January 23, 2004

Billy Zane.

So slimy. So creepy. So sexy. Billy Zane. Ever since Twin Peaks…Billy Zane. And once he shaved his head…if I was that Titanic Bitch, I sure would have pushed Leo-nerdo’s skinny ass overboard and married Billy Zane. I’m just sayin’…

I remember making fun of this when it came out in the theater. The commercial was really lame, so I refused to go. I think my ex went without me or maybe he didn’t – who knows. Anyway, I rented it some time during the (single and partying) summer of 1996. Cox Video offered five videos, five days, five dollars – so I figured, why not? I fell in love with this movie immediately. How could I not? It has everything – blood, gore, titties, heavy metal, electro-shock to the nipples…and Billy Zane.

Billy Zane is the evil Collector – he’s after a magical key containing the blood of Christ that will plunge the planet into darkness. Brayker – the guy with the key? The Reaper from Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. Seriously. He’s known as a ‘Demon Knight’, which really doesn’t make any sense – shouldn’t he be called a ‘Demon Slayer’ or ‘Demon-Killing Knight’? Anyway, lots of dismemberments and vomiting.

Watch for Chasey Lane and Traci Bingham as two of Mr. Futterman’s Party Girls.

The soundtrack is also really good. Lots of heavy stuff, including my favorite Pantera song, Cemetery Gates. Just be careful listening to it in the car – it caused me to get fucking speeding ticket!


Year – 1995
Rating – R
Runtime – 92 minutes
Genre – Horror
Director(s) – Ernest R. Dickerson, Gilbert Adler
Writer(s) – Ethan Reiff, Cyrus Voris
Actor(s) – Billy Zane, Jada Pinkett Smith, William Sadler, Thomas Haden Church, Charles Fleischer
BOB Rating – Four BOBs
Favorite Quote – "You know this 'Hell on Earth' business? Big fucking deal - I've got hemorrhoids." - Roach (Thomas Haden Church)