Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Oh, Tim Burton, you’re like a tampon…when you do your job well, I love you…but when you fuck up, I hate you and I swear I’ll never trust you again….

Visually stunning as Alice in Wonderland was, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was watching twenty pounds of shit in a ten pound bag. Tim Burton can’t stop taking stories we all know and love and cramming them with so much backstory that you sit there, annoyed as hell, hardly able to enjoy the ride. I’ve complained about this beforeI’ve complained about this and not known what I was complaining aboutSometimes it doesn’t bother me at all. I just need to come to terms with the fact that the days of Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands are gone and Tim Burton is just going to keep on remaking old films and TV shows, thinking that he’s doing us a favor by adding in all the parts that he thinks were missing before. Imagine how inflamed I would be if I had even read any of Lewis Carroll’s books or even particularly liked the boring Disney version…

One more complaint…I CANNOT stand it when a film uses the “was it all a dream?” thing. Even if it is my most beloved film of all time. If I wanted that shit, I’d watch reruns of Dallas or Roseanne or Newhart.

Anne Hathaway looked like shit. Was she supposed to look like shit?

I could have done WITHOUT having to hear Avril Lavigne during the end credits. That song fucking sucks.

Okay, enough venting – I don’t have only bile and hate for Alice in Wonderland. How often do I get to see Crispin Glover and Johnny Depp in a film together? It’s been a decade and a half since Dead Man, people! Even longer since Gilbert Grape. I’ll pretty much tolerate anything with either of them in it…but BOTH at the same time? Elation!

True confessions time…I liked last year’s SyFy mini-series version (Alice) better. So, sue me – it’s heresy, blah, blah, blah….Alice’s steampunk world is what Tim Burton should have made. Either that, or gone totally Blade Runner. THAT would have gotten me excited….