Team America: World Police

October 14, 2012

America – FUCK YEAH!

Seriously, why haven’t we officially changed our national anthem to that song yet? I would much rather hear that song before every sports event than our current national anthem.

Those who know me, know I like puppets. Especially fucking puppets. My obsession started early with The Muppet Show. As an adult, I moved on to the raunchy stuff…Meet the Feebles and even a real puppet porno from the 70s – Let My Puppets Come. (I used to have a bad eBay habit – don’t judge.) From there I got hooked on the hard stuff…like Black Devil Doll. Even so, I had managed to not see the single most popular movie with fucking puppets…until now.

So I’m coming to the party 8 years late. The world is a different place than it was in 2004. Kim Jong Il is dead. Osama bin Laden is dead. Alec Baldwin is skinny. But some things haven’t changed. Terrorists are still blowing shit up ALL THE TIME. Also…Michael Moore is still fat and Matt Damon is still retarded. So although Team America: World Police will be viewed by future generations primarily as a time capsule response to the post-9/11 Jingoism that pervaded (and some would argue STILL pervades) America, it’s still fucking funny as shit and will be funny as shit 50 years from now. Puppets blowing each other and passing out in a river of vomit will ALWAYS be funny, even after no one understands why a Broadway Musical where everyone has AIDS is hilarious.

We made the mistake of being lazy and watching it over Amazon Prime, instead of the unrated DVD, so apparently, I didn’t get to see puppets shitting on each other during sex. I guess that means I get to watch it again!


Year – 2004
Rating – R
Runtime – 98 minutes
Genre – Those South Park Guys
Director(s) – Trey Parker
Writer(s) – Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Pam Brady
Actor(s) – Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Kristen Miller, Masasa Moyo, Daran Norris
BOB Rating – Three BOBs
Favorite Quote – "We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!" - Gary Johnston (Trey Parker)