Do You Wanna Know a Secret?

January 23, 2006

Do you wanna know a secret? This movie makes no fucking sense – that’s the secret.

I was hoping for a cheesy slasher movie with a decent amount of blood and gore. At first, I thought it was trying to be a lame rip-off of Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer. It might have been intended that way, but since I could not tell what was going on, I can’t be sure. I was disappointed to find that although the college students were being picked off one by one, almost all the killing was done offscreen. The amount of blood seen was practically G-rated. The goriest scene by far was when the black guy stepped on a piece of glass and it showed him pulling a 3 inch piece of glass out of the arch of his foot. It was realistic enough to make my lady parts pucker and my stomach flop. Why do they spend their special effects dollars on a common household accident instead of on the actual scenes of violence?

Whoa. When did Joey “Whoa” Lawrence become “Joseph” Lawrence? It must have happened about the time he discovered steroids – homeboy is HUGE in this movie. In most cases, there’s no good reason for a guy to wear a tank top in public…but I don’t think “Joseph’s” arms will fit in a regular shirt anymore. I was also pissed off that “Joseph” Lawrence did not say “Whoa” even one time in the whole movie. Not even when he was kickboxing that dude at the rave. I know that sentence seems to make no sense, but it’s true – he was supposedly an ass-kicking kickboxer. He kicked about as high
as someone who has just had a hip replacement surgery, yet his opponent was still knocked across the room.

Chad Allen was the other former child star in the movie. What was he in again? Something I didn’t watch…some show with Shannen Doherty? Our House? IMDB says he was in Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman – I didn’t watch that shit either. Everyone else in the movie was an unknown except the FBI Agent who saves the day – Jeff Conaway, who just got kicked off of Celebrity Fat Club 3 and sent to rehab. Sad that THIS is an example of his better years.

Do you wanna know another secret? “Joseph” Lawrence gets decapitated. As awesome as that was, this movie still sucked and I cannot recommend that anyone watch it…ever.