Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

October 7, 2003

Crispin Glover. Crispin. Fucking. Glover.

Okay, I guess you can tell why I stayed up until 4:35 in the morning last Friday night, watching this crap. I had to see how Crispin Glover died. Unfortunately, he was one of the last to go, so I figured I might as well tough out the last fifteen minutes and watch it till the end. He got corkscrewed, in case you’re interested.

There were many fine moments of Crispin Glover-ness in this installment of the Jason series. By far, the best is his dance scene. Words cannot describe the dancing that took place. There was just a glimmer of Groovin’ Larry, but mostly Rubin. (You know, Rubin and Ed!) Crispin also got laid! He was the guy who got laid, there’s always one in a slasher flick – and this time it was Crispin! So impressive. I did feel cheated by the skinny dipping scene. Everyone but Crispin went skinny dipping in the lake! I got to see the skinny guy from The Last American Virgin’s ass, but not Crispin’s. What were they thinking?

So if Crispin Glover starred in this movie, why is the rating only 2 BOBs? I’d have to say that the mere presence of Corey Feldman negated any bonus BOBs that Crispin might have added. Even though The Final Chapter was made way before Feldman was ‘one of the Coreys’ – but still…he is so damn obnoxious! And why did he get to be the one that killed Jason? Why? Couldn’t Crispin have killed him? Crispin could have killed Jason with a single kick of his platform shoe…but I digress. The end was really disturbing, what with Corey shaving his head and dressing up like the young mongoloid Jason. I do not understand the twisted ‘psychology’ behind that move, but apparently it worked.

Even though I was watching this on a Cable Movie Channel (Showtime, I think), it seemed like the movie was all cut to hell. There was very little blood and gore and there seemed to be little pay-off to Jason’s mutilations. After checking IMDb, it does appear that the studio version was greatly cut. I feel very little motivation to search out an uncut version. I don’t think I could make it through this movie again.

So…this was only the fourth movie and they labeled it as the “final chapter.” I hope no one back in ’84 was gullible enough to believe that. There’s been seven more already…and after the success of Freddy Vs. Jason, I’m sure there will be more.

Year – 1984
Rating – X
Runtime – 90 minutes
Genre – Horror, Jason
Director(s) – Joseph Zito
Writer(s) – Barney Cohen
Actor(s) – Crispin Glover, Corey Feldman, Lawrence Monoson, Judie Aronson, Kimberly Beck
BOB Rating – Two BOBs
Favorite Quote – "Jesus Christmas! Holy Jesus God damn! Holy Jesus jumping Christmas shit!" - Axel (Bruce Mahler)