Night of the Demons (1988)

 

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How have I never seen this before? My husband decided to torture us with this 80s classic.

Notable cast is…Kurt Kelly from Heathers and the one and only Linnea Quigley. What the fuck, lipstick titty?

Angela is the goth queen we all deserve. Yes, the film takes place on Halloween, but why do I feel like she dresses like that every day? Sal’s face during her bizarro dance scene was the exact look on every normie’s face when they wandered into The Church. [NOTE: The Church was goth club in Dallas, active during the 90s and early 00s. Author may have looked as nutty as Angela did while dancing there.]

There are some great lines (“Eat a bowl of fuck!”, “Do you guys have sour balls?”), as well as some truly ridiculous sight gags. The effects are about what you’d expect for the 80s…except for the demon at the end…that demon looked like a claymation crawfish! This is a horror CLASSIC, dammit! And there are two sequels out for us to enjoy!

I had no idea that they remade this in 2009 with Shannon Elizabeth. I bet it sucks.

Camp Hell

WARNING – teenagers dry humping in the forest can summon demons.

That’s right…those poor teenagers didn’t even get to have sex. They barely got to second base and things went to shit.

What the pastor (Bruce Davison sure is busy these days!) in the film calls “demonic oppression” seems to be the symptoms of being a teenager. As far as I can tell, ALL teenagers are suffering from “demonic oppression.” As a matter of fact, I’m a grown ass woman and I might be suffering from “demonic oppression.” I guess dry humping my husband in the woods wouldn’t work, since we’re married and all. Fuck…how can I go about stirring up some demons in the wooded area behind my house? Maybe if I play some devil music really, really loud…

If I was Jesse Eisenberg, I would be pissed off about being used to market this movie, too. He was in only in the film for a grand total of 2 minutes. Those 2 minutes did not make any sense, either.

Wanna hear the kicker? As the film ends, the audience is informed that this film was “Based on True Events.” After a gigglesnort, I did some googling and found that the director based it on the fucked up super-Catholic summer camp he was forced to attend as a child. I gigglesnort no more. I initially had no idea if the maker of the film was serious or not when he made this film, but after reading that, I can see that he was as serious as a fucking heart attack. I have no doubt that fucked up things happened at that summer camp. I only went to church camp once, but since I was raised Episcopal, it was pretty mild. The most torturous thing that I remember was being made to watch The Hiding Place without a potty break. Oh, and this kid named Bill trying to get us to smoke pine needles. I consider myself pretty lucky that lip-syncing to Tiffany was the most horrifying thing that I remember about church camp. Reading that interview makes me understand the film a bit more, but unfortunately, it doesn’t make the film any less boring either.

 

Amityville II: The Possession

One of the stupidest movies ever. The film makers tried to combine the best of movies like the first Amityville with movies like the The Exorcist. What they did was combine fail with fail. Do you remember in Greatest American Hero when Mr Hinkley got his remedial English class to stage Romeo and Juliet? Their acting is like the acting in this movie. Any scene with interaction or dialogue is like watching Mr. H’s English class rehearse their lines. The problem is, the acting is the best thing about this movie.

It all starts when a charming lower middle class Italian American family moves into a giant haunted house in a place called Amityville. Too bad for them, there’s a filthy room under the house full of flies, stinking mud and demons. The first lesson of the film: Demons create plumbing problems. But no one cares. Leaking pipes have created a mud-filled room under the house, but we’re not going to worry about it. We like rotting sewer right next to where we do our laundry. Whatever.

There were a lot of parental guidance warnings before this movie. They lead one to expect a lot. Rape, incest, things like that. Sitting there watching the opening credits I couldn’t help but wonder what I was in for. There were going to be some intense dramatic moments in this one, I thought to myself. Better steel myself for the worst. Well what a let down. Sure lots of things are alluded to, are innuendoed. Whatever. No one bought their ticket to this thing so they could read between the lines. Why the hell am I sitting here if not to watch some incestuous rape? Come-on.

When everyone is killed it’s not really very interesting. After that the movie becomes The Exorcist: Part Dumb. The final sequence pays off marginally with some gory special effects. Then the movie’s over. Too bad, you think to yourself. I would have liked to turn that off sooner. I wish I could go back in time and watch something else. I hate 1982. Dino De Laurentiis Company, go fuck yourself.

 

Jennifer’s Body

I couldn’t stop looking at Megan Fox’s freaky toe thumbs.

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Seriously, her thumbs look like TOES!

I had to entertain myself somehow…most of the movie was shit-fuck-boring. I couldn’t bring myself to care about any of the characters at all – whether they lived or died or got fucked. Speaking of fucking, there wasn’t much of it. Megan Fox was not really a Succubus, as she wasn’t even nice enough to fuck guys before she ate them. She only made out with them – she was a total demon cock tease. I was also disappointed by the much hyped “lesbian scene” with Amanda Seyfried – all they did was kiss, people! It wasn’t that big a deal!

At least I got some Amy Sedaris!

Diablo Cody, I see what you did there. Megan Fox as a man eating demon is a metaphor for the toxic environment that girls experience in High School. Lots of pretty high school girls are maneaters metaphorically, if not literally like Megan Fox’s character. Those bitches chew men up and spit them out, fucking over their friends in the process. Sorry Diablo, it’s been done better…Heathers is the gold standard, but even JawBreaker did it better. Diablo’s trademark teen slang was immediately apparent. Although I won’t be saying hot guys are ‘salty’ or getting ‘a wetty,’ I may start calling people ‘freaktarded.’

There were a few really good laughs in the film. The ‘867-5309’ scene was the best moment in the film. The scene with the Goth guy singing Screeching Weasel in his car on the way to meet Jennifer also struck me as really genuine. (Or maybe I just like Kyle Gallner?) All in all, I liked the music a lot – especially ‘Kiss with a Fist.’ I know I’m old and shit, but I can still like young people music, right? RIGHT? I’m not permanently relegated to listening to old people music, am I?

Speaking of old people music, I kept expecting the song ‘Jennifer’s Body’ to figure into the film somehow. When the credits rolled, I heard the riff of a familiar Hole song…but it was ‘Violet,’ not ‘Jennifer’s Body.’ I’m so confused…I guess they didn’t want to go with the obvious choice?

It wasn’t a horrible film or anything, it just wasn’t as good as it could have been…with more nudity, more sex and maybe less toe thumbs.

Demon Knight

Billy Zane.

So slimy. So creepy. So sexy. Billy Zane. Ever since Twin Peaks…Billy Zane. And once he shaved his head…if I was that Titanic Bitch, I sure would have pushed Leo-nerdo’s skinny ass overboard and married Billy Zane. I’m just sayin’…

I remember making fun of this when it came out in the theater. The commercial was really lame, so I refused to go. I think my ex went without me or maybe he didn’t – who knows. Anyway, I rented it some time during the (single and partying) summer of 1996. Cox Video offered five videos, five days, five dollars – so I figured, why not? I fell in love with this movie immediately. How could I not? It has everything – blood, gore, titties, heavy metal, electro-shock to the nipples…and Billy Zane.

Billy Zane is the evil Collector – he’s after a magical key containing the blood of Christ that will plunge the planet into darkness. Brayker – the guy with the key? The Reaper from Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. Seriously. He’s known as a ‘Demon Knight’, which really doesn’t make any sense – shouldn’t he be called a ‘Demon Slayer’ or ‘Demon-Killing Knight’? Anyway, lots of dismemberments and vomiting.

Watch for Chasey Lane and Traci Bingham as two of Mr. Futterman’s Party Girls.

The soundtrack is also really good. Lots of heavy stuff, including my favorite Pantera song, Cemetery Gates. Just be careful listening to it in the car – it caused me to get fucking speeding ticket!

 

The Evil Dead

The beginning of a legend…

I remember the first time I heard of The Evil Dead. I was probably in 13 or so and my younger sister had just come back from a slumber party. She began describing the movie they had watched at the slumber party and how scary it was. She described, in vivid detail, the scene in which a girl had been raped by a tree. (In my mind, this was only slightly more fascinating than being raped by a curling iron, as in Sleepaway Camp, which I had also only heard about, but not seen.) I kept asking her why, but she didn’t know. I asked her over and over, so many times that she got really pissed off at me. After that she refused to talk about it any more. Then I kept asking her what it was called and she didn’t know either. I was utterly pissed. My younger sister not only got to see a movie in which a girl was raped about a tree, but she was obviously withholding information from me, so that I would be unable to track this film down! The nerve! Okay, reflecting back, she probably wasn’t withholding this information on purpose, she just didn’t remember. In any case, I was bitter for quite a while.

Fast forward to college. It doesn’t take long for me to figure out that the much fabled Evil Dead series, loved by college students everywhere, is the source of of the tree rape I’d been wondering about all these years. Of course, I get the rat bastard to show it to me. Needless to say, I was hooked.

Evil Dead has something for everyone. For those who aren’t into tree rapes, there’s not so garden variety demon possession. There’s dismemberment. There’s melting claymation zombies. There’s also achilles heel stabbing, which has been a particular phobia of mine since Pet Sematary. Also worth mentioning – blood. Gallons and gallons of Karo Syrup Blood. And best of all…there’s Ash.

You’d never guess that Ash will be the hero during the first half of the film. What kind of guy gives a girl a magnifying glass necklace? If a guy gave me something like that, he’d end up with it shoved up his ass. He is such a damn pussy. Up until the very moment that everyone else is dead, you’d assume he’s the next to get zombified. Nope. All his friends are dead, so he has no choice but to become a bad ass. Okay, not as much as a bad ass as he is in the next installments, but hey – he makes it out alive, doesn’t he?

So Sam Raimi has a nice little cottage industry going. Even if he never makes another Spider-Man movie again, he’s set up for life on Evil Dead Marketing. There are three different Evil Dead DVDs right now! I have The Book of the Dead Version, a squishy latex monstrosity made up to look like the Necronomicon. It smells really bad – like burning condoms. There are a decent amount of special features. I just watched the movie with the Bruce Campbell commentary. He does a good job of talking throughout the whole thing and not leaving too many uncomfortable silences. I’d already heard about half the anecdotes he had to share about filming, but there were still enough new ones to keep me interested. The one drawback is that the Sam Raimi/Rob Tapert commentary is separate – so I’ll have to watch the whole thing again to see what they have to say about it. Also included is Bruce Campbell’s documentary, Fanalysis. He describes the convention circuits and his relationship with his fans. He manages not to look down on his fans (even the fucking freaky A-KON types), while at the same time, keeping a safe distance. There are also some cut scenes and outtakes, which are really hazy and weird. The best part is the still gallery, which has loads of pictures from the production. The pictures give you some idea of the hell that they must have gone through making this picture.

Watch The Evil Dead and you’ll never look at a tree in the same way again.

   

Evil Dead II

It’s not my fault no one wanted to watch Transylvania 6-500!

It took almost an hour to pick the Sunday movie today. After going through every single DVD we own, we decided on this one. Everyone had seen it except my sister-in-law, and – from the look on her face throughout the film, she probably should have kept it that way.

I guess I just came from a different place. When I was in college, everyone loved the Evil Dead movies. At least I thought they did. Maybe my ex was just projecting his ‘lust’ for Ash upon everyone else. In any case, Deadites were definitely ‘IN’ in the 90s. Evil Dead II was even a No Elvis Film Series selection, courtesy of our film professor’s extensive laser disc collection. (I know, I know, heresy – we couldn’t get access to film projectors for a while and had to resort to laser discs and videos.)

Evil Dead II is the sequel/remake of The Evil Dead. The beginning vaguely recaps the first movie, well insofar that it gets Ash to the cabin with a dead girlfriend, though strangely without the friends in the first film. After she’s been chopped up with a chainsaw, the film moves into definite sequel territory, with even more carnage than the first one. The main difference between this film and the first is that the laughs are intentional. There’s no tree rape in this one though. Bummer.

So Bruce Campbell hates the legacy of Ash now. Insert world’s tiniest violin here. There’s something to be said about the cult status he has achieved. There is no shame in being a strictly B-Movie Actor. So he probably won’t be getting an Oscar anytime soon. Cuba Gooding Jr. has an Oscar and he does shit like Snow Dogs. Even Bruce has never gone THAT low.

I got a good drinking game for you – one even more toxic than SMURFS! Watch Evil Dead II and drink everytime Ash gets whacked in the head. You’ll be in the Emergency Room before the credits roll!

Little Nicky

Adam Sandler, why hast thou forsaken us?

Everybody told me this film sucked. Yeah, it pretty much sucked. It sucked a lot. But if it sucked so much, why did I keep laughing? I do not know.

Adam Sandler was the least funny thing about the film. ‘Little Nicky’ is just not a good character. ‘The Waterboy’ – now that’s a good character. I just couldn’t get into it at all.

The co-stars and cameos – now those were good. Harvey Keitel made a decent devil, although the tights were a little much. The two stoners were a riot, but not nearly as funny as the “gay” roommate. Quentin Tarantino had the creepiest cameo. He reminded me of the preacher from Poltergeist II. But the best cameo by far was reserved for Clint Howard, who I greatly prefer to his brother, Ron. Nipples, was, um creepy.

Mr. Beefy saved the movie. One whole BOB is due to the magic of Mr. Beefy. I swear that Mr. Beefy is the same dog from Van Wilder, sans prosthetic balls, of course.

The Ozzy ending was great. I suspect it was even funnier when the movie first opened in 2000, which was long before the absolute over-exposure that Ozzy is enjoying now. Ozzy’s cameo in Goldmember was just lame and contrived, whereas his cameo here actually added to the film as a whole.

I was actually touched by the epilogue inclduing Chris Farley. His pals must have really thought a lot of him to set him up with Reese Witherspoon!

When is Adam Sandler going to be funny again? I am holding our hope for Punch Drunk Love, which opened today. Critics are singing his praises for the first time in his career, so my expectations are pretty high. If only I wasn’t so lame – sitting home on a Friday night watching Little Nicky – I should have been at the movie theater watching Punch Drunk Love! Wait, that’s right, it didn’t open in Dallas this weekend. I guess I will have to wait until next weekend when it opens nationwide.

 

Dogma

Do you wanna know the best part of the film? The best part was found at the very end of the credits…”Jay and Silent Bob will return in Clerks 2: Hardly Clerkin’.” Now that is something to get excited about!

Dogma was exactly what I expected. Not better, not worse but exactly, on the nose what I was expecting. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I guess I am so used to the “askew-niverse,” that it would take an awful lot to throw me off. As usual, Jay and Silent Bob stole the show. Filthy mouthed, sex obsessed potheads – that’s my bag, baby! And believe it or not, I was not TOO annoyed by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. As much as I loathe Matt Damon, he worked as Loki. I can’t even remember why it is I don’t like him, it may be because he is short. I’ve always like Ben Affleck, but whenever he is around Matt Damon, I get this mental image of them fucking and it just messes me up. Turns me on a little bit, but mostly just pisses me off.

The one part that really disturbed me was on the bus, when Loki shot the adultering couple. That really shook me up for some reason. It’s not that I believe that God is going to smite me for going to the prom with a married guy or any of the other fucked up relationship things I have done – that’s just silly. I think it has more to do with the possibility of people knowing what’s in your heart just by looking at you without you even saying a word. Kind of like how, in Twin Peaks, Agent Cooper knew immediately about Sherriff Truman and Josie, then again about Ed and Norma…the idea that someone could detect intimacy between two people that are having an illicit relationship is terrifying – but thankfully, that only happens in movies. Real people are dumb.

Linda Fiorentino was pretty good, I haven’t really seen any of her other films though. Of course, Chris Rock was funny as hell. I am not sure I wanted to see him naked though. Alan Rickman was cool – he reminded me of a character in the book Good Omens (have you read it? no? you should!). Did anyone else notice how the angels all had hoods? Loki and Bartleby did and so did Alan Rickman. Weird. I was so happy with this film, that by the end of it, I didn’t even mind Alanis Morissette. Of course, it helped that she never opened her mouth.

So…I don’t know what all the fuss was about – this was not an anti-faith film – it was an anti-blind faith film. I think the Catholic League of Decency should go attack something else – like POKEMON! Now there is evil straight from HELL! So instead of bringing your brats to see the next big satanic Japanese marketing blitz, bring ’em to Dogma instead – your bank account will thank you!