Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Seriously? THIS is the best they could come up with?

A bunch of pirates racing to find the fountain of youth? If pirates wanted to live forever, wouldn’t they take better care of their eyes and teeth? To be fair, it does pick up right after the third one left off, but still…

Was anyone surprised that losing Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley had no effect on the franchise whatsoever? No one ever gave a shit about their characters anyway, they were just filler. It was odd that the filmmakers didn’t even bother to allude to them, then again, their lives in between conjugal visits would be pretty boring…

I don’t particularly care for Penelope Cruz, mostly because she is not Salma Hayek…but also because she always looks like she is smelling a fart. Honey, that look is not sultry…it’s stinky.

I’ve got to mention the evil mermaids – they freaked my four year old’s shit OUT. She’s going through a mermaid phase right now, between her Mermaid Barbie and some movie with Dora saving mermaids that she’s watched no less than 300 times. She kept asking if those mermaids were mean. I wanted to tell her that they’re pissed off that they have to be in this stupid, shitty movie, but I restrained myself. Being a good parent is hard.

My husband thinks that this one was slightly better than the second and third ones, but I’m not so sure about that. The plot was only slightly less confusing, or maybe I was just not paying attention while playing Words with Friends on my phone. I’m sure I will pay just as little attention to the fifth one when it comes out…

Honestly, I’ll watch and somewhat enjoy pretty much ANY movie that has Johnny Depp in a cool costume. On Stranger Tides was at least less tortuous than The Astronaut’s Wife or The Ninth Gate.