Team America: World Police

America – FUCK YEAH!

Seriously, why haven’t we officially changed our national anthem to that song yet? I would much rather hear that song before every sports event than our current national anthem.

Those who know me, know I like puppets. Especially fucking puppets. My obsession started early with The Muppet Show. As an adult, I moved on to the raunchy stuff…Meet the Feebles and even a real puppet porno from the 70s – Let My Puppets Come. (I used to have a bad eBay habit – don’t judge.) From there I got hooked on the hard stuff…like Black Devil Doll. Even so, I had managed to not see the single most popular movie with fucking puppets…until now.

So I’m coming to the party 8 years late. The world is a different place than it was in 2004. Kim Jong Il is dead. Osama bin Laden is dead. Alec Baldwin is skinny. But some things haven’t changed. Terrorists are still blowing shit up ALL THE TIME. Also…Michael Moore is still fat and Matt Damon is still retarded. So although Team America: World Police will be viewed by future generations primarily as a time capsule response to the post-9/11 Jingoism that pervaded (and some would argue STILL pervades) America, it’s still fucking funny as shit and will be funny as shit 50 years from now. Puppets blowing each other and passing out in a river of vomit will ALWAYS be funny, even after no one understands why a Broadway Musical where everyone has AIDS is hilarious.

We made the mistake of being lazy and watching it over Amazon Prime, instead of the unrated DVD, so apparently, I didn’t get to see puppets shitting on each other during sex. I guess that means I get to watch it again!

 

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Shut your Fuckin’ Face, Uncle Fucka…You’re a cocksucking, asslicking Uncle Fucka…

This film contains the most un-anticipated male genitalia since Harvey Keitel in The Piano – that of Big Gay Al. And that’s pretty tame next to the rest of the film. Sadaam and Satan are lovers, Cartman’s mom is in a German Shiezer film and then there’s the giant clitoris…and did I forget to mention the biting social satire?

Matt and Trey are really trying to make a point with this one. The point is that just because it is animation, doesn’t mean it’s for kids. It’s obvious to most that South Park, the TV show and the Movie are not meant for children. The show is on at 9 or 10 at night and the film is rated R. So what if there are South Park dolls? There were also Freddy and Jason dolls and slasher films are definitely not meant for children. Parents should be in control of what their children watch, not the entertainment industry. America should take a hint from Japan. Japanimation (or ‘anime’ as any fan will angrily correct you) is also not meant for children. The Japanese realize that animation is a valid media for adult storytelling, just as live action is. Anime is some serious shit. There are serious films like Akira, there there is T & A crap, just like regular films. My point is that the Japanese know the difference between films for adults and children and it has nothing to do with the media that it is made in. Just because it is a cartoon, doesn’t mean it’s for kids.

Anyway, it was a kick ass movie and don’t forget to get the soundtrack, M’Kay?

 

Cannibal! The Musical

Cross Oklahoma! and Blazing Saddles and add in a little bit of Evil Dead II – and you’ve got Cannibal! The Musical..

This is the story of Alfred Packer, a miner leading a party from Utah to Colorado territory. They get lost and stuck in the mountains without food in the middle of winter…good thing one of the guys is a butcher. Made before South Park made Trey Parker and Matt Stone a household name, Cannibal! The Musical is a damn funny film. It is indeed a true musical, by which I mean that people randomly break into song about every five minutes. It is also a true musical because the songs are unbelievably cheesy, nay, almost embarrassing to listen to. Songs include ‘It’s a Spredoinkal Day,’ ‘When I was on Top of You,’ ‘Let’s Build a Snowman’ and ‘The Trapper Song.’

Besides Matt and Trey, this film stars Dian Bachar (Little Bitch from BASEketball, Choda Boy from Orgazmo) as a horny party member and that Japanese guy who played G-Fresh in Orgazmo as the Indian Chief.

BASEketball

1998 was all about schlong. First, there was Marky Mark’s plastic prosthetic penis in Boogie Nights. Then there was Kevin Bacon’s semi in the shower in Wild Things. I even dare to mention The Full Monty, even though there was really no monty. But above and beyond all these – the endowments of Trey Parker and Matt Stone in BASEketball….

A buddy movie…a sports movie…a comedy…a romance…a parody – will the genres never end? This was probably one of the most eagerly anticipated film this year for the 18-24 demographic. Amazingly, it delivered everything that was expected. Coming out almost a year after the first South Park, everyone wanted to know if they could keep it up (no pun intended) on the big screen. No doubt. It was damn funny. Nay, an understatement. Hi-fuckin-larious. They have even more presence on screen than behind the cardboard kids. Fair credit to the Zuckers, the writers and directors – but hey, BASEketball is clearly a star vehicle – not just anyone could have starred in it…except maybe Cheech and Chong. Matt and Trey’s make-up kiss and the Jerry Springer drinking game will be fondly remembered and become a symbol of the 90s – just like Molly Ringwald’s dance in The Breakfast Club or the danger of feeding a Mogwai after midnight.

Just like South Park, BASEketball is not for kids. It probably will be in 20 years though. Networks will be showing Faces of Death on Saturday morning instead of cartoons and Fritz the Cat instead of endless reruns of Saved by the Bell. Ahhhhh…the future sounds grand.

Orgazmo

Written by, directed by and starring South Park co-creater Trey Parker…Oh, what a heavy burden to bear. The pressure to supply big laughs must be an almost unbearable burden by now. But probably not….

Trey Parker is a Mormon missionary in LA. He gets talked into being a porn star – because he needs the money to pay for his wedding. He doesn’t have to sin though, to do this – they will just use a ‘stunt cock.’ STUNT COCK? His sidekick, Choader Boy, is played by Little Bitch from BASEketball. He has 2 PhDs from MIT, but has become a porn star because he is…well, he’s Little Bitch. Matt Stone, the other half of South Park, plays cameraman Dave, who’s not queer or nuthin’ – but he thinks Depeche Mode is really kewl…

Ron Jeremy (troll with a big dick) is in this film. I met Ron Jeremy once. Me and Erin went to New Fine Arts to meet him. (Christy Lakes was also there and she hit on us, too.) Anyway, we made the mistake of giving him our phone numbers. He left dirty messages on our answering machines. Mostly because we were too afraid to actually pick up the phone. He wanted us to come and party with him at Eden 2000 (if you know the Dallas area, you know that Eden 2000 was the lamest teenybopper club in the Metroplex.) We didn’t answer our phones for a week after that…

Anyway, back to Orgazmo. Very, very funny, though not quite as funny as BASEketball. Really it is not fair to compare Orgazmo to BASEketball, because BASEketball is a Zucker film and an entirely different type of film. Orgazmo got screwed by the MPAA. It got a rating of NC-17, but was barely and R-rated film. You only get to see breasts ONCE in the entire film. There are a helluva lot of dildos in the film, but that is about it. Boogie Nights has a 18 inch prosthetic penis for Markie Mark and gets an R rating. A couple dildos and Orgazmo gets NC-17…I don’t get it.