The Lost Boys

 

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Would you believe I practically had to threaten my crotchgoblins to sit down on the couch with me and watch The Lost Boys?

For the boy, I wanted him to see the greasy sax man. He’s a budding musician – with several saxophones – and I wanted him to enjoy the greasy musical icon. The girl though…she has recently started devouring young adult vampire romance novels, plus all the Twilight movies. Which is fine…but…but…I cannot handle the fact that her only vampire knowledge is that glittery pussy in Twilight. I’ve got to help her before it’s too late!

Strangely enough, I don’t have any sentimental memories about seeing The Lost Boys as a kid. I know I saw it and enjoyed it, being a “Two Coreys” aficionado – but no big life moments I associate with the film. I did get a chuckle, remembering the WILD filming stories depicted in the Two Coreys movie, however.

My favorite theory floating around right now is that Sam is gay and vampires are gay and the 80s were gay and the film is a metaphor for sexual awakening. There are hundreds of articles and posts about it (here’s a link to one of my favorites).  That weird bubble bath scene kinda cements it for me…

Ultimately, I feel like my mission was a success – both children “said” they enjoyed the film. The girl is now rabidly consuming all the vampire flicks she can get her hands on. We’ve already watched Interview with the Vampire and From Dusk Til Dawn is next. (Undecided as to whether I’ll torture them with BSD.) The boy…well…he’s decided that he wants to bleach his hair white-blond like Keifer Sutherland. At least they both now understand why I have skulls and antlers hanging on all the walls – you never know when you’re gonna need to impale a vampire in your living room!

Totally Awesome

VH1 finally ran of material for their I Love the 80s series, so they threw up their hands in defeat and made a movie instead.

The most 80s thing about this ‘teen’ movie is the fact that there are no teens in it. The youngest one is 23 – how authentic. Tracy Morgan is damn near 40 – but it doesn’t matter, because he was the best thing about the movie. I now have the urge to walk up to complete strangers and say, “Peek-a-boo, I’m going to hump you!” That would probably get me arrested, huh? No, I changed my mind – the ‘Oriental Mentor’ being a pedophile – THAT’S my favorite part.

Chris Kattan’s feather mullet is glorious. Chris Kattan’s tango (not to be confused with Mango) pants are glorious. Chris Kattan’s tongue-tastic makeout sessions with Dominique Swain – ehhhh…not so much. They’re almost as disturbing as the slimy lesbian kissing scene in Not Another Teen Movie.

Speaking of that other 80s teen movie spoof…Totally Awesome is not Not Another Teen Movie. True, both cover some of the same ground. Both poke fun at 80s teen movies, but Totally Awesome sticks to the 80s, while Not Another Teen Movie pokes fun at the 90s teen films as well. Totally Awesome is a kinder, gentler type of parody, more in the Mel Brooks mold. Not Another Teen Movie is definitely on the raunchy side – think Scary Movie or The Naked Gun. The biggest difference is Totally Awesome’s total lack of irony and self reference. Totally Awesome really does come across as an authentic 80s teen flick, while Not Another Teen Movie never lets the viewer forget that they are watching an adult parody of films made for teenagers.

I wouldn’t mind if VH1 made several more movies like this. How about an 80s sex romp modeled after Porky’s and Hardbodies? Or maybe one modeled on those bullshitty After School Specials. Even a spoof of the 90s teen revival might work, but what I’d really like to see is a weekly TV show spoofing 90s teen TV like Beverly Hills 90210, My So-Called Life and is it too soon to include Buffy?

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – still excellent after all these years.

After my thorough disgust with the sequel, I had to sit down and watch the original to verify whether I am just getting old and crusty or it really did suck. I was relieved when I still enjoyed Excellent Adventure – that means that Bogus Journey really was a giant piece of excrement.

Bill and Ted are still funny – dumb as shit, but still funny. Although I am more concerned about Rufus pimping out the Princess Babes to the dudes than I was when I was 13. Is it me, or is that kind of creepy and disturbing?

It’s kind of funny that it took me over 8 years to finally review Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, seeing as how’s it’s the basis for the longest running gag I’ve got. I went through a period of *really* hating Keanu Reeves…or not so much hating him, as having a very vocal disdain for his acting skills. After Johnny Mnemonic and Dracula, can you really blame me? I think it was my man Z who gave me the idea of one line reviews for Keanu Reeves movies. See Point Break. I kind of got over it by the time The Matrix came around – but he still has his complete “DUH” moments.

  

Say Anything…

How did I make it out of the 80s without seeing Say Anything…?

You’d think I grew up in a box or something. There are a lot of important movies I just haven’t seen. As you can probably tell, I’m making a valiant attempt to catch up. Say Anything… occupies a revered place in pop culture. The boom box scene has been spoofed innumerable times. Some friends of mine even used “In Your Eyes” as their wedding song. Kinda cheesy, but still kind of cute. I guess I can’t talk, since I used a popular song from a film made at about the same time for mine.

If Molly Ringwald is the queen of 80s rom com teen movies, John Cusack is definitely the king. I wonder why no one ever thought to put them together? Surprisingly, their careers have taken on totally different trajectories – Cusack is still making silly rom coms (Must Love Dogs – ew!) and Molly is…well…not doing shit.

I don’t know if this kept me from watching it or not…but the only actress that my mother ever said reminded her of me was Ione Skye. Although it’s possible that she had a little bit of Diane Court in mind, I’m thinking she was referring to her role as Clarissa in River’s Edge. (I’m fairly certain that none of my friends in high school killed anyone, then again – I’ve been wrong before.) As much as I would like to indulge in a bit of revisionist history and write a paragraph about how much I identify with Diane Court and how hard it is to balance a social life with education – it would be total BULLSHIT. The truth is – being smart in High School SUCKS. You either learn to hide it or flaunt it. And believe me – it’s far easier taking the low road and hiding it. And that’s how you end up like me and Clarissa – hanging out behind the administration building, learning to make a bong out of a coke can. Besides – Keanu Reeves or John Cusack – either way, Ione Skye wins. Does it really matter which path she takes?

This is the first time that I have ever NOT wanted to stab Lili Taylor in the face. I hated her as Lisa (in Six Feet Under for the uninitiated) and I hated her as Rory. I hated her in The Haunting too, even though I didn’t watch it. But I didn’t hate her as Corey. Even though those songs she wrote were kind of lame and pathetic – I like how she finally rejected Joe and kept on with the music. For the record, I do still think she is weird looking.

I’m disappointed that kickboxing didn’t turn out to be the “sport of the future.” However, I did DVR a 2005 movie called Vampires: The Turning, which is about Thai kickboxing vampire hunters. Kickboxing still has a chance then, huh?

*ding*

 

I Know What You Did Last Summer

So…the obvious question – Scream vs. I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Again, I’m coming to the party late. Having seen Scream shortly after it was released on video, I have an automatic bias towards Scream. Scream netted 2 sequels, while I Know What You Did Last Summer netted only one – and it starred Brandy. Huh?. Scream definitely has the better franchise.

As for the matching ‘Party of Five’ heroines, although Neve Campbell is a better actress – what has she been in lately? Isn’t she a ballerina now, or something? Wait – Neve wins hand down – solely because she’s not in the execrable ‘The Ghost Whisperer.’ Plus, Neve doesn’t put out until the end of the movie, while Jennifer Love Hewitt gives it up within the first ten minutes – SLUT! Both movies have lackluster boyfriend characters – in a no-holds-barred kickboxing match, who would win – Skeet Ulrich (the poor man’s Johnny Depp) or Freddie Prinze, Jr. (total pussy, but again, he’s got his own TV show right now)? I’m thinking they’d both lose. Same goes for a Matthew Lillard vs. Ryan Phillippe Bare-Knuckle-Boxing Deathmatch. Scream has one star that’s got a current TV show going – Rose McGowan – but since Charmed is shitty and canceled, it doesn’t really count. Sarah Michelle Gellar is a draw, since she defected to star in Scream 2. And Anne Heche? Ew. So it’s a 50/50 split for cast.

Scream is also far gorier than I Know What You Did, although I was impressed when the Darlene’s boyfriend got it in the face with a giant hook. But it’s still not as impressive as killing someone with a cat door. Scream also has a real twist ending, whereas I Know What You Did’s supposed twist isn’t a twist at all – it’s bleeding obvious from the get go!

I Know What You Did Last Summer gets bonus points for opening with Type O Negative’s cover of ‘Summer Breeze.’ All Scream brings to the table is a stale cover of ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper’ by Gus…a band I have never heard of. I Know What You Did also gets points for having Southern Culture on the Skids performing live at the Crab Festival. As a whole, I Know What You Did Last Summer has a better soundtrack than Scream, not counting ‘Red Right Hand’ by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

Ultimately, it comes down to one thing – WES FUCKING CRAVEN!. End of story – Scream wins.

  

Student Bodies

Before Scary Movie, there was Student Bodies.

I certainly don’t mean to imply that Student Bodies invented the horror spoof – or even perfected it…both honors that belong to Mel Brooks. But it definitely holds a special place in my heart – because it’s just SO FUCKING GOOFY. The rubber chicken? The horsehead bookends? The body count? Malvert?

The key to the movie is Malvert. Without Malvert, the movie is nothing. Or to be more precise, without Malvert’s bizarre double joints and red pee – the movie is nothing. That dude is barely human. Using an actor solely for his or her disgusting and abhorrent physical appearance is wrong – but effective. How else can you explain Pamela Anderson’s career longevity?

Another thing that stands out about Student Bodies is the ridiculous amount of product placement throughout the film. Dr. Pepper and Kentucky Fried Chicken figure largely in almost every scene. These days, product placement of that magnitude would cost millions – back in the 80s, it probably cost free soda and chicken for the duration of the shoot.

Around the same time that Student Bodies was released, a similarly themed spoof called Pandemonium was also released. Having remembered watching Pandemonium repeatedly as kid, but not remembering the name, I was under the impression that I had seen Student Bodies as a kid instead, until I saw a bit of Pandemonium on cable a few years ago. I then realized that I *did* see Student Bodies for the first time in college. The total lack of memory was NOT because I was stoned – I really had never seen the movie at all. I’m hoping to catch Pandemonium again in full, as to do a full comparison. The obvious difference is that Student Bodies has a cast of unknowns and Pandemonium was full of B-List Celebrities like as Tom Smothers and Eileen Brennan. I’m not quite sure how that translates to quality – in all likelihood, it doesn’t.

Napoleon Dynamite

It seems that the nonstop commercials for the DVD release have finally died down. I swear, it seemed like every channel played that commercial during every commercial break for the last month. Anyway, after several weeks of the commercial blitz, my husband asked me where they found a guy that stupid to follow around with a camera. I was like, um, that dude is an actor. He was like, oh…whatever.

So therein lies the question – is that dude really an actor? (Of course – no one can be that dorky and fucked up – seriously, can one die of severe dorkiness?) A better question – will Jon Heder be able to continue to be an actor after starring in Napoleon Dynamite. The answer there – probably not. He’ll definitely be able to continue to star in movies, but will he get to act? Not fucking likely. Just as Curtis Armstrong will forever be know as Booger, Jon Heder will forever be known as Napoleon Dynamite. I’m not trying to doom the guy, I’m just sayin’…besides, I don’t think I even want to see him as anything but Napoleon Dynamite. That would just ruin the whole movie.

At the risk of sounding like an old fogey, I simply think I am too old to “get” Napoleon Dynamite. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the film – it was funny and original and very fucked up. I laughed in all the right places and I empathized with Napoleon’s “individuality.” But I know in my heart of hearts that this film would have meant a lot more to me 10-12 years ago. I don’t know if sheer age is the reason, or maybe it’s the fact that I’m no longer a total pothead? Either way, I just can’t get on board the Napoleon Dynamite Lovetrain that’s circling the block right about now. I am lame.

That being said…there are still a few kinks I am trying to work out about the movie. At first glance, you’d just assume that the movie was set in the 80s. I mean really – Trapper Keepers? But then you notice little things – like Kip’s internet usage. I swear it looks like he’s have cybersex on a Commodore 64. And people have tiny cell phones, so it’s obviously modern times. So when is this happening? Then it comes up in conversation with a friend who happens to be one of Napoleon’s Apostles – I seriously think he’s seen the movie 20 times or so. Small Towns! Having grown up in a small shit town, as did he, it became so obvious. Small shitty towns are about 10-15 (or more) years behind the rest of the planet trendwise. Poor Napoleon is just stuck in a small shitty town – that’s why he carries a Trapper Keeper and has to dance to “Time After Time” at the school dance. I think…

Also – what the fuck is a “wild honeymoon stallion”?

By and large, Rex Kwan Do was the funniest part of the whole film. (I actually met a guy kind of like that – he’s a Jiu Jitsu instructor in Lubbock, who tries to act like he kicks a lot of ass, but I think he’s into Jiu Jitsu solely because he gets to roll around on the floor with men several times a week – and get paid for it!) Diedrich Bader is one of the few actors that I’m always happy to see pop up in a cameo. (See Office Space and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.) I think he should quit his day job on that stupid John Goodman show and fully devote his career to performing cameos in weird movies. He should also stop doing those JC Penney commercials. They really, really suck.

So yeah, a funny film, definitely worthy of 3 BOBs and a second viewing when it comes on cable. Not a small feat for a film with no bad language, no nudity and no adult situations.

 

Not Another Teen Movie

I was not drunk or high the night I went to Blockbuster and bought Dude, Where’s My Car?, Zoolander and Not Another Teen Movie on DVD. Really, truly, I wasn’t.

I was curious about this one when it came out in the theater, but I held myself back. I sometimes have burning desires to see films like this and others like it – Kung Pow, Sorority Boys, Scary Movie, etc. I always tell myself to behave and stay home – there is cable to had! But there it was, on sale, buy 2, get 1 free, winking at me. So I bought it.

I watched it that very night. I laughed my ass off. For one thing, it was blessedly R-rated. Words cannot desribe the vile acts that were perpetrated within the bound of celluloid used to create this film. Poop, incest, lesbians, poop, vibrators, pie-fucking – did I mention poop? Yet these subjects were not foreign to Teen Movies in any any way – they had all been broached (somewhat) seriously in the parodied flicks. Unlike the classics, such as Top Secret or Young Frankenstein, or the new breed, such as Scary Movie – Not Another Teen Movie was not making up the outrageous gags or situations – they were merely juxtaposing them against each other, switching around the characters in a history of movies that was already inevitably interchangable. Why not have the parody of Kathryn from Cruel Intentions instruct the ancient parody of Josie from Never Been Kissed in the art of french kissing? It was possibly the most stomach wrenching scene in the whole film – but worth it.

A small obstacle was the fact that I had managed to miss many of the recent Teen Movies that formed the basis of the film. The film seemed to center around She’s All That – which I have seen none of. Same goes for Can’t Hardly Wait and Bring It On. I have only seem small portions of Varsity Blues, Never Been Kissed and Rudy. Luckily the viewings of American Pie, JawBreaker, Cruel Intentions and 10 Things I Hate About You pulled me through, along with the heavy use of the classic Hughes flicks.

Another stroke of genius was the casting of largely unknown actors in the primary roles. The only one I had even heard of before was Jaime Pressly, the skank from the Poison Ivy sequel. And I later realized that Chyler Leigh starred in the short-lived stool sample That 80s Show. The one distraction with Scary Movie was the fact that every single actor was well known enough for either the real Teen Movies they had been in or for being a Wayans that the type of humor was a foregone conclusion. With Not Another Teen Movie, I was not always sure what to expect – poop, incest or both.

In the end, a smart purchase. The DVD has almost as many deleted scenes as are in the film itself. Also included is the obligatory Marilyn Manson video for the theme song, a cover of Tainted Love. Actually, the video is almost as funny as the film itself, with Manson as a “Ghetto Dracula” (his desription, not mine) busting into a High School Party and making everyone get naked. I actually bought the soundtrack several months ago, another guilty purchase, along with the soundtracks to Dick and Queen of the Damned.

“It’s appalling! I can’t believe no one’s ever taken a dump on your chest!” “Goodnight, Pumpkin Tits.” “Do you think I sleep with every guy who writes me a letter? No! I give them hand jobs.” “I knew it. That’s a line from “She’s All That”. I masturbate to that movie.” There, those little dialogue gems should be enough to get you interested….

 

The Rage: Carrie 2

LAME.

90 minutes of lame-ass shit was not worth the 10 minutes of cool shit in this film.

Harpoon through the crotch was cool. Fireplace poker through 2 heads, in one shot, was cool. The chick from American Beauty nose diving into a car was cool. Being shot with a flare gun was almost cool. Everything else in the film was not cool.

The plot was so contrived that it made WWF Smackdown look real. Rachel had none of the psychosis that the original Carrie had. She wasn’t plain or ugly. She had a good personality. She got made fun of anyway. (Unfortunately, that is the ONE thing about this film that is like real life – in High School, who gets made fun of is an arbitrary decision made by the popular kids.) Plus, if every girl who got fucked and dumped jumped off of a building, there would be a pile of dead girls in the parking lot of every high school on the planet!

Lame. Not even worth renting. Wait until it is on cable and just watch the last 10 minutes. Make sure and turn it off before you have to see the “One Year Later” section of the film. It is the lamest part of the entire film.

Cruel Intentions

How this film got a PG-13 is beyond me. [Oops, I checked and see it was Rated R – my Bad!]

Mindless trash entertainment…but entertainment nonetheless. I was made to watch this crap late at night with Debra and April, feasting on Tom Thumb sushi and cheap beer. I didn’t pay to rent it, so I didn’t feel so bad. I had a good time watching it though. There’s nothing like talking back to the screen when a situation is beyond belief. And most of the situations in this film were way beyond belief…

I have never seen Dangerous Liaisons or Valmont, much less read the book, so I cannot compare the films. I was content to compare Cruel Intentions to all the teen films from my era. It’s no more shocking than Fast Times at Ridgemont High or Porky’s – except both of those films are rated R. As much as people complain about the censors these days, they sure are getting lax. This film should have been rated R. I’m not puritanical by any means, but the sheer amount of drug use, verbiage, lesbian kissing, dry humping, not to mention the actual sex scenes warrant an R rating. I would have no problem letting a 13 year old watch it, but the problem is that anyone can get into a PG-13 film.

The characters were shit, the acting was shit, the story was shit. Most of the dialogue was rather witty though. Some characters were underused, like the gay drug dealer played by some guy from Dawson’s Creek. They could have done so much more with that character – I would have paid big bucks to see a scene with him and Ryan Phillipe! Speaking of Ryan Phillipe, he is the sole reason for this film. I will watch pretty much any film with someone who has also been in a Gregg Araki flick. He’s pretty hot, even though he’s short. He can eat my chocolate anytime…

The ending sucked! It was the total Jawbreaker ending – total humiliation in front of the whole school. I admit, that’s every teen’s nightmare, but shit, they’ve never spent a night in a
Turkish prison. I would have like to have seen Kathryn end up in a Turkish prison. And why the hell did the blond chick end up with the car at the end? Did he write a will the day before he died or did she just steal it?

So go ahead and watch this film if one of your friends rents it, but sure as hell don’t pay for it yourself!