Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Who hasn’t fantasized about the entire cast of The Jersey Shore being eaten by sharks? I know I have. I have never seen a single episode of The Jersey Shore – I watch the Soup, so I get the highlights. Except for the Kardashians, I can’t think of a more deserving group of douchebags to be eaten by sharks. Not that I want innocent killer sharks to be infected with whatever variety of sexually transmitted diseases that are rampant among residents of The Shore, but surely the world would be a better place without all that fist-pumping and Ed Hardy?

You’ll be as disappointed as I was if you watch Jersey Shore Shark Attack. While the characters are direct parodies of the real Jersey Shore douchebags…instead of being victims, they are the heroes of the film. “Nooki”, “The Complication” and friends do not get eaten by sharks. It’s a small consolation that Joey Fatone does get eaten by a shark. (Anything that potentially prevents an NSYNC reunion is good thing.) And one guy who actually was on The Jersey Shore – Vinnie G. – gets chomped as well…but the rest of those assholes live happily ever after. Fuck that.

 

Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Honestly, that should be the entire body of my review, but after such a lazy review of Æon Flux, I figured I should work a little harder…although it’s not like I get paid by the word to entertain my readers. Or get paid AT ALL for that matter…besides, it’s going to take a lot of persuading to get the average person to make it past the opening credits of Poolboy. It’s not so much the credits that may drive folks away, as Steel Panther’s theme song, Donkey Freedom. I’ve said too much already – I don’t want to ruin it.

Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury is either a homage to or satire of cheesy 80s action flicks…or maybe a little of both. Set up as a film made in 1990, but deemed too offensive to release, Kevin Sorbo stars as Bando the Poolboy. Bando returns from the Vietnam War to find that his wife has shacked up with a Mexican poolboy. The way Bando sees it, not only have Mexicans taken all the pool boy jobs, they’ve taken all the women, too. Bando then goes on a Rambo-esque rampage to kill as many Mexicans as he can…it’s easy to see how this film gets offensive pretty quickly.

As ridiculously funny as the plot is, I found myself laughing more at the fake narrator cut scenes by the “director” Saint James St. James (pronounced Saint James Street James). The eye-patched St. James provides trivia about the making of Poolboy and offers deleted scenes. Most of the deleted scenes involve extra nudity…male full frontal nudity. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Machete ironically stars as the leader of the Mexicans, but I was more amused by Robert LaSardo’s brief cameo. You may know him as Horatio’s nemesis on CSI: Miami, but I will always remember him as Escobar on Nip/Tuck. He is one scary motherfucker. Hanging with Mr. Cooper also has a cameo, as well as Jan Brady. Not THE Jan Brady, but the remake Jan Brady. Oh, and Jay is in it! No Silent Bob though…

I’ve got to thank my friend, Ric, without whom Poolboy would’ve never crossed my radar. I forced my husband to watch it based on his recommendation alone. Likewise, I’m sure that Ric thanks me for introducing him to the magic that is Black Devil Doll. You’re welcome.

Stan Helsing

Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface and Michael in a movie together? It’s like a horror fan’s wet dream, right?

Not so fast…it’s not really Jason, his name is Mason. And that’s not Freddy, it’s Fweddy…and why is he wearing Flavor Flav’s clock? Is that a yarmulke on Michael Myers head? And why is Pleatherface (not Leatherface) wearing a Coach Purse on his face? Because Stan Helsing is basically Scary Movie 5, that’s why.

Stan Helsing is loosely parodying Van Helsing, except Stan isn’t hunting vampires and werewolves – he’s hunting 80s horror movie characters. Stan works at Schlockbuster Video (like I did!) and on Halloween night, he is ordered to drop off some videos to the owner’s mother. Stan talks his best friend (SNL’s Kenan Thompson) into detouring to make the delivery while on the way to a Halloween party. That’s when things started to get fucked up.

I was expecting a comedy, but wasn’t expecting the full Scary Movie parody treatment. In fact, if it was made by the Producers of Scary Movie, why didn’t they just call it Scary Movie 5? Licensing maybe?

There was one scene that terrified me more than anything I’ve seen recently…the scene where the Stripper/Massage Therapist is stuck in a pipe and a mouse crawls all over her vagina. Yeah, she’s wearing underwear, but that thing was sniffing and scratching and poking everywhere…If Freddy, I mean Fweddy, was gonna give me nightmares, THAT’S what would send me over the edge – vermin in my vagina. (I wonder what would happen if I google “vermin in my vagina”? Let’s see what the first result is… Holy. Fucking. Shit.)

About half the film is really lame, especially the karaoke ending – but the other half is actually pretty funny. I’d rather watch Stan Helsing 100 times than have watch Van Helsing again just once.

 

Death to the Supermodels

While I appreciate the idea of supermodels having toxic booty gas, nappy underarm hair and hidden penises, it’s just not enough to base a movie on.

The world’s five top supermodels travel to a remote tropical island for a photo shoot, where they get picked off by a serial killer. Is it the annoyingly perky magazine editor? Is it one of the Siegfried and Roy-esque fashion photographers? Or could it be one of the remaining models, secretly harboring a hidden agenda?

I prefer bitchy and evil Jaime Pressly to perky and neurotic Jaime Pressly. It’s just not fun. You know who’s good at perky and neurotic? Parker Posey. She alone could have made this film a cult classic. It could have been another Psycho Beach Party, which coincidentally also stars Kimberley Davies.

How little I cared about the ending was surprisingly proportionate to how much sense it made. It seems that the writer of the film just didn’t give a shit about denouement and wrote a quick scene explaining the murders while taking a particularly horrible Taco Bell dump. So the film ended up being one big Rosie O’Donnell dyke joke. That’s what I get for picking a movie soley based on the appearance of Wee Man.

Date Movie

This movie was not made for me.

It’s not that I don’t like spoofs or parodies – normally I do. It’s just that it’s hard to enjoy a parody of films you know nothing about. I know jackshit about chick flicks and rom coms. I intentionally avoid films starring Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock or Renee Zellweger – unless, of course, a chainsaw is involved. I’ve only seen three of the romantic comedies spoofed in Date Movie – Meet the Parents, Napoleon Dynamite and Say Anything. (Yes, I’ve seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but they are hardly romantic comedies, unless you’re counting the dirty gay hobbit sex.) There were plenty of gags to laugh at, but I suspect that some went right over my head, since I don’t have a clue about the source material.

Jinxers the cat, based on the toilet trained cat in Meet the Parents, was the star of the movie. Whether he was suffering from explosive diarrhea, gnawing on grandma’s corpse or making out with the cat lady, Jinxers was a scene-stealer. His star quality is sure to bring him oodles of film roles.

Alyson Hannigan was cute as the film’s heroine – not many ladies could have pulled off the goofy stunts that she was expected to take seriously. She seemed to enjoy getting sprayed in the face with hummus and having to wear a big latex fatsuit. I cry a single silent invisible tear every time an actor or actress dons a latex fat suit. Where is their dedication to their craft? Actors and actresses are quite thrilled to point out in interviews how they lost 25 pounds for a role or worked out for three months straight to get into shape…but the only ones willing to eat a bunch of donuts for a role are Renee Zellweger and Tom Hanks. (John Travolta doesn’t count – I don’t think he’s trying to look like that.)

Sophie Monk looks like an alien. Or maybe like one of those Bratz dolls after it’s been dipped in olive oil and put in the microwave.

At least Date Movie was mercifully short. I don’t actually recommend watching it on a date though – it probably won’t get you laid like Pretty Woman or When Harry Met Sally or Bridget Jones’ Diarrhea.

Totally Awesome

VH1 finally ran of material for their I Love the 80s series, so they threw up their hands in defeat and made a movie instead.

The most 80s thing about this ‘teen’ movie is the fact that there are no teens in it. The youngest one is 23 – how authentic. Tracy Morgan is damn near 40 – but it doesn’t matter, because he was the best thing about the movie. I now have the urge to walk up to complete strangers and say, “Peek-a-boo, I’m going to hump you!” That would probably get me arrested, huh? No, I changed my mind – the ‘Oriental Mentor’ being a pedophile – THAT’S my favorite part.

Chris Kattan’s feather mullet is glorious. Chris Kattan’s tango (not to be confused with Mango) pants are glorious. Chris Kattan’s tongue-tastic makeout sessions with Dominique Swain – ehhhh…not so much. They’re almost as disturbing as the slimy lesbian kissing scene in Not Another Teen Movie.

Speaking of that other 80s teen movie spoof…Totally Awesome is not Not Another Teen Movie. True, both cover some of the same ground. Both poke fun at 80s teen movies, but Totally Awesome sticks to the 80s, while Not Another Teen Movie pokes fun at the 90s teen films as well. Totally Awesome is a kinder, gentler type of parody, more in the Mel Brooks mold. Not Another Teen Movie is definitely on the raunchy side – think Scary Movie or The Naked Gun. The biggest difference is Totally Awesome’s total lack of irony and self reference. Totally Awesome really does come across as an authentic 80s teen flick, while Not Another Teen Movie never lets the viewer forget that they are watching an adult parody of films made for teenagers.

I wouldn’t mind if VH1 made several more movies like this. How about an 80s sex romp modeled after Porky’s and Hardbodies? Or maybe one modeled on those bullshitty After School Specials. Even a spoof of the 90s teen revival might work, but what I’d really like to see is a weekly TV show spoofing 90s teen TV like Beverly Hills 90210, My So-Called Life and is it too soon to include Buffy?

Student Bodies

Before Scary Movie, there was Student Bodies.

I certainly don’t mean to imply that Student Bodies invented the horror spoof – or even perfected it…both honors that belong to Mel Brooks. But it definitely holds a special place in my heart – because it’s just SO FUCKING GOOFY. The rubber chicken? The horsehead bookends? The body count? Malvert?

The key to the movie is Malvert. Without Malvert, the movie is nothing. Or to be more precise, without Malvert’s bizarre double joints and red pee – the movie is nothing. That dude is barely human. Using an actor solely for his or her disgusting and abhorrent physical appearance is wrong – but effective. How else can you explain Pamela Anderson’s career longevity?

Another thing that stands out about Student Bodies is the ridiculous amount of product placement throughout the film. Dr. Pepper and Kentucky Fried Chicken figure largely in almost every scene. These days, product placement of that magnitude would cost millions – back in the 80s, it probably cost free soda and chicken for the duration of the shoot.

Around the same time that Student Bodies was released, a similarly themed spoof called Pandemonium was also released. Having remembered watching Pandemonium repeatedly as kid, but not remembering the name, I was under the impression that I had seen Student Bodies as a kid instead, until I saw a bit of Pandemonium on cable a few years ago. I then realized that I *did* see Student Bodies for the first time in college. The total lack of memory was NOT because I was stoned – I really had never seen the movie at all. I’m hoping to catch Pandemonium again in full, as to do a full comparison. The obvious difference is that Student Bodies has a cast of unknowns and Pandemonium was full of B-List Celebrities like as Tom Smothers and Eileen Brennan. I’m not quite sure how that translates to quality – in all likelihood, it doesn’t.

The Pirate Movie

I brought the newly released DVD with me on my most recent trip home. My sister and i asked my mother if she wanted to watch The Pirate Movie with us. “The one with Johnny Depp?” “No, The Pirate Movie.” “The one with Kristy McNichol? Ohhhh….”, she replied, almost crestfallen. Well, who doesn’t prefer Johnny Depp to that dude from The Blue Lagoon? That’s totally beside the point!

Even though this was one of my favorite movies growing up, it had been at least a decade, decade and a half since I had seen it. I certainly was not prepared for how cringingly bad The Pirate Movie really is. After less than five minutes, I couldn’t stop myself from yelling at the TV, “This is so fucking gay!” Seriously – Richard Simmons would call these pirates a bunch of faggots. Even so, I kept on watching, relishing every bad joke, every homoerotic pirate moment. One by one, they fell asleep – my mother, my sister, my father – until only I was left. (Actually, I’m not sure if my dad was asleep or in a state of suspended animation – he has this weird ability to avoid any ‘offensive’ TV selections by pausing whatever he’s doing and falling into a slumber-state that can last seconds or hours, only to pop back into consciousness and pick up right where he left off when the credits roll. Thank god he quit smoking in the house.) I felt bad about making my very manly father sit through the gayness that is The Pirate Movie for about 5 minutes – that is until I recognized the movie he selected to watch after I went to bed. Expecting the usual Hitler Channel bullshit, I was very surprised to hear Bjork coming from the other room – he was watching Tank Girl. I can only assume that he was only watching it for the tanks?

Gayness be damned, this is still a kickass movie. Admittedly, I now mean that ironically, whereas I recall actually thinking this was a good movie back in the day. But what does a seven year old know about camp? Why don’t people dress up and perform this movie like Rocky Horror? I admit, Christopher Atkins isn’t much of a gay icon – but how about Kristy McNichol? Didn’t she come out of the closet?

Knowing that I was going to be writing a review of this movie as I was watching it, I tried to cast a critical eye, while keeping my memories in mind. A few things jumped out at me. First off – this is one of THE worst edited films I have ever seen. Seriously, the continuity fairy was nowhere to be found on this movie set. Second, I still can’t figure out if Christopher Atkins and Kristy McNichol did their own singing. I’m fairly sure that they aren’t doing their own singing – but then again, wouldn’t they have hired better talent if that was the case? And what was with the random underwater animation sequence? Dancing fish – what the fuck? Another nagging question – was I imagining the homoerotic subtext of the pirates? They seemed intentionally gay, but then again, I think ALL pirates are, by definition, gay. Finally – why the heck did they get married at the end? They didn’t even know each other! AND WHY DIDN’T ANY OF THESE THINGS BOTHER ME BEFORE? WAS I RETARDED?

And for those of you keeping score in the ongoing Ninja vs. Pirate discussion – these totally gay pirates totally kick some Ninja ass – see, I told you so! Advantage, Pirates…

Now that I own The Pirate Movie on DVD, my only wish is to own the soundtrack. You bet your ass I’d sing along to it in the car.

Club Dread

If it weren’t for Super Troopers – then I wouldn’t be forced to start every single paragraph of this review with “If it weren’t for Super Troopers…”

If it weren’t for Super Troopers – Club Dread might have had a chance to actually stand on its own as a funny film. It certainly had funny moments – even a few hilarious ones…but it just didn’t live up to the high standards of Super Troopers. Maybe the strict precept of parodying horror movies got in the way of the aimless pitstops that made Super Troopers so fucking amazing? Or maybe it was just the fact that I wasn’t high…the world may never know.

If it weren’t for Super Troopers – maybe I would have believed that Lars was some kind of Orgasmic Wonder Masseuse – but I just couldn’t stop seeing him as Farva. Farva cannot give *anyone* an orgasm with the touch of his finger, much less a hot Aerobics Instructor. I guess that’s the problem I had with all the characters – I couldn’t put aside their Super Troopers characters long enough to give them a chance to become their new Club Dread characters. I suppose “Juan the Goat Fucker” came the closest, but the rest of the characters weren’t as well characterized. And Putman was just downright STUPID. That accent drove me crazy – I wish he would have gotten killed off a lot sooner.

If it weren’t for Super Troopers – I wouldn’t be quite so disappointed in the soundtrack to Club Dread. (I have been unable to find a copy of the Super Troopers soundtrack to listen to, but since it’s mostly Southern Culture on the Skids, it’s got to kick ass.) Island music is fine and all – but I just want the Coconut Pete Songs. The Coconut Pete songs were hands down the best part of the film – especially Pina Coladaburg, written a full seven years before Margaritaville!

If it weren’t for Super Troopers – I probably wouldn’t even CONSIDER going to see the new Dukes of Hazzard movie…but it’s gonna be directed by Jay Chandrasekhar – so there’s a good chance it will be funny. I’m definitely not going to let the mediocrity of Club Dread drive me away from his other films…I’ll give him a few more chances…

 

Play-Mate of the Apes

Get your damn paws off me, you damn dirty dyke!

That’s what I would have said if I was in this movie. Very disappointing for late night Skinemax – well, I would have been disappointed if I could stop laughing.

Three lesbian astronauts crashland on the Planet of the Apes, during rug-munching, of course. The Captain looks like a 13 year old prostitute and her two lieutenants are even scarier – a Russian chick with a glitter and blue fingernails and an even scarier skank with a bitched boob job and enough collagen in her lips to float an intertube. Serioosly, her lips looked like a duck’s bill. Anyway, they crash and eat more carpet until they are found by the Apes. They’re taken hostage, where they mingle bodily fluid with other human female captives.

Dr. Cornholeous and Dr. Queerus (a huge pink gay Orangutan) are convinced that humans are equal in intelligence to Apes. Their adversary, Captain Laid, think that humans are soul-less…because they have no soul. As in, they can’t dance! And then the musical numbers start…

I am NOT making this up! Seriously, I couldn’t make up anything this bizarre. There was no human ape action. That’s just wrong. The only reason I sat through it was for some bestiality! If that wasn’t bad enough, all the sex scenes were lesbian. Nothing against lesbians, but I like a little man ass in my Skinemax. The lesbian scenes were sub-standard anyway. All they did was lick each other’s thighs – they were no where near a vagina at any point in the whole movie!

I could tell you the ending, but that would just ruin it for you. Aw hell, you’ll never watch it anyway. After an uprising, then peacemaking and the Missing Link Rap – yes, I said RAP – the lesbians escape the Planet of the Apes…and crash-land on the Planet of the Chickens. So that means a sequel is WIDE open.