not Leatherface) wearing a Coach Purse on his face? Because Stan Helsing is basically Scary Movie 5, that’s why.

Stan Helsing is loosely parodying Van Helsing, except Stan isn’t hunting vampires and werewolves – he’s hunting 80s horror movie characters. Stan works at Schlockbuster Video (like I did!) and on Halloween night, he is ordered to drop off some videos to the owner’s mother. Stan talks his best friend (SNL’s Kenan Thompson) into detouring to make the delivery while on the way to a Halloween party. That’s when things started to get fucked up.

I was expecting a comedy, but wasn’t expecting the full Scary Movie parody treatment. In fact, if it was made by the Producers of Scary Movie, why didn’t they just call it Scary Movie 5? Licensing maybe?

There was one scene that terrified me more than anything I’ve seen recently…the scene where the Stripper/Massage Therapist is stuck in a pipe and a mouse crawls all over her vagina. Yeah, she’s wearing underwear, but that thing was sniffing and scratching and poking everywhere…If Freddy, I mean Fweddy, was gonna give me nightmares, THAT’S what would send me over the edge – vermin in my vagina. (I wonder what would happen if I google “vermin in my vagina”? Let’s see what the first result is… Holy. Fucking. Shit.)

About half the film is really lame, especially the karaoke ending – but the other half is actually pretty funny. I’d rather watch Stan Helsing 100 times than have watch Van Helsing again just once.

 

Jason X

You know, it’s really sad when a movie has to stoop to ripping off the plot of a Leprechaun flick, namely Leprechaun 4: In Space.

Yes, Jason Voorhees is treading on territory that has already been explored by the Leprechaun. How sad is that? Couldn’t they come up with anything better than that for Jason’s 10th outing?

Is it obvious that I didn’t really enjoy this film very much? It pretty much sucked. The writers must have thought they were forging ahead into new horror territory – they were sadly, sadly mistaken. Simply putting Jason on a spaceship doesn’t freshen up the franchise, it simply opens up a whole new world of cliches to be used and abused. Take a few incompetent space marines, add a money-grubbing Paul Reiser type and exchange the alien for Jason Voorhees and that’s this movie in a nutshell.

I don’t know if I am turning prude in my old age, but I was severely creeped out by the suggestions of android sex. Maybe it’s because that guy was having sex with such a butt ugly android…I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I could have done without any allusions to dirty android humping.

There were a few good moments, I must admit. The only cool death was the first scientist’s…Jason dunked her head in liquid nitrogen and shattered it – nice! David Cronenberg’s cameo was also a cool touch, as was the Crystal Lake Virtual Reality program – “We love premarital sex!” I guess I’m just easily amused.

I wonder if Jason’s next appearance will be in ‘da hood? I don’t see why not – the leprechaun has already been there twice.

 

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Crispin Glover. Crispin. Fucking. Glover.

Okay, I guess you can tell why I stayed up until 4:35 in the morning last Friday night, watching this crap. I had to see how Crispin Glover died. Unfortunately, he was one of the last to go, so I figured I might as well tough out the last fifteen minutes and watch it till the end. He got corkscrewed, in case you’re interested.

There were many fine moments of Crispin Glover-ness in this installment of the Jason series. By far, the best is his dance scene. Words cannot describe the dancing that took place. There was just a glimmer of Groovin’ Larry, but mostly Rubin. (You know, Rubin and Ed!) Crispin also got laid! He was the guy who got laid, there’s always one in a slasher flick – and this time it was Crispin! So impressive. I did feel cheated by the skinny dipping scene. Everyone but Crispin went skinny dipping in the lake! I got to see the skinny guy from The Last American Virgin’s ass, but not Crispin’s. What were they thinking?

So if Crispin Glover starred in this movie, why is the rating only 2 BOBs? I’d have to say that the mere presence of Corey Feldman negated any bonus BOBs that Crispin might have added. Even though The Final Chapter was made way before Feldman was ‘one of the Coreys’ – but still…he is so damn obnoxious! And why did he get to be the one that killed Jason? Why? Couldn’t Crispin have killed him? Crispin could have killed Jason with a single kick of his platform shoe…but I digress. The end was really disturbing, what with Corey shaving his head and dressing up like the young mongoloid Jason. I do not understand the twisted ‘psychology’ behind that move, but apparently it worked.

Even though I was watching this on a Cable Movie Channel (Showtime, I think), it seemed like the movie was all cut to hell. There was very little blood and gore and there seemed to be little pay-off to Jason’s mutilations. After checking IMDb, it does appear that the studio version was greatly cut. I feel very little motivation to search out an uncut version. I don’t think I could make it through this movie again.

So…this was only the fourth movie and they labeled it as the “final chapter.” I hope no one back in ’84 was gullible enough to believe that. There’s been seven more already…and after the success of Freddy Vs. Jason, I’m sure there will be more.

Freddy Vs. Jason

Where was all the blood? There was more blood in the credit sequence than in the whole rest of the movie! I’ve been waiting for this movie for almost a decade and that’s all the blood I get?

Regardless, it was a decent flick. It was about what I had expected. Freddy was his usual witty self and Jason was his usual mute psychotic self. I expected Freddy to bit a bit funnier. Ronny Yu was responsible for Bride of Chucky, possibly one of the funniest slasher flicks ever made! There was definitely more humor to be had in this situation.

I was not prepared, however, to see Freddy the rapist. He was pretty nasty in previous films, but he was a total sex criminal in this one. It’s one thing for him to be banging a dead chick – it’s not necrophilia if you’re both dead – but he was really about to get it on with Lori. Man, I wish he would have!

Yes, that skank from Destiny’s Child dies. Unfortunately, it’s not soon enough for my taste. “How sweet, dark meat” has got to be one of the most bizarre things to ever come out of Freddy’s mouth.

The character of Freeburg is a total ripoff of Jay, as in Jay and Silent Bob. They made the character as much like Jay as the could without getting their asses sued off by Kevin Smith. And what was up with the Freddy Caterpillar? That was the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in a Freddy movie. If I was worried about Psycho Killers, the last thing I’d fucking do is accept a bong hit from a fucking caterpillar!

There will be a sequel. Notwithstanding the fact that the ending is left wide open for a sequel, the box office performance alone is ensuring that a sequel will be made. When was the last time a slasher flick was number one at the box office for 2 weeks in a row? I was probably still wetting the bed the last time that happened. Okay, maybe that’s not as narrow a time frame as I am looking for…Anyway, I’ve heard rumors that there has been talking of teaming Jason and Freddy up against Ash. Yes, that Ash. Evil Dead Ash. I doubt Bruce Campbell would ever go for it, but you never know if he might have some bills to pay. For my money, I’d like to see a full on Tag Team Death Match – Freddy and Jason Vs. Chucky and The Leprechaun. A girl can dream, can’t she?