Getting Schooled

The Breakfast Club meets Apocalypse Now – how’s that for a fucking amazing tagline?

The people who brought us The Haunted Trailer were back at Frightmare with another locally made horror film. I was tentatively afraid that Getting Schooled would be a rehash of Haunted Trailer, but it was totally different in tone and content. Lucky Chucky is no one-trick pony. Yes, it’s horror and yes, it’s funny…but there wasn’t a single fart joke in the whole film. Not even a church house squeaker.

A brain. A princess. A criminal. An athlete. A basket case. Yes, all accounted for in this detention class…a detention class in the 80s. (As an aside, the decrepit school used was excellent. If this school is still in service, I feel pity for the students that must cope with the creepy dark hallways on a daily basis.) It’s quite appreciated that the cast is much more diverse than John Hughes whitebread high school. They even mixed up the sexes a little, which was also appreciated. As the film starts off, each of the stereotyped characters acts as you would expect…but when things start getting scary and the characters are under pressure – each of them begins to show strengths outside of their stereotyped area. Of course, this also happens in The Breakfast Club, but I’d argue that in Getting Schooled, the stakes are higher and it’s easier to show how smart the criminal is or what a good leader the basket case is.

Without giving too much of the fun away, Tom Long is as horrifying as he is hilarious as the addled Mr. Roker. Who knew that a Vietnam Vet in a wheelchair could be so scary? (Actually, after all the time I’ve spent at the VA with my Dad over the past few months, I should hardly be surprised. I’ve seen some shit, man.) The single scariest part of Mr. Roker was the sound of his squeaky wheelchair, coming for blood. It’s right up there with “Ch Ch Ch Ch, Ah Ah Ah Ah” and creepy music boxes.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Ron Jeremy as the school’s janitor. It would have been great to see him in a larger role, but even a little hedgehog makes a film better.

The scenes with the principal were actually the funniest. He never interacts with the students, he just fucks around in his office all day…actually what I always envisioned. I knew they didn’t do shit. Oh! And he also called me a RETARD! I’m so fucking honored! (As part of their fundraising efforts last year, you could submit a headshot and the Production Team would give you an 80s makeover and put you in their yearbook . I thought it was just for a prop and forgot about it…but my 80s yearbook photo made into the film! So the principal could call ME a RETARD. Fame is fleeting…)

A solid horror film and somewhat rough around the edges…but the laughs and scares come at an even pace and I never felt bored. I was pleased in the order of the murders…they killed the most annoying characters first. Getting Schooled is currently showing at festivals and conventions, but hopefully it will be available on DVD and streaming soon. You need to see this flick!

The Haunted Trailer

Not enough farts. Definitely needed more farts.

Just kidding, there were plenty of farts in The Haunted Trailer – farts in practically every scene. I love farts. My best friend also loves farts. (When we get together with some Burger King Onion Rings…watch out!) My eight year old son loves farts, probably because he is eight years old, but also because he is my son. Really, who DOESN’T love farts? If you say you don’t love farts, you’re LYING. Farts make the world go around.

Oh yeah, we were talking about The Haunted Trailer…we were lucky enough to catch a showing at Frightmare a few weeks ago. Every year, it’s our goal to find a film that will equal Black Devil Doll. Last year, we were left disappointed, finding nothing that could equal the greatness of Mubia Abul-Jama. This year, we hit gold…brown gold. To think we almost missed The Haunted Trailer! We accidentally ended up in the showing of The Last Something of Rosalind Somebody and as soon as they started introducing it so earnestly as a masterpiece, we got the fuck out of there. Luckily, we didn’t miss any of The Haunted Trailer…

I’ll be honest, Ron Jeremy was the main draw for The Haunted Trailer. Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about The Hedgehog. I’ll watch anything with The Hedgehog. We even own a copy of John Bobbitt Uncut. So it goes without saying that the Haunted Trailer was a must-see. We were pleasantly surprised at how hilarious it was. Even without Ron, it would have been a winner. Demons…trailer trash…farting – it’s like this film was made for us. A trailer trash family must battle a demon with a familiar name (well, familiar if you’ve ever drank the water in Mexico) that has taken up residence in their single-wide. I’ll leave the description at that – I don’t want to ruin the shocking lengths this family must go to to remove this demon from their home. You’ll laugh…you’ll groan…you’ll shit your pants.

I was proud to find out that this film was created right in my backyard. My heart swells with pride to know that there are other people like me, living stealthily in my community, making quality entertainment. We’re hidden in plain sight, taking our kids to the same parks as you, shopping at the same stores and eating at the same restaurants. The only difference is that when we have to fart, we don’t run to the bathroom and hide. No, we’re proud of our digestive systems. We don’t shy away from the amazing way our bodies have evolved to efficiently remove the build-up of methane. We let it rip, have a laugh and move on. Someday, there’ll be more of us than there are of you…

I can describe this film in one sentence. Pink Flamingos meets Poltergeist. When this film comes out on DVD, I’ll be shoving it down the throat of anyone I can find.

The Boondock Saints

I was riveted before the credits started. Fucking shit, how did I not see this when it came out? Or at least any time in the last 12 years?

Now I understand the long line to see Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flanery at Texas Frightmare Weekend. I was pretty sure it wasn’t because of Blade II or Mongolian Death Worm, but I didn’t fully understand until I saw the film. They were like modern day superheroes, taking out the mob in the name of the lord. I questioned their inclusion in a Horror Convention, but truth be told, the body count was higher than most horror movies. I stopped counting at 30…

Sean Patrick Flanery *would* have been dead fucking sexy if I hadn’t shared an elevator with him at Frightmare. He’s not freakishly short or Tom Cruise tiny, but he is a small, thin man. Also, no neck tattoo in real life…

Every single person in the film smokes. This film should have a Surgeon General’s Warning, because it is dangerous to my health.

I could have used subtitles…I know I missed half of what the McManus Brothers were saying…dirty Irish mumblers.

Ron fucking Jeremy! And Jeanna Fine! Erin and I LOVE her! She is the star of our favorite porn scene EVER…the one in the barn…you know the one…

“I can’t believe that just fucking happened!” Do I need to start a new list for Pussy Trauma?

Willem Dafoe…I have no words for his performance. He kept surprising me, over and over and over again. I can’t say more, can’t spoil any of his surprises…

So there’s a sequel that came out within the last few years…it’s on the DVR, waiting for me. It

 

One-Eyed Monster

I never thought I would see the day where I was reviewing a film starring Ron Jeremy’s penis.*

One-Eyed Monster is about exactly what you THINK it’s about – a killer penis. It’s not just any penis; it’s about one of THE most famous penises of all – Ron Jeremy’s penis. Ron stars as himself, an over-the-hill porn star out on location shooting his newest feature. While outside getting some air between takes, a strange light in the sky zaps his crotch and the whole thing goes downhill (or uphill, depending on your point of view) from there. Much like the King Missile song, Detachable Penis, Ron’s penis “goes rogue” and starts taking out cast and crew alike.

Like most horror movies, the filmmakers try to hold out suspense and not let you see the One-Eyed Monster until the end. We were rather disappointed when Ron Jr. did make his appearance. I was expecting a magnificent penis monster, like the one in Tromeo and Juliet, but instead, their special effects guy just headed down to the local sex shop and plunked down $50 for a big rubber dildo. It wasn’t even veiny!

The cast is composed of unknowns, with a few strange exceptions. The last time I saw Amber Benson was as Willow’s girlfriend on Buffy (not a big Buffy fan myself, but my husband was). Since her resume is longer than one paragraph, she gets to live to set up a sequel. Charles Napier is a veteran character actor that must operate on the same principles as Christopher Walken when it comes to choosing roles, which is to take every role offered, no matter what. I’ve got to admit though, his monologue on encountering similar pen-apocalypse in Vietnam was the best part of the film.

Ladies, I’ll leave you with a parting thought. Practice your kegels – you never know when superhuman vaginal strength will come in handy.

* I never said that I had never seen a film starring Ron Jeremy’s penis, merely that I had never reviewed one. Now that I think of it, Ron Jeremy has several films worth reviewing…John Bobbit Uncut is definitely a classic. Stay tuned….

Terror Firmer

Vile. This is the vilest film I have ever seen.

So, of course, I liked it. I had been waiting to see it for a while. It never came out into the theaters in Dallas, I checked. It just came out on video/dvd in January, so I tried to order it from Amazon. Hopelessly back ordered. I ordered it from Digilot – back ordered. I even tried to order it from Troma – but their online store was broken – ASP errors everywhere. I finally broke down and got it off eBay – for about list price….and Saturday night, I watched it for the very first time….

Terror Firmer is the story of a film crew just trying to “make some art.” The director, played by Lloyd Kaufman (founder of Troma, father of Toxie), is blind and his 12 year old daughter (played by Kaufman’s real-life daughter, Charlotte) is mute. A serial killer terrorizes the set, hilarity ensues…average Troma fare? Nope, it’s weirder.

A woman gets de-fetused, a guy gets killed with a bong up the butt, another gets eaten by an escalator…and the killer is a little confused about his sexuality…and even worse, his favorite director is Speilberg. I don’t want to ruin the film for you by telling you too much about the killer, but if you’ve seen the trailer, it’s already ruined – it pretty much gives the film away.

Again, there are lots of cameos. Ron Jeremy makes an appearance, though his cock doesn’t…wait! It kind of does…eeewwwwwww! Lemmy is back as well…so are Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

Lemme tell you, the dvd is loaded with extras – it’s a 2 disc set, with commentaries, deleted scenes, a making-of and a video game. I haven’t even gotten through the whole thing yet.

The film would have gotten a higher rating for the gore factor alone, but there were parts that were slow and just made no sense. It took a good half hour for the film to get going. The fore-shadowing was good, I even think I may have missed a few things. Maybe after a few viewings, who knows – I may change the rating.

 

Orgazmo

Written by, directed by and starring South Park co-creater Trey Parker…Oh, what a heavy burden to bear. The pressure to supply big laughs must be an almost unbearable burden by now. But probably not….

Trey Parker is a Mormon missionary in LA. He gets talked into being a porn star – because he needs the money to pay for his wedding. He doesn’t have to sin though, to do this – they will just use a ‘stunt cock.’ STUNT COCK? His sidekick, Choader Boy, is played by Little Bitch from BASEketball. He has 2 PhDs from MIT, but has become a porn star because he is…well, he’s Little Bitch. Matt Stone, the other half of South Park, plays cameraman Dave, who’s not queer or nuthin’ – but he thinks Depeche Mode is really kewl…

Ron Jeremy (troll with a big dick) is in this film. I met Ron Jeremy once. Me and Erin went to New Fine Arts to meet him. (Christy Lakes was also there and she hit on us, too.) Anyway, we made the mistake of giving him our phone numbers. He left dirty messages on our answering machines. Mostly because we were too afraid to actually pick up the phone. He wanted us to come and party with him at Eden 2000 (if you know the Dallas area, you know that Eden 2000 was the lamest teenybopper club in the Metroplex.) We didn’t answer our phones for a week after that…

Anyway, back to Orgazmo. Very, very funny, though not quite as funny as BASEketball. Really it is not fair to compare Orgazmo to BASEketball, because BASEketball is a Zucker film and an entirely different type of film. Orgazmo got screwed by the MPAA. It got a rating of NC-17, but was barely and R-rated film. You only get to see breasts ONCE in the entire film. There are a helluva lot of dildos in the film, but that is about it. Boogie Nights has a 18 inch prosthetic penis for Markie Mark and gets an R rating. A couple dildos and Orgazmo gets NC-17…I don’t get it.